A
female
age
41-50,
*azzkat
writes:i am 24 and have been married for almost 5 years. things were wonderful for the 5 months before the wedding, but afterward, everything went to chaos.he goes through these frequent periods of what i can only assume to be depression (since he refuses to see a therapist). i have learned during those times to stay out of his way and be completely compliant, unless i am looking for a throw down fight.when he is not "depressed", he still can blow up at any little thing that may happen, which leaves me in a constant state of stress. it can be a pen running out of ink, or the neighbors listening to music (live in duplex)--he will fly off the handle instead of just brushing it off.he was jobless for the last 2 years and sent us into financial ruin, (which he blames on ME) and during that time flat out refused to get a job. out of fear i stayed (we had some of our worst fights then, most of which were physical) and worked double overtime to try to make up the difference, to no avail. he finally got a job, so he is in a non-"depressed" state, but still has the rage issues. he spends every last cent we have after paying the bills, and i have absolutely had it. i haven't been attracted to him in a long time (it's like living with a very hateful little brother), and have no want to try counseling.we are planning a bankruptcy for sept and i am wondering if this is my oppertunity to make a run for it. i tried to leave him once before, but he got very violent and first threatened me, then himself. then he broke down sobbing and begged and made promises...i'm sure you know how that turned out.should i do it after the bankruptcy, or before? also, anyone have advice on how to peacefully leave a rageful person with no one getting physically hurt or him threatening to kill himself?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 July 2008):
 It's great to hear your moving toward being safe. While free from this situation I want you to work hard on building yourself back up. Recaliming what he'd taken away with his anger, and the impact that has on you.
Build yourself to be the strongest person you can for yourself. The stronger you become the easier picking a partner will become. Reason being, these guys possess certain behavior characteristics. Learning about yourself and what maks you the person you are, will enable you to pick out behaviors in others that may signal a dangerous sign.
I wish you the best. Take care.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 July 2008):
 I'm so happy to hear you're making the plans. I hope things go smoothly and that you're safe soon. Keep us posted.
Best wishes.
xxx
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A
female
reader, jazzkat +, writes (23 July 2008):
jazzkat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you ALL so much for your advice and input. trisha, i have these number and info now, thanks to you. i found a local shelter and am going to call them very soon to make my plan.
baby duck, you are right about the absurd thoughts, infact i am already fighting them (i was making a list when i signed in here..."if i take this, how mad will he be?"; "i should leave that because he needs it more than i do", etc).
oldersister and jennymack: you guys really sunk some things home for me and gave me new things to think about....
the job he has now is actually AT MY WORK PLACE! we are in different departments of the hospital, but i work 7p-7:30a, and he works 7a-3:30p. our work is just down the street from our duplex, and he knows my schedule by heart. this opens up a whole new set of worries, 'cause i really need that job.
also, thanks to y'all, i now see something...i have become my own worst enemy. it's insane that i have to fight not just him, but also with my own brain to prove that i deserve this. there have been some truly aweful things that have happened between us, but i keep finding that i try to break these down and rationalize them...try to tell myself "well it was just that once", or "don't be a bitch and leave him high and dry", or "we get along sometimes", and "if you leave, you might not find anyone who will love you again".
the one time i actually tried to leave, this^^^^ was my downfall. that was the time he got really crazy, and i saw him act in a quiet calm way that scared me more than all of his yelling and screaming. i managed to get out the back door with the car keys and went to my parents. of course he knew where i would go, and lit up their phone and eventually managed to talk me back home to "talk". and that was that. i was back. never in a million years did i think i would be one of "those girls".
anyway, thanks again everyone. i will keep you posted.
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A
female
reader, JennyMack +, writes (21 July 2008):
 I will tell you how I left my rageful husband this last winter. I originally made a plan to ask him out to dinner on the weekend and have a couple of my friends sit near by in the restaurant. That is where I would tell him I want him to move out and that I am seeking a divorce. If he shouted or got violent, then police could be called and someone could intervene. Things got bad enough that week that I didn't wait for the weekend. I left him a letter which explained it all and stayed with friends until he cleared out of the house.
