A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I've been talking to this guy for about four months. We get along great, he's a couple years older than me and has tons more experience. I'm still a virgin and this guy was only my second kiss. He says he doesn't want a relationship because he had just gotten out of one when we met. I didn't mind that at first because that gave us time to get to know eachother without any pressure. We've talked about sex, our different experience levels, mine being none lol. He says he'd love to have sex with me cause it is attracted to me but he says he won't pressure me knowing that I'm not ready for that and because he doesn't want to hurt me in any way(mentally, physically, or emotionally) by having sex with me. But he said if it was cool with me we could work on my kissing, which I thought was awesome since I totally lack any experience in kissing. So a couple weeks passed and I brought up his offer again, he said sure as long as it's okay with me and of course it is. He then flat out asked if were friends with benefits, I agreed just thinking about kissing and getting some experience but nothing major. So a couple days later we hang out at the pool, we make out, we take a ride on his bike, we talked, and then when I had to leave an head to work at he was kissing me goodbye, he stuck his hand down my pants and started fingering me. When I got to work he txted me asking how I felt about him doing that. Which I thought was kinda nice, showing that he cared. Then the next night he txts me and invites me to his house the next morning. So the next day I head over there, when I first get here we just chill on the couch watching tv, he asks if I'm hungry, then makes me bacon and eggs :) After we eat we're on the couch again and we start to kiss and again he starts to finger me and starts to get more into it, he gets on top of me and that was too much for me so I stop him. He sits down and pulls me onto his lap and asks if that was too much for me I honestly answer yes and he seemed to be fine with that. We continue to watch tv and once again start kissing as were cuddling on the couch, this time he doesn't try anything, he's being gentle and kind and were just kissing. He guides my hand down and I end up giving him a hand job. After all that, that ends all the sexual stuff, we go swimming and just relax some more until I have to leave, he walks me out to my car, gives me a hug and kisses me goodbye saying he was glad I came over to chill and that we got to chill the past couple days. Remember all this has been my first experience with sexual stuff so it's all new to me and a little overwhelming. I have feelings for him, but I don't know if he is just using me. Any advice on what I should do? Do you think he is just using me? Should I break this off?P.S. He's been the one inviting me to hang out and always asks what I would like to do and even bought a helmet just for me so I can ride on his bike with him. I don't know what to think.
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fingering, friend with benefits, hand-job, kissing, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): "He says he doesn't want a relationship."Translation: He doesn't want a relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf you would like, I'll provide an update when I return from vacation and I stand up to him. I have a feeling it may turn out to be quite entertaining :)
I don't think I could've done this without you, I wouldn't have had the courage to. I mean I would eventually have stopped it but whether I wouldve stopped it before it was too late, we'll never know(Thank god it never came to that)
I won't be proud until I put an end to this and prove to him and myself that I'm not that girl and I'm not someone that can be used and walked all over.
I'll be waiting for that guy lol
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (29 June 2010):
 Thanks for updating us on the situation :)
I just wanted to say that you should not be ashamed of anything. What you should be is proud that you realized that he was no good early on, that you are willing to stand up for yourself and that you won't that bs from a guy. Never, ever, blame anything on yourself...he's the user.
And as for relationships and all that, it will happen. Trust me on that one. Sometimes it will seem that all guys want is a bit of fun. Don't let that discourage or stop you. Let those ones go and keep moving. The less time you spend with idiots like that, the sooner you will find someone who will want YOU. And it does happen. If you stick to what you believe in, you will be much better off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to address something in my last response. Oops lol. Thank you for the warning about his "promise" I have no doubt in my mind that he probably will try that. It would be a wonderful promise if there was any validity to it. As to what I'll do if he does try that, I'm not quite sure. I'll either just laugh it off or do as you said, go ahead with it but withhold all sexual aspects. Either way, he's no longer gonna have any type of control over me. Talk is cheap as they say :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you :) I'm grateful for all the help. This is not who I am, I'm not that girl that's just there for fun or a booty call and if that's all he sees me as then I'm definitely not afraid to stand up for myself. It's gonna come as quite a shock to him tho because I am kinda quiet and reserved for the most part so me just suddenly flat out telling him this is gonna make him take a step back :) (Which I will secretly enjoy haha that probably sounds bad but I can't help it)
I'm just ashamed I let myself get into this situation, it's not what I wanted at all. I guess in the back of my mind I thought things would change, or I was hoping it would since I had seen my bff in almost the same situation yet things worked out for her. But it was naive of me to even compare our two situations, they involve totally different people and of course are not actually the same situation.
