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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I don't know where to draw the line.Less than a year ago, when I started a relationship with my (ex)boyfriend I met while traveling, I told him from the get go that I didn't even want to have a relationship, that I am in a phase of life where I don't want attachments. Basically, I wanted to travel and not have an emotional weight pulling at me from any direction. He said 'yes, you seem like that is where you're at,' but he kissed me anyways and I was in the moment going against what I just said and kissed him back. A couple days later, he told me he thought we should just mess around with each other, no commitment, he realized he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I really liked him but didn't think I was the right girl for him, so I said alright, I don't care, whatever. I knew we were both going to be moving away in a month in opposite directions anyways, so I thought we'd give some affection to each other then go our separate ways. But a couple weeks into this, he started to refer to himself as my boyfriend. right before we parted, he told me he would 'wait for me.' a year if it took-- I could sleep with whoever I wanted he said (something I personally can't do if I’m already committed to someone), he wouldn't be sleeping with anyone though he said--and he'd wait for us to get back together. I really had doubts about this, but I said alright, because you never know how the future might go, and I did like him, but also felt a need to remain independent for the time being.A month later, he came out to visit me where I was temporarily living, and it was a disaster. We fought a lot. Broke up. Got back together. Broke up. When I drove with him back to his place a few states away, and we got to his house, I left the next morning telling him that I obviously shouldn't be there. We both hugged and cried in the driveway, and I headed a couple hours north. but I felt drawn back, in a few days--he asked if I wanted to return, so I returned to at least try living alone with him, perhaps checking out the tiny town he was living in as a place to move. But again, we had disaster, and bad fights, worse fights, and a few weeks into it, I left in chaos. I figured we'd never talk again after this. But he called a couple of weeks later, and with time, I convinced myself I should give it one more shot. So, I went to go visit him again and stay for a while. When I got there, I told him I was not going to move in permanently. I didn't want him to expect otherwise. I told him I’d be staying a couple of weeks at least, and then be on my way... he seemed kinda shocked I’d be leaving so soon, but hid his emotions by being very casual about it. things started going downhill again, and I realized it was time to go, that there definitely was not enough love or harmony here on either side as incentive to settle down, so I told him I’d be leaving in a couple of days for sure. Again, kinda shocked he was, but he played it down. but the day I was to leave, he asked me to stay a few days longer, I agreed, but then minutes later he exploded and told me I should leave as soon as possible, this second perhaps, and that a lesson he needed to learn in his life is that people can not be trusted.so I left, hurt that he basically kicked me out a day early, and again, I went back to my home, thinking this time we would never speak again to each other for sure. But again, after a few weeks, he called and apologized for kicking me out. We talked on the phone every day or so for a few months. He invited me to go on a short trip with him. I agreed reluctantly because I foresaw disaster, as obviously each time we saw each other, it only got worse...but I still went because I wanted to travel where he invited me. One night during this trip, he told me he didn't even like me anymore and I told him then that is why we are never speaking again after this trip... and this started off a 12 hour fight as we drove back to his house. once we got there, I was allowed to spend the night before I started my drive back home, but I was awoken and violently kicked out early the next morning, even though it was agreed the evening before that I could stay.So, what was getting to me--he was screaming at me for wanting to travel, for wanting to try out new places while I think I can. He told me I 'should completely submit.' I’ve been tied down for a long time, already. I am trying to do myself some justice now, but he kept equating my desire to try out new things with not having humility. I understand his line of thought, but I really felt I was just treating myself with some respect, doing quite a few things I had put off doing, and I was quite happy about my life when I met him because of the changes I was making. He wants to settle and live somewhere for 5 years at least, and have a simple job. I have already gone through that phase and want to move on to something new. but, he was so angry at me for wanting to be free and to not live within his vision of how one should live life, even though we agreed earlier on that I should travel for at least a year... I don't know if I am too open to the influence of others. My background is one of self-denial. I put myself through situations, long after I realize I want to be out, just to have better endurance. I had had