Also from my experience -
Any threats or things he will say to you when you leave are all in his bag of tricks for manipulation. This man has been abusive for years - he knows what makes you tick and knows your insecurities and how to play them. He will throw down guilt, blame, shame, anger, remorse, and may even start talking like the man you wanted to marry. Don't trust a single word. You cannot control what he does or says, so don't rack your brain on trying to figure out what will you do if he threatens suicide. If he contacts you repeatedly when you ask him not to, and if he is baiting you to respond to threats of homocide or suicide or any physical harm to you or himself - just call the police and have them respond.
I hope you are taking notes on how he has made you feel. He will try to lure you back at some point, or you will start to feel lonely and want to remember the good times. That's when you can read your notes and remember what you were setting out to do and why. Stick to your guns! You are not the awful, unloveable-by-anyone-else person he would like for you to think you are. And you are perfectly right to get away from his abuse.
It was helpful to me when I left my husband to stick with individual weekly counseling sessions, rely heavily on girlfriends for support, and do a lot of journaling.
Abuse never gets any better - it only escalates!!
Good luck to you and Bless you
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Hi there,
yes, take the advice of the other posters. Get out now, or at the very least start making plans right now so you can leave at the drop of the hat.
You are in danger and he may end up hurting you or worse.
Personally, I think you really need to get out this very second, take off and stay with a relative, you can always get family to help you deal with this monster (preferably male relatives as bullies like this are generally cowards and will back down if a few male friends or relatives are their with you).
But he is unstable and needs help, if he wont get it you are most likely going to continue to be the brunt of his brutal behaviour and could find yourself in a situtation which you cant back out of.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2008):
Hi, this is a terrible situation you're in. Obviously you'll be leaving him one way or the other at this point, so it would be a good idea to have a plan organized. I really don't know if it's in your best interest to wait until September or not. I think that his stress level will rise however, until then, and things are going to get much worse.
I strongly urge you to contact this organization, so that they can refer you to local help, and perhaps find you a legal/financial advisor also.
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
Phone 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233).
Website http://www.ndvh.org
I do not have any experience with abusive spouse so I cannot give you any tips, I'm sorry. The people above are experienced and can guide you so that your safety is maintained.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 July 2008):
Should you wait until September? NO! Get out immediately. You should not have to endure this behavior any more. You've done so long enough. There comes a time when the only option is to call it quits, without hesitating at all. Staying until September you'd only be increasing the probability of long term mental damage to yourself.
You are not at fault for any of his behavior. With his violence, I highly recommend getting a restraining order placed. This is important, because violence can escallate when someone leaves.
States opportate processes a bit different. As soon as you get a chance too, call and speak to a "domestic violence victims advocate". They can assist you in assuring a safer process in leaving. They'll walk you through it, assist with the restraining order process, even attend the hearing with you.
It's not just about the leave to safety. It's about being safe during the process. You deserve better. Somewhere living without fear. Where no one will lay a hand on you, or talk down to you. Leaving is a difficult transition. In your situation, I believe sooner than later.
I hope you get out of there right away. Take care.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Classic abusive partner. All the signs and behavior is there.
Good thing you realize that your only option is to get out of there. Lots of people in your situation take a long time to even come to this point.
"i tried to leave him once before, but he got very violent and first threatened me, then himself. then he broke down sobbing and begged and made promises...i'm sure you know how that turned out."
Yes, it is almost a checklist. Including the emotional blackmail. Leave me and I will kill myself, trying to make you feel responsible for it all and get you to stay. The promises, oh they work maybe for a little while and then you are back where you started except now he knows you got a weak spot he can use.
Frankly, you need to make another step and that is to stop thinking you are not in anyway responsible for him. IF he comes to ruin when you leave him, that is his problem. Not yours. If he harms himself, so be it. Not your responsibility.
Not that it is likely. Suicide after all is when people blame themselves! Not when they put their mistakes on everyone else. He just doesn't have the personality for it, few abusers do. Without anyone else to blame things on he may actually be forced to finally get his life in order. Odd as it may sound, you leaving him could be the best thing that ever happened to him, but if not, not your problem. You need to take care of yourself first.
There is probably no way to handle this peacefully, there is no best way except that which is best for you and that is to get out of there. Sooner rather then later. If possible, do it while he is way, get family, preferable consisting of strong male relatives, to help you move your stuff out and just leave.
Depending on the level of violence you may wish to ask for aid for battered women, there are shelters that can take you in and protect you.
Let the divorce be handled by a lawyer.
But just END it. No talking, no remaining friends, no closure.
You got married, you had fights, you left, got divorced, the END.
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