A
female
age
51-59,
*hippy2
writes:Help! I take psych medications for depression and anxiety so I dont always know if I am overreacting to something or getting being too nice and always question myself. So I am please asking for adviceI am so angry and hurt! My bf of almost three years has been acting mean the last couple of weeks - He has a good job and I am not working at present - I am thinking it is money issues because He asked ME for money because he doesnt want to pay the interest on his credit card which he has put too much on (None of his purchases were for me!) Anyway, he has been trying some illicit drugs and I think it is making him aggravated - He says he just wanted to try it but I overheard him telling someone he wanted to get more - Grrr - and when the last phone bill came I saw that there were numerous texts to his ex-fiance - They have had no other contact that I know of - He and I seemed to be so happy until recently - Well I did some digging into the past phone bills (I pay for the cell phone plan and he gives me NO money toward it) I have already asked him not to let his girls use his phone - they are 10 and 12 but he lets them and they download things and make more for me to pay - he still hasnt given me anything toward it. I finally got the nerve to ask him about the ex-texts and he said - Oh I like to stay in touch with all my ex's she was good to the girls and we just couldnt agree on which house to live in - I said what? He and her split after she found out she was pregnant and he found out maybe it wasnt his and then she had an abortion! How come he forgot that?Anyway he says his girls miss her - never heard that in three years till now BUT what really has me upset is that many of those text were sent at a time when the girls were not home - So what do I do? I couldnt bring it up when I first saw it I was waiting to see if there were more on this months bill - there werent BUT Sunday night he sent a text to make sure my daughter saw it - He text and ask me to Marry him! He kept asking if she had seen it(she was upset cause she knows I am not emotionally stable and she says he treats me bad) - she finally showed me and I texted him back all excited and asked if he was serious! He said NOI am so hurt and sick - I told him so - he thinks it is funny - Then yesterday he kept me with him all day and I made dinner and he didnt make time to eat! One daughter acted like a pig at dinner and the other one said what I made was gross and she wanted daddy to pick her up from practice so they could go out to eat!I was to get the girls off to school this morning but told him that he would have to find someone else and that I would have no contact with them till they apologized - They havent - He got his mom to help - I had to stop in after and saw he had taken my nighties out of the drawer and put them in a bag in the closet - I dont get it - He says he loves me but if it is not all about him he gets weird - I am exhausted nothing is ever good enough - I have just helped him redesign and decorate the entire house and yard - all with NO pay - because I love himMy daughter wants to know when he is coming to our house to help - I asked him and he says he doesnt know how to do that stuff - I have to beg him to cut my grass with MY lawnmower yet he uses my lawnmower to cut others grass for extra money - So, What to do? I know I am rambling - We have such a giggly time together - he said we could never get together unless my daughter is nice to him? Huh? He and I dont seem to agree on the money he spends on his girls - that is why he is paying interest on the credit card - he took them to Jamaica with us again and has to buy buy crap for them at fancy and expensive restaurants and clothing stores What should I do? I have tried talking to him - Oh and he looks at porn and chat sites too - WHICH he knows I am not happy with either.Please Help me my I am feeling so sick and have been suicidal for 4 years now am I am just feeling so hopeless - Why cant he be good to me? My daughter says I need to be good to myself - I want to give him another chance but he already is comparing me to his ex-wife and the ex-fiance who he said was a 'whore' three weeks ago for some reason is interesting again! It is like he doesnt want to grow up - He is 41 - Is it midlife crisis? Or am I STUPID?I want to tell him that I am taking back the phone and lawnmower and breaking up unless he gets it together and doesnt contact her, gets her nudie pics out of the house, and NO drugs. Any Ideas?
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abortion, drugs, ex-wife, his ex, money, my ex, porn, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): Good for you!! These are steps... it takes a while for the heart to let go. I'm so proud of you for realizing this isn't your fault and you can't love him into treating you better.
Just beware, he may try to make you feel plain awful when you decide to leave. He has a good hold of your mind thus far and he has his hooks in you more than you know. Remember this when you doubt yourself.
"Giggly times are important" Of course there were good times and you miss your connection with him during these times. I know I did for a long time until it sunk in exactly how much damage my ex-fiance did to my mind and spirit, and no amount of good times could make up for it.
I left him but I would reconnect every few weeks/months because he wanted to "talk". I would listen and hope he had woken up and changed his approach to things. I reconsidered going back to him many many times. Once my heart started to heal, however, there was no going back! The times we met up became more few and far between. I also sought professional help and I strongly recommend doing so as well. It helped me more than I can express.
I don't know much about your situation, but I'd start making a plan for yourself instead of hoping to leave and start a new life overnight. Basically, I supposed you will want to pave the way to be able to stand and support yourself on your own. Please, please, please don't be afraid to reach out to friends, family or anyone during this time. I always felt so guilty for telling others my problems. I slowly learned to reach out!
