A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I've been with my boyfriend for nine years now, since I was a teenager. Sure, we've had our rocky patches, but we've worked things out each time and we've seen each other through everything. We spend quality, one on one time together every day and we're each others' best friends. Only problem is, after all these years, we still don't live together. I'm in my late twenties now and my family regularly ask me, why have I waited all this time in limbo?I'm one of those girls that's made to be a mum, have the little family and all that. It's always been where I've hoped we'd head in future, but we've yet to even move IN together. Sometimes I think I'm just a little girl dreaming of a fairytale that'll never happen.Everything else in the relationship is fabulous. We're two equal individuals who discuss our problems regularly and argue our differences out civally etc. But we've never progressed to the next level.Other girls I know are married now, with a baby on the way, with the little house to boot. But I know that many of these girls have entered into their relationships with pre-set agendas and they've been pretty forceful with their guy to make sure their needs are met. My dream is to have that proposal from my boyfriend, sure, but I want this to come from him whole-heartedly. I don't want to ever feel like I unduely pressure him into anything. I feel like that would be cheating him AND myself. I want him to do this when HE'S ready, but problem is, I don't know if he ever will be.He's the sort of guy that says he wants to get married one day and wants the house and the kids and all that, but we don't actually have a discussion about WHEN or PLANS to put in place.I'm just wondering though, when do you end an otherwise wonderful relationship. We're more functional than any of my married friends! That's the reason I've stayed with him. In every other aspect, I'm happy. But it's been his indecision and lack of commitment to me that makes me doubt our future.I'm really scared. The thought of walking away from the man I love breaks my heart. But I know this is a deal breaker. At this stage, he says he wants to build a house with me provided his job is made permanent, so I continue to wait...Please help. Has anyone else ever been in this situation and did it work out for you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): You say you have a wonderful relationship, so I assume you have no problem communicating. So why don't you just have an honest conversation with him about your future? After 9 years, you have every right to ask him the "where is this relationship going" question.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Is he procrastinator central?
There is a reason why you cannot just sit him down and explain what you have said on Marriage on DC ?.
If that fails then you have to try some 'dirty tricks
And is he very financially conservative?
And a long range planner?
Fantastic husband material - make sure it is you, if he finally chooses to ask, asap.
BUT
Is he OK about spending on things he wants but also Is he just a little tight with his spending his money on you? Could that be why he still avoiding marriage and children?
You do not have to directly propose to him yourself. But like any smart women you can drop subtle hints. Since your guy is too complacent. Encourage a little insecurity in him. You need to jolt him, so he sits up and takes more notice.
Be less 'just his friend' to 'just right sexy'
If all else fails then 'dirty tricks' are listed below.
1. Get a mini-makeover with new hair color and new hair style.
2. Start going to the gym and get more toned than you already are .
3.. Wear an inexpensive but flashy ring that looks like a diamond - and wear it, without comment, on your engagement
finger in front of your guy. If he asks, point out that you ''like the look of a ring on that finger''
4. look at the properties to rent in your area. Even take him on an inspection of the property. As you walk through blurt out, 'i can just imagine us living here.'
5.start tidying up and clearing things out so that the spaces where you live are decluttered. The Chinese Feng Shui system believes this improves the energy around you.
6. Time is marching on. Book a cruise holiday for yourself, alone, and say it is rejuvenation time for you. Turn your phone off all the time you are away. Let him miss you.
7. Get new colorful bras and panties
8. Are you just too amenable? And you know him so perfectly that you can anticipate what he wants? And you are there for him when he expects to see you?
Don't be so amenable. Book yourself into a spa Friday afternoon to Monday morning. Let him know on a Thursday night.
9.try to get invited to as many wedding as you can, bring him along. Make comment on how good the bride looks.
10. if there is a Bridal trade show in town bring him too. Enjoy it, don't let your sadness show. He'd have to have a heart of stone not to realise what you want.
11. Leave Bride magazines where he willl
See them. Or on the back seat of his car.
12. Start drawing in designs for wedding dresses in a notebook and accidently leave the design book at his place
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A
male
reader, adush  +, writes (15 March 2011):
Dear Anonymous, I've not reached this situation yet, but yes I too am playing a waiting game. If we view things from his point of view, it's very necessary for him to be financially stable to be able to support both of you. It's a thing ingrained into us men that we have to be able to care for our spouses alone and without any financial help from outside. What you'll have is precious. You'll love each other and understand what's being said without even saying a word. Patience is needed even more now. Don't give up. Talk to him if u must and understand his fears too.. To make plans requires a strong base. In an ideal world we would all live on love and fresh air.. But that's hardly the case isn't it. Money does matter. Love does matter too. you'll have love.. wait a little bit more for the money? Patience dear.. Good things come to all those who wait. :) best of luck!!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 hi
presumably since you get on so well you can at least talk about this with him instead of just waiting for him to surprise you with a proposal? PLEASE don't break up with him coz your relationship sounds really as close to perfect as it gets!
he sounds as if he wants to be more stable financially with a proper home to move into and this is really commendable. do you feel there may be an element of him still feeling like the youngster you was when you met him and maybe doesn't feel mature enough in himself to be ready for marriage/house/babies (grown-up stuff!)
you need to talk to him. if he thinks you are happy to roll along with the things the way they are, he will be happy to do that too. i think men (generally) don't place the same importance on marriage and 'next levels'.
try not to measure your own relationship against those of your married friends. this isn't about them. talk to him. you would be a fool (i think) to leave him coz it sounds like you have got a good man there
xx
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Have you spoke to your boyfriend about how badly you want to move in together? You dont specify if you have explained to him how you feel. Yes he says he wants to build a home in the future, which is great but have you actually said to him you want to move in with him soon and start your life together.
I honestly think you would be silly to end a good relationship if its all to do with marriage and moving in together. I agree nine years is a long time, but he might not realise that you are feeling like this and might actually think that you are wanting things the way they are.
Talk to him and tell him you want to move in with him, if you both cannot afford to build a house at the moment, well then rent a flat or a small house until you both get on your feet. Talk to him about this and see how it goes. I think the marriage propsal wont come until you are both living together, as most couples these days dont get engaged until they are living together and they know that they get on ok living together and sharing the bills and a life together.
So yes my only advice here hunny is to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Relationships are based on honesty and he needs to know how you feel deep down. Goodluck.
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