enough though, and wanted to give myself a break and travel to places I’ve considered moving to, which is what I was doing when we met. So, when he started ripping into my plans, a part of my brain was open to his influence, and I questioned my desires to be free. I started to doubt myself. I went home to my parents, and I’ve just been sitting here, a little over a month now, feeling completely paralyzed and unable to even go to the store at times, let alone make real plans. I am being self-destructive and out of control too with drinking and smoking, both things I do not want to do because I know that I can not live a truly happy or honest life if I use them as a crutch, but right now, I just feel like I should be open to his suggestion, stop trying, be humble and take a job as a janitor or something, even though within the last year, I quit a job that I was bored with for far too long, and have moved from a city I did not want to live in anymore, that I had been living in for far too long. I really don't want to just stop traveling right now and do something I hate. I don't want to 'run away' forever either. I feel like I need this movement right now, though... but then I keep thinking, maybe he has a point? Or was he just mad that I left him where he lived alone, and it grew into this extreme anger with each time I came to visit, and then left?I can't draw lines for myself. When do I just dismiss what he said? I’m not trying to please him. I don't talk to him now. I just want to think there was a lesson for me to learn from this bad situation. Was it to be humble and give up on the plans I had before I met him? Or to learn not to doubt myself? Was it that lonely people try to manipulate others to keep them company no matter what happiness is lost in the process? I don't know.If this were a stranger's question, I’d know what advice to give, but since it is my own situation, I can not detach enough to tell the truth from delusion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): hey, this is the original poster.
great advice from the two of you so far. thank you.
old guy, i agree with your title more...the mods at dearcupid picked the title for me, though, but that is more the question i was trying to ask i think. thank you for your encouragement.
anonymous poster, yay! you see right through to my tendency to procrastinate. thanks and i've always been saying to myself that this has little if anything to really do with him. i am irrationally afraid of moving forward at this point. i even wanted to apologize to him for being in his life because of how spineless i've become and how lost i am right now... but even during our worst times i felt oddly, unjustifiably content, but i knew that is was unhealthy to keep coming around, though i kept doing it.
i think part of that is because i've been single for a long time, very alone, in an attempt to regain independence i've lost. with time i deeply realized that i can't count on love of other people to carry me. i've got to make good plans for myself, live with myself, i can't count on anything to happen that i hope for, but i have to try...but as i got in this relationship, i started to feel good again in a way that even self-fulfillment does not bring. i know it is sad to be happy in a dysfunctional relationship, but a part of me was happy, so i kept thinking, this is probably what i want the most--a relationship-- even though i know i can't depend on it for anything.
and it started this train of thought that i guess i still just want to be with someone, and that my traveling, though i do have interests and desires outside of love itself, is partly driven by a desire to find someone to build a meaningful life with, but i'm not admitting to myself that it may never happen, no matter what i do. so why keep running(traveling)?
it obviously isn't him, but he was someone who could reach me on a deep level, & i really liked him. but i guess it would be best to still go after what i want to do with my life, outside of love, and perhaps when i'm in it deep enough, i'll meet someone who shares a similar version of the life i'd like to live (or at least not reject it completely), and we can support one another.
it's just difficult to let go of the attachment to the good feelings i had during our time together...an unhealthy drug that felt good i guess....it felt nice to not be alone for a while.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): The question isn't "when do I just dismiss what he said." It's 'why did you listen to him in the first place?'
You started out knowing what you wanted, and what you needed for the place you're at in your life. By not sticking to that, you've been sidetracked into something miserable. I understand that you're devastated just now, and that you're trying to heal. It will understandably take a while. But convince yourself that this person has no place in your life whatever. He sounds controlling and manipulative. It's abundantly clear that the relationship is profoundly unhealthy for you. So place it firmly behind you.
Your heart was telling you from the outset what you should be doing. If there's a lesson in all this, maybe it's that you should listen to your heart, and be true to yourself, regardless of what others say. Your instincts are sound -- follow them!
Good luck with your healing.
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