A
male
age
30-35,
*ilitaryman1234
writes:Hello its Military Man once again. The count down for deployment is 4 days and im starting to experience things I never really strongly felt before.....emotion. I mean Ive been hurt and understood this but I never been able to show it. Like when my wife destroyed me I think the most emotional I got was a drunken bar fight. The only three times I remember crying in my adult life was the birth of my daughter, Miscarriage of my Son, and the passing of my Grandfather. Even the new girl I told you about said I was a like a doorknob she would drop hints all day and I would never catch them. It was like I had a social disabbilty to normal human emotion. Probably why i took my wife back so many times...But my point is this. last week its like the flood gates have been open im being hit with all these emotions that my body has never been able to process. Fear guilt insecurity shame depression saddness Joy.. like its just so overwhelming and insane. Some examples.I just recently had to start sleeping with my door cracked and my hall light on because of fear and paranoia.I can cry at the drop of a hat thinking about leaving my kids and how much I will miss themI am starting to feel guilty about leaving my wife and find my self thinking about herI cried durning the Maze runner WTF!! I have never had these issues before. I have always been deattached from my feelings and enjoyed being this way. The only time I could generaly process any feelings is when I concentrated on these events and wrote them down. But now all my feelings are just out there and open for the world to see.. is this just normal behaviour caused by fear and anxiety from deployment. Or is this caused from supressing my feelings from being cheated on and lied to and living with her and ignoring her actions for so long.Or am I just going bat shint crazy from the combination from both these draining life changing events..Any advice will help because I want the old rock solid man I was. Not this heart on the shoulder kind of boy I am now
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 May 2016):
 Your feelings will catch up with you at some point in life, you cannot run away from them forever. It could be all steming from the fact that you need to leave your wife and children. Do you have a therapist that you can talk to? Someone to listen to you and give you guidance? I know that it must be scary for you, but allowing yourself to feel emotions is good. I can understand that fear and paranoia is not a great feeling, that is why I think you should talk to someone.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 May 2016):
 I don't think suppressing feelings is wrong, or a weakness either. People who work full time in stressful jobs are switched into warrior mode so the priority is tasks, and not talking about romance and feelings. When you have a moment to relax and reflect, you are left to deal with feelings you suppressed. There is no excuse of anyone cheating. Perhaps when young people marry they need to know what they are getting into. I don't think that the lifestyle of holding down the home front alone is suitable for someone who can't handle loneliness. When you are a military wife, you are married to the whole country. Things like feeling desirable, being attended to, are secondary. It is a sacrifice to make. The wife really has to believe in what the husband is doing.
I am guessing there a quite a few of your older colleagues who had dealt with divorce because of cheating. They can give you advice because they know your specific problem. You may find that it's better to take time off, to ponder what to do in your life decisions. I won't blame you if you can't concentrate on your job, worrying that your wife would cheat again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 May 2016):
 People have this notion that a man isn't a man if he shows "too many" emotions. I don't think that is true.
You have a LOT of things to need to process. I strongly suggest you go talk to the chaplain of your unit.
As for you question: "is this just normal behaviour caused by fear and anxiety from deployment." I don't think THERE is a "normal" setting there. I know my husband withdrew from us (the kids and I) about 1-2 week before he left. He spend as much time at work as possible. We had a little send-off for him about 3 days prior and he didn't really seem to enjoy it. We talked about it later and he said he was trying to take everything in, in case he didn't make it home. Each deployment was actually a little different for him and us.
So do not FEEL you have to BE a certain way, that there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way to feel before a deployment. Just don't let it fester. TALK to someone, and I suggest the Chaplain. Doesn't matter if you are not religious, many of these guys are trained to be VERY good listeners.
And honestly, WHO would feel a mix of everything before a deployment?
Just remember WHEN you set foot "over there" your priority is your JOB. You have to find a way to leave the "drama" behind. Your fellow soldiers need you focused.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (21 May 2016):
 I am in the same boat.
After bottling it up all my life, I've found that sometimes tears start over the stupidest things.
It is all the bad experiences you have had finally overwhelming you, like they did me.
As men we are told to be tough and strong and not show any emotion. They are all still in there though.
I think you will get used to it in time and will be fine.
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