A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some dire help in trying to figure out this girl. Too shorten a long story last summer I had a major falling out with my very close female friend of 7 years. The falling out happened because all she did was complain to me about boyfriends and ask me for help in getting guys to sleep with her (psycho I know). Instead of focusing on myself in my own relationships I threw that aside for her. During all this I met another girl who I befriended. She was going through problems with her boyfriend at the time so we bonded through that. We lasted friