A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, first time poster. I keep having a problem here and I guess my main question is when do you tell a guy you are a virgin? I oviously shouldn't shake a boy's hand and say, "hi, I'm Carey and I'm a virgin." but a lot of boys, after I have been talking to them and after a few datestell me I should have told him I was a virgin when I first met them. I have been told I do not look like a virgin. What do virgins look like? (I am 6 feet 150, mostly legs unfortunately, I am barely a B cup and I have no hips to speak of and I think I have linebacker shoulders. My eyes are real wierd shade of gray and I have these dark circles around the iris. I have been told my eyes are silver. I hate being tall and and I hate I have real big lips but all the time I have a stranger stop me and tell me I'm beautiful or I have nice legs and pretty lips and I have had girls hate me because they thought I was too pretty. To where they hate me because they thought I was showing off whenn I wore real brite yellow boots with butterflies on them or lipstick with sparkles.I do not do that to show off! I like to wear shoes I like to wear boots I like pretty shoes I like pretty boots. Even my dad thinks I'm crazy because I have 45 pairs of shoes and just as many purses and hats or bags that match. I like bright colors I like butterflies I like flowers. I am NOT trying to be pretty. I am not trying to brag. I think I am very ugly I just like pretty things.) I gave you my description so you can see that I am not pretty and so people will stop telling me I look like a sexual creature.I have had boys tell me but I am just a church girl or something. and the thing is well I do believe in God and well I was raised Catholic my dad is a hardcore old school Catholic because he was converted from Baptist and God is really really important to me but I just like your Bible based Christian Church where you can listen to Christian rock and dance for Jesus. that is the only time I dance, read the Bible for inspiration and I do think I am a daughter of God. this makes me bad because people think I think I am better. I do not think I am better. I don't even have a specific Church I go to. I love God but that is not the only reason I am a virgin. I really think about my future husband and I want to be his only one and his first and I want him to be my only one of my first.I am very friendly and I am very polite but a lot of people think I am a snob. my dad was raised white trash and he was the only one in his family who went to church. he is really old. He was born in 1964. his own mom, Gramma, was raised catholic because her parents were Cork. she has schizophrenia and she is the one my earliest memoryis her with long white hair telling me to be kind to the little peopleand she really meant faries. but she showed me how to sew, and she had a really good herb garden and thank you to her I know what herbs to use for problems.but anyway boys get really mad when I talk to them and they think they're funny and they invite me back to their apartment for a movie I tell them I don't want to go past kissing until marriage. they tell me I should of told them I was a virginso I would not waste their time. I am considered a slut by hirls and to Christianby boys. I cant talk to my dad or my brothers because they would just want to know who he is so they can beat him upright now I almost have a degree in marketing and accounting and I like to date but I do not want sex. I want to wait until marriage. so when do I tell a boy I am a virgin and why do they stop dating me when I say so? why do they stop being my friend? why do girls hate me? why do they tell me I am too pretty when obviously I am NOT? please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2016): I guess I said my dad is old because he is old fashioned.He thinks very little of girls to go on dates especially if she asks the guy or tries to pay her own way. Gamma is catholic but she was divorced when my dad was born and my other relatives her parents, took my dad and his brother and sister away from her for divorcing her husband. her parents did not go to church at all then my dad was the only one who did as a little kid when he rode the church bus. He said there was a lot of chaos and his life and it was the only place he could go and feel wanted.My dad sent me to Christian school until I was in 7th grade where I got a full ride academic scholarship to an all girls Catholic school. I started going to the Catholic Church and converted so I could be going there on full scholarship. I moved in with gamma on the rules that I had to pay half my paycheck to her so she could afford living expenses and I was not allowed to drive. The girls of Catholic school said my dad was white trash because he would come to school drunk half the time and they would not let him in. he had my brothers on weekends and he would always take them to bars and he got in trouble and was even on the news because he got so drunk he forgot my brothers there and he kept getting in fights with people. he had a real good job as a boilermaker and even the Union fired him. I know I'm not really wrong for not wanting sex until marriage and the idea of oral makes me want to gag. I have got girls ask me why I go to parties or clubs or flirt with boys if I'm not interested and it just makes me look slutty to talk to a whole bunch of different guys in one night but it makes me look like a tease for not taking them home. they all say I'm an attention whore which is worse than being a s^^t. people at church are not much help because with some of the churches I have been too, the ladies think it's very wrong of me to talk to men and then men and women are not meant to be friends. They think I dress sexually aggressive. I did play volleyball in high school and basketball and they told me that that is not something a lady should do. the other churches, that are more liberal about women's rights think that I should not be dating if I do not want sex and that I am probably a lesbian or asexual. I know I'm not but the idea of anything past kissing makes me uncomfortable. I know that I am doing right by not having sex, but I doubt myself because I'm thinking maybe they're right that I'm trying to have it both ways. are they right?
