A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my partner live together, we've been together for 4 years now; he's a great guy, kind, loving and caring.Our relationship does have the occasional squabble, but over trivial things, not things that cause break-ups in other relationships.Usually every other weekend either my parents or his parents visit us and vice versa; it works out best that way for us with our lifestyles (I'm an IT admin, my boyfriend works in computer training).However, for the last few weeks when my boyfriend's parents have come down we've recently noticed stuff going missing - at first it was small things like mints from our mint tray (we actually saw my boyfriend's dad stealing from them and stuffing them in his pocket), but now it's gone on to bigger things, to things like a car jetwash from our garage and some of my underwear (some of which disappeared from my drawer and off the washing line) - and I suspect it might be my boyfriend's dad, it can't be his mum as she's so gentle and caring. I worry if she knew she'd have a heart attack. I know it couldn't be my boyfriend as he is kind and generous and hates stealing; he worked as a security guard for a time as well when he was younger.I honestly don't know how to deal with this; if I got the police involved I'm worried about the fallout that could result from it.I could ban his father from our house, but it'd be sad, as his mum's a lovely person and her sense of humour always brightens our weekends - she's young at heart, and his dad is too.My question is; what should we do and how can I handle this situation without getting into a complex family dispute?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 how old is dad? it might be early onset dementia.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): If you call the police, they will probably laugh at you because all of those stolen things are practically worthless. This problem has nothing to do with theft, it is a mental health issue. One of his parents might be a kleptomaniac.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 Kleptomania perhaps? Since the items that are stolen are so odd and have little or nothing in common.
Hide things away when they visit, or follow them around all the time? Install security cameras?
As long as nothing of value goes missing (some mints and knickers aren't expensive) then just let it be I suppose. Or visit their home and look around for your items.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 November 2011):
" and I suspect it might be my boyfriend's dad, it can't be his mum as she's so gentle and caring"
don't be so quick to assume it's dad. Ted Bundy was a lovely fellow and many people liked him. He met the author Ann Rule when working a suicide hotline. How many women did he murder????
How does YOUR PARTNER feel about this?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 November 2011):
 I agree, have your husband deal with this. Also, maybe take them out to dinner in stead of having them at your house.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): If I were you I would get your boyfriend to have a discreet chat with his Dad over this, stealing is wrong, there may be a reason behind it, and if your boyfriend can talk to his Dad calmly but firmly, it may be resolved. I know it is a hard situation, but going to the xtreme of calling the police on his Dad or banning his Dad from your house is a bit harsh if no-one has spoken to his Dad about it. I know if my boyfriend banned either of my parents from our home I would resent him, even over something like this, and I doubt I could remain in a relationship with him even though I love him with all my heart. I had a situation where my Uncle and Aunt came to our house to visit and when they went home we would find stuff missing, started with toilet paper and progressed, i talked with them and found it was my Aunty, she was a lovely lady and didn't know why she took them. A few after the instance we found out she had tumours in her brain which was causing the change in her behaviour. I am just saying that sometimes there are uncontrollable things which cause these things, it doesn;t excuse the behaviour, but in her case it wasn't her fault. Give your boyfriend the chance to discuss it with his father before doing anything drastic, that way you can avoid any family disputes, and any resentment which can ensue from that. That's just my experience and advice though, in the end you have to do what you feel is right. Good luck, I hope it all works out.
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