For you to just realize the extent of his behavior and how unfair it to you is a major step. I know how much it hurts! I've been there! Just remember, the way you are treated isn't your fault; it's his problem. There a light at the end of the tunnel!
Look forward to hearing how it goes!
A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (1 May 2008):
Chippy2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! Thank you all so much for your very wise and thought out responses - It is such a comfort to have found this site and all of you great and giving people!
- I have spent much of the day thinking about the wasted time and feeling bad about it - but you know what? Not going over to his house this afternoon felt good - I had had a Dr appt today and she said go and do something for yourself - I went to a place called the Good Samaritan resale shop that I hadnt been to in awhile - everyone was so friendly to me even at wal-mart. Yay!
My daughter and I spent some quality Geometry time together tonite LOL
The only downside to the day is that I did pack him a nifty lunch and he didnt even give me a kiss or a hug or really a hello when I stopped it by at 10pm b4 he left for work -
I warned him he was going to lose a really good woman a few days ago - He said the same when I got my divorce - He said Wow - your ex lost a really good woman. His friend text him today and said its been three years man - marry this good woman they are hard to come by.
Laughs on him - I am in my head moving on - Thanks to all of you and friends here that have been telling me to get out since I found out he was on dating sites last year this time - But the text to x was a deal-breaker. AND the fact that he is thinking of taking the girls to visit her.
I just dont want to even b in his house anymore - Sad but like my mom said - He is using me so get out since it is time to plant the garden and this year build a deck.
Thank you all again - it is a sad time but they say there will b a new beginning and there is a good man out there waiting for me. I am gonna miss this one - Giggly times are important to me -
Give me some advice on how to stay on the right track now - I guess just plain ignore him? Oh should I give him one more chance? Like this weekend? Please advise
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): I am so sorry you are in the spot you're in.
This is when you give up.
I was in your shoes 3 years ago. I thought if I poured enough love into the relationship, he would see how much I loved him and would treat me right.
You get what you give right? WRONG!
With most people you do get what you give, but with some people, they just have no problem seeing how far they can take you. The more I gave the more he took. He drove me crazy. Slowly, he killed me inside.... made me feel like I was the irrational one... like there was something wrong with me.
Love, you may suffer from depression and anxiety but you are not stupid!
3 years later, I now realize that if I had stayed in that relationship, I would have gone over the edge! I too felt suicidal after a certain point.
He is not helping you. He has got his hooks in you! You're NOT a doormat, but you can't trust this man will respect you after what he has done thus far. (You deserve respect). He is testing your self-worth. He's getting inside your head and seeing how far he can push things.
It's true that you need to take a stand not only for your sake, but your daughter's sake. Please get out!
I heard people tell me 100 times that I should have left my fiance during the time we were together. I always spent my energy defending him...One day, I listened and I left him. Looking back, it was best choice I have ever made for myself and my sanity. I also suffer from depression/anxiety.
Please let us know how it goes! Much love! Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (30 April 2008):
 I agree with the other two. I think you feel inadequate in this relationship because you feel inferior to this guy because of your depression. I think that is a normal reaction but I disagree with you.
I think you are better than this guy. I think he is being unreasonable and quite a bit of a baby for a 41 year old. It isn't a midlife crisis, it's his personality. I wonder if at some level he's picked up on your feelings of inadequacy and has leveraged this to his advantage. He's using your lawnmower to make money, he's got your cell phone and he is controlling your self esteem by bringing up these ex's. What he did to you with the marriage proposal was sadistic and mean.
I know this is going to be hard for you to do but I truly think you have enough issues on your plate without him. Your daugher has even figured out you deserve better and what an opportunity to show her how to stick up for herself. Oldersister is so right. How you chose to manage your relationships is how she learns and please know that if you don't teach her to stand up for herself by you doing it, then it will be one of these "do as I say, not as I do."
I think this man has bigger issues than you and I think you are being co-dependent with him and allowing this abusive behavior to continue. He is a looser. I hope he doesn't ask you to marry him because I fear you will do it and I know this is not the right time and perhaps not the right person for you. If he asks you now it will only be a blocking play to get "the good ride" to continue.
You need to separate yourself from him so you can think clearly about what is going on. You do not need this man in your life. He is using you.
Please listen to what we have to say. We can see this situation for what it is and I believe you can too. You are NOT compromised because you are depressed. You are human.
Take Care.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (30 April 2008):
You said:"I want to tell him that I am taking back the phone and lawnmower and breaking up unless he gets it together and doesnt contact her, gets her nudie pics out of the house, and NO drugs."
Then do it. This is the best thing to do anyway. What are you getting out of this relationship except a giggly time? Nothing. Your daughter should be your first priority yet you spend your time chasing after him and redecorating his house for him.
Move out and let him do some of the work for a change. If he doesn't then move on. Why do you need him anyway?
Stop being his doormat.
Good Luck!! xx
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