A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I were due to get engaged. We’d talked through the important matters, one of which was that we would have only one child together as he already has two from a past relationship. (I don’t have any)Then he called last week and as we were finished chatting he said he had changed his mind about having another child, he didn’t want any more. His daughter had spent one day in hospital the previous week for a minor operation and he said he felt couldn’t deal with the stress of another child after this incident, and there were other reasons like finances etc and that he had given it a lot of thought prior to his daughter’s operation, it’s not as if he decided over night. It was suddenly blurted out at the end of the conversation. I didn’t have the opportunity to respond or share my feelings on the subject at that moment.This is a deal breaker for me. I cannot continue in the relationship no matter how much I love him and no matter how good a husband I think he’ll be. The problem is his daughter is still recovering from the operation, his mother was admitted to hospital 3 days ago for treatment of an illness and he has to go and have tests because of chest pain. He also has a job interview in the next two weeks. I have not been able to raise the matter again or discuss how it makes me feel, all we seem to talk about is him and his problems. He talks at length about all the difficulties he’s going through, I don’t even get a chance to mention any problems I have. If I try he just talks about himself again and often even interrupts or talks over me. He doesn’t ever seem to be in a listening frame of mind.My question is when do I tell him that I can’t stay with him? I haven’t said anything yet because he’s under so much stress. I can’t stay with him indefinitely either. I feel stuck in this situation. It would be cruel to cause him more stress and pain in my opinion, but if he’s not going to be too bothered about me leaving because his mind is on all these other things I don’t have to wait around, I can deal with my own hurt and disappointment and move on.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 July 2011):
 there is never a right time to wait to tell someone something this important... you must tell him as soon as possible.
I'm so sorry for you having to make this choice and take this action... it has to be hard.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 July 2011):
 Way too much stress for you, i agree. And he can't (will not?) support you either. He's very self centred and does not listen.
He certainly has his problems. But does he exacerbate the problems by his poor comunication skills and his negativity? Finding reason why he CANNOT versus looking for opportunities on how he CAN?
It was appallingly rude to just TELL you his decision on more children. That is a mutually discussed and mutually agreed decision. Not a decision he can make alone.
Yes he would be stressed with his child ill in hospital and his children will come first, even after you are married. But could he lessen the stress if he communicated better?
Perhaps let him down gently, in a staggered approach. This can be rationalised in the following way:
1. Suggest he put some extra time reading up for the job interview. And then preparing for that interview in two weeks. As that could improve his finances. And he sure needs that.
2. Step back from long conversations with him. On the basis that his first priority must be his child and his mother, in that order.
3. His chest pains are very likely stress. And you would not want to ever add to his stress. But he will obviously get very worked up before he sees the Doctor. Based on how you have described him the Doctor may find that he has a perfectly working heart. But is stressed. Encourage him to eat more heathily, get more exercise, and maybe join a gym or go swimming.
Encourage him to make his health a priority.
4. You have already made your mind on the baby issue. So you do not need to discuss it again.
5. During all the above action you are encouraging him to look after his future. Encouraging him to care for his family. Encouraging him to improve his job prospects. And you are not even going to discuss the baby issue, because you have already decided that it is a deal breaker.
6. So step back a little. He's telling you all about his problems. Not listening to you. Interrupting you. You are giving him the space and the encouragement and the time to deal with his issues. He can't fault you on that. Though knowing his negativity I think he will find something to complain about.
7. Over the next 21 days get busier. Go swimming. Choose to get out doing some volunteering for a group in your community.. Choose to visit some of your friends. Sort out your wardrobe and throw out things you have not worn for a long time. Find a nice bench in the park and read a novel.
Turn your mobile phone off, except when you trult need it.
Keep in minimal touch with him when you need to. Allow him to experience time without you as his main sounding board, when he wants to vent or complain.
8. Then when he's been through his health checks, by then his Mom should be out of hospital, his child recovered. His job interview will have taken place.
And hopefully he might realise that he can get by without. Which will also suit you fine.
9. Choose a neutral outside setting. Sit him down and tell him why it's not working for yoy. And don't allow his manipulating complaining words to weaken your resolve. You have been a caring great partner. But he does not deserve you. And your happiness is important too.
If he says he can't get by without you, then remind him that he has just managed to do without you over the last few weeks. And that he managed to alienate your affections by making decisions without involving you.
In any relationship start as you mean to 'go on'. If he already ignores your views etc then it will only get worse with time. He has done you a favor by revealing the side of him that is not considerate, nor kind.
10. If you live with him then move out and leave keys on the table.
If he just visits you then don't even bother to ask for the key. Just get the locks changed.
And if he lives in your home pack up his things. stack them under cover so ge
11. Start dating again a look for a fit guy who has his life in order and who is looking to settle down, a guy who's finances are in oder. A kind and considerate guy who is looking forward to becoming a father.
Things can only get better from now on.
Good luck,
Abella
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (12 July 2011):
I think you should just tell him now. There's never going to be a "good" time to break up with him. But since you've already decided that you can't stay in this relationship, every day that passes when you're still there, you're being disingenuous.
And if he's so self-centered anyway, when his current set of personal problems passes there will be new ones. He'll never be in a mood to listen so if you wait for a "right" time you may be waiting indefinitely.
another thing you could do is to basically start behaving as if you've already broken up, even if you haven't told him but because he never allows you to talk. Just stop calling him, stop returning his calls, and stop making plans to see him. Sooner or later he should notice this change in your behavior and ask you what's up, then you will finally have his attention rather than him talking over you and monopolizing the relationship yet again.
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