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female
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anonymous
writes: Im hoping some of you wonderful people can give me some input on this one. As you will know from my previous post my husband made it very clear that he found porn stars more attractive than me. Since this problem came out in the open he has apologized for his cruel comments adn now says that although he judged my body negatively cause of stretch marks and breast not being ‘perky enough he ‘sees me differently now as he realises how much he loves me. Im having a bit of trouble taking this on board. So here is my question;My h was able to name the specific physical attrbutes of the porn women that he found more appealing easily. Is it wrong of me to ask him what physical aspects of me he finds more appealing??? Or am I asking for trouble. I feel if he could just give me some idea of anything he finds special or more beautiful in me then I might begin to feel even remotely attractive to him.I asked him what he liked about my body 6mths ago and he said ‘hands and feet‘ - how depressing!!!!I need him to be specific and if there is still nothing about me physically that he feel is better (in his eyes) than the porn women is it silly for me to worry. I need to feel physically attractive to my h but he doesnt seem to think this is important so long as he loves me???I know it might seem silly but it hurts that he was able to name whats better about them but only able to say my hands and feetIdeas and thougts on this would be really appreciated
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female
reader, rawkstar_247  +, writes (1 December 2007):
 Hello,My husband and I just got married almost 2 months ago. I'm going through the exact same thing. I feel as though our marriage is falling apart already. I feel completely inadequate and alone. Lately I've been spending more time on my appearance. I've been making an effort around his friends (i.e. last night I bought beer for him and I and two friends). I've gone out and bought new clothes. I bought a sexy nighty and when I came in wearing it, he just said, "oh, that looks nice." Whereas months ago he would have stood up and been touching me and kissing me and telling me how sexy I look. I suppose I can't give you any advice seeing as I'm going through the same thing and have absolutely no clue what to do to fix this. I just think it helps to know that through all your terrible feelings, you aren't alone by any means. It's not you. It's not me. It's men and their inability to let their hearts rule their genitals. It's just a hard thing to remember when he is making you feel so worthless. Anyways, hang in there. I wish you all the best. Never doubt yourself. I read somewhere that the biggest mistake wives make is that they find their identity in their husbands. Perhaps something for both of us to work on...although it is easier said than done. Best of luck to you. Sorry for the lack of actual advice. :S
A
male
reader, malaysianfeet +, writes (24 January 2006):
Its a unique realization when a female realizes that hands and feet are overlooked in entirety. A closer examination will reveal that though overlloked in many ways by many people, hands and feet play an immense but under rated role. Get him to come over to you on the day your feet are killing you. Get the feet properly cleansed with some warm water with a generous amount of Celtic sea salt and then have him pet them dry with a foot towel. Have him clasp your feet firmly and yet gently. And let him release the pressure. Repeat this until you find relief enveloping your feet.A gentle 'cupping' of the heel with his thumb and fingers repeated a few times. Ask him to gently massage the soles with his thumb 'pressure'. Have him hold your toes between his thumb and second finger and middle finger and gently massage downwards towards the foot.. not away. Have him then kiss your foot and introduce his mouth over them ..toe by toe. It may seem ticklish at first. But take your time. Encourage him. Seems like a silly idea? Try and see if in practise if its really silly after all.You'll be surprised. By the way the feet have in number more bones than the humber of bones in the rest of the anatomy. [email address blocked] if you have further questions. Thank You. Prem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2005): Some questions you should never ask. I'm shocked that you did, especially considering your other posts. You need to find a counselor. I would suggest a free confidential sexual assault counselor from a local rape crisis type of place. His remarks are sexually abusive, controlling put downs. And you have been so abused by this person you don't even realize how you put him in the situation to abuse you. Get help now, and think about leaving.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (18 December 2005):
 If you want him to understand just how important it is for you to feel special, attractive and wanted in his eyes then you could really bite the bullet on this one. He hasn't got the slightest clue how women really tick and this may seem a little harsh but this could teach him.
Explain to him that one of the main reasons why a woman has an affair is because another man makes her feel special, wanted and desired. This turns a woman on, increases her self esteem so making her feel alive and if she has previously been feeling down on herself, because she will be feeling so much better about herself, more of her inner beauty will shine through. You don't have to say this in a threatening manner; just in a way to inform him of how women do feel.
It isn't enough for him to say he loves you and that's that. I'm very glad that he has apologised for what he said previously but he needs to understand that it is important for you to feel physically attractive to him as well. I wonder how he would feel if you told him you no longer fancy him?
I think he is getting all this a bit mixed up. Just because you are married, it doesn't mean to say that you as his wife are out of bounds for sexual erotica. I believe he is just taking you for granted and forgetting that you are a sexual woman with normal desires and needs that are both emotional and physical.
Of course, you could try dressing up and reminding him of this. You could try explaining to him again what is important to you but I think you do need to get your confidence elsewhere and build it from within, independent of him.
Get out there, buy some new clothes, make up, new hairstyle but do this for you, not him. Do it because you want to feel good about yourself. I bet you will attract others and this is all to the good because your husband needs to remember how lucky he is to have you, not just because you love him, but also because you are a desirable and attractive woman too.
I really hope this helps. Keep us updated.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (18 December 2005):
 Hi dear, u should indeed put him in his place too. start commenting on guys u see on the tv set when u r all alone watching films .Also go out and have a makeover so that u can build on your own esteem. If u r slightly overweight join a gymn nearby.Do this entirely for yourself. Do alot of activities to occupy yourself, like go out with ur fenale friends for a girls night.
Also since he obviously doesnt want to compliment u and his comments hurts then stop asking him. Allow him to do that on his own. Dont show him that u are affected by him looking at porn stars.
This is just my advise though but if u do this, u will improve on your esteem and when he notices u r not bothering him anymore with compliments and his porn starts photos he just might begin to seek ur attention and interest.
Wish u the best.dont worry too much dear.
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A
male
reader, 4guys1girl +, writes (18 December 2005):
how about you try this....
put him in your shoes. start looking at the men of porn. and if he asks why you are, then you can say the same thing that he said, you find them more attractive than him. maybe then he will understand what a blow those comments can be to ones self-esteem. hope this helps
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