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 There is no such thing as "look like a virgin". Whatever boy told you this clearly isn't very bright, or date material.
When to tell a boy? When you're in a relationship with him, going for minimum two weeks and exclusive and official, and before you're about to have sex with him. In other words: you tell him when you've gotten to that level in the relationship.
What's this nonsense about you telling them from the get go? The only, and I mean ONLY, ones who would need to know from the go are the ones who wanted to just have sex with you no strings attached. So if you were ever ditched because of them hearing about your virginity, then you know what they were after: nothing serious, just sex.
Everyone thinks it's every boys dream to "take" a virgin, but it's not. This is an old cliche. The only types of men who have any interest in virgins for the sake of taking their virginity are controlling and sexist, the type who gets jealous if you as much as look at another man, or smile without him knowing why. The rest of the ordinary players out there are TERRIFIED of taking a girls virginity, because then she becomes clingy and needy. It's thus not something players want when they are looking for their casual hook-up.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 If a guy tells you that you have wasted his time, then he was not the right guy for you. Maybe try meet guys at church, where you may meet someone with the same beliefs?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 February 2016):
 I'd say you talk about it when it comes up naturally in a conversation WITH someone you have dated a while. No need to tell them on the first date. It's none of his business. And let's say you don't want a second date, so it's not IMPORTANT info to share.
ALL "virginity" means is that you don't have any experience in penetrative sex. And so what? Everyone has been there. It's not something exceptional.
If you WANT to wait with sex till marriage, then be UPFRONT about that, not your "sexual experience status". Because I think if it MEANS a lot to you to wait till marriage, you should date guys who FEEL the same way. Who also WANTS to wait till marriage.
The guys who stops dating you after they tell you, knows that you and they are NOT a good fit, because they are looking for a girl to have sex with, not a future wife.
And you looks? Learn to love you as you are. I bet you are gorgeous inside and out. Accept that you may not be a "conventional" beauty - but beauty is more than some standard of curves and boobies.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 First of all, when you are dating you don't ever tell people they are a waste of time. It's impolite and not good dating etiquette. Dating is a time to find out whether you are a match. Everyone involved would spend time and there is risk involved. So don't worry about "withholding information" because you are not. Just from talking about general things they should be able to tell you are traditional. You can also say you don't go to guys' private places and you are looking for the one and only, for life.
When people say you are beautiful, you've got to believe it. Girls hate you because they are jealous of you. Beauty is not restricted to the curvy, to perfectly symmetrical facial features. You have a build of a volleyball player and that's what's unique about you and makes you beautiful. They assume that because you are beautiful you must be getting lots of attention from guys. They think the typical virgin look belongs to a girl that's unassuming, shy, mousey looking and does not dress to impress. That you are just being picky when you won't get close to a guy so easily. Guys stop dating you when you say you are a virgin because they are not at an age when they think about marriage and settling down. They are not the guys for you because all they want is sex. If they stop being your friend, they are only friends to get access to your pants. So basically they are not real friends.
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