You live and you learn I guess. It just sucks that this was the closest I've been to a real relationship and I was just being used. Now I just gotta put it to the back of my mind, enjoy my vacation, and when I get back, be ready to set him straight :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): Let's be obvs this guy is only looking after sex anyway I don't think that he wants a serious relationship though . He wants to have sex with you just with your permission so he can say he didn't"abuse" you or anything. Just think about it and the more important about its results. Good luck :)
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female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (28 June 2010):
I don't think you've been dumb. You've stopped to think about the situation and that shows your maturity.
I'm glad you're seeing through his bs, and good on you for wanting to stand up for yourself and not let him use you.
I think you should say exactly what you said above to him: "This is not what I'm looking for. I don't want to just mess around with someone just for fun. I want a meaningful relationship with someone I have feelings for and care about and who feels the same in return."
A word of warning though. He might try to change your mind and 'promise' you a relationship down the track. It's up to you if you want to go ahead but if you do, withold on all the sexual stuff...see how long he sticks around.
Good luck :))
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I really appreciate the no bs, straight up answers. I've been pretty dumb through all this. Its pretty blatantly obvious he doesn't want a relationship but I was holding onto the little things hoping that they meant otherwise.
No I definitely never wanna lose my virginity to someone who I am not in a long commited relationship with. And I definitely don't plan on losing my virginity anytime soon. I guess I was just looking for the best in him when in reality he is just manipulating me.
I will end my stupidity and this disaster when I return from vacation as he is on vacation right now therefore I have no means of contact with him at this moment. I will simply tell him this is not what I'm looking for. I don't want to just mess around with someone just for fun. I want a meaningful relationship with someone I have feelings for and care about and who feels the same in return. I gave feelings for you and if this is not something you see happening between us, that's fine, but I'm no longer gonna be used as your little toy. How does that sound?
Once again, Thank you for all your help. I just needed that little extra push.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (28 June 2010):
He's not after a relationship, he's only after sex. Whenever a guy says that he doesn't want a relationship but still wants to see you to fool around it means you're good for that stuff only. Don't be that girl.
Any time you do girlfriend type of stuff with a guy and you're not in a relationship with him, you're going to get screwed (pardon the pun). He will not develop feelings for you or want to make you his girlfriend. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but it's very rare.
You are young, he knows you don't have much experience. He's older than you and all this 'work on your kissing' is total bullshit. First he wanted to work on your kissing, and the next thing you know he's got his hand down your pants. He knows that you don't have much experience and that's a challenge to him.
You say that he texted you after the hand in pants incident, that he made you food when you were over at his, and that he bought you a helmet. So what? To you this makes him seem loving and caring, but the truth is, this is his way to get you to relax, to trust him and to eventually sleep with him.
If he was really loving and caring he'd want a relationship first, the getting to know you, and then the sexual stuff. Trust me on this.
You are young and impressionable. You seem to trust him and want to see the best in him. I have a feeling that he's out to use you. I think that if you keep going with him like this, you will soon end up in bed with him. Without the stability of a relationship that won't last for long.
Think clearly what you're getting yourself into. Any time you get into things with a guy who is not your boyfriend you get hurt.
If I was you I would not want to lose my virginity to someone who is not committed to me. Just my two cents.
You need to be smarter here. Many guys are users. You need time to figure this out. This guy seems to care about your feelings, but I think he's only doing this to get what he wants. He knows you have no experience and he knows that if he is to push you, you will walk away. So he's going slow, making you trust him and when you do end up having sex with him, you won't be able to say he forced you. Think about it.
All the best to you.
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A
female
reader, RUPrincess  +, writes (28 June 2010):
Fisrt of all, how much older is this guy? You say a couple of years which could be anything from 2-5 years, and therefore he is breaking the law by interacting with you sexually. Keep that in mind, as you don't want to suffer the implications if an adult, say your parent/guardian ever found out.Aside from that, just ask yourself, do you want to be getting sexually involved with this guy at your age? I completely understand why you are finding it so overwhelming. Sex, in any form, is a huge deal emotionally. It's the first person you allow to touch you, and be part of you in such an intamate way. Are you really ready for that?As to whether he is using you, one simple question could answer it "Are we together or do you ever see us being together soon?". Obviously if he is already thinking about having a sexual relationship with someone else then he is surely over his previous relationship, otherwise this could be very damaging to both of you.Finally, if you do ever decide to have a full sexual relationship with this guy, or any guy for this matter, please think about birth control in some form, you can easily go to your local GP and dicuss your options, and it will remain completely confidential, so your parents/guardians will never have to know if you don't want them too.Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
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