A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey I met a guy online and ever since that we have been friends for 5 years recently I went to his country to see him. through our friendship he has always told me he has feelings for me and he loves and respects me saying if you were here with me it would be amazing etc..so I went and took the plunge and saw him but while I was with him he acted so different to how he had always been and spoke to me.we ended up sleeping together and half way through he said he couldn't carry on cos of our friendship and he didn't wanna hurt me or make me feel he was using me.but I said its just a one off, but while I was there with him he was so distant with me,and we had a fall out.its been a week now and I haven't really heard off him,i don't know what to do or whats goin on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): I have learned when being involved in a relationship or a friendship with a man, do not expect anything, just go with the flow. Don't sleep with a man who isn't committed to you, and always know that they can just do as total 180 because it has happened to so many women. I really feel for you from my own personal experience. When I met this man we started as
friends talking for hours and I just happened to see a music
video by Pharrell called "Happy" It cheers me up no matter
what or how I am feeling. Guys play games and confuse us sometimes but you have total control over your life and it
wasn't your fault. Check out that video it might help you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 February 2014):
 what happened was he realized that the reality of the relationship did not match the fantasy made up online over the last 5 years.
It's not personal. Sometimes we have chemistry with folks online and not in person. Sadly it happens more often than not.... that's why until folks meet face to face I'm very hesitant to acknowledge it as a "relationship".
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A
female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (3 February 2014):
At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy-duddy:I think in this current age of technology, people have forgotten how to interact face-to-face. Take phones for example. People are caught off-guard, almost frightened, if I (God forbid) call them instead of text. The fact that 23 texts can be solved in a 2 minute phone conversation is irrelevant. So now this guy is so used to "being with you" (in whatever way) online, that seeing you in flesh is too overwhelming. that's the problem with online relationships. You meet a person, they check off everything on your list, their words are charming and their picture isn't hideous. But people are different in real life, and there are so many factors that come into account. Facial expressions, body language, smell, eye-contact, the way they use their voice, their posture when they run. It is really THESE things that cause attractiveness, more than someone's political belief and the figures in their bank account, though of course those things are nice too. So maybe you didn't fulfill the woman in his imagination, and certainly he didn't fulfill yours (men are still more awkward than women.) More likely though, he was probably just super-self-conscious of his own behaviour. I agree with Janniepeg, except I don't even think there needs to be another woman in the picture. I think just the fact that he is a male member of this generation is explaination enough. I'm really sorry about your disappointment, but I think it would be better for you to forget about this guy and meet people in real life, or either online but locally (so you don't invest five years into something, only for the guy to not know how to behave.)I don't think you did anything wrong. I think he needs to grow up and say what he means, and stops playing games with anyone. But I'm reading about problems like these way more than often, so it would be nice if the world strived to be more comfortable with basic human interactions.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 February 2014):
 He learns to be careful about what he asks for, because a dream is very different from real life. In dreams, everything is perfect, there is no awkwardness, and you don't care about the blurred boundaries of friendship or serious partner. I am not sure if this can be a one off. The way you interacted revealed the sentiments that a one night stand would not have. I hoped you got to see the city by yourself, and you don't feel it's money wasted just on him. I also hope you learn that men can say anything when caught up at the moment but not really mean it. If there is a reason he is distant, it might be because he's attached to someone or also promised her things, so it made your encounter inappropriate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): only he knows why he acted differently in person. But whatever his reasons are - it all boils down to one conclusion.
He's just not that into you.
It's probably not you or anything you did. Maybe he just can't handle a real life attachment and prefers virtual relationships instead. But that's just my speculation.
You took a chance, it didn't work out. It sucks but dust yourself off and don't let it get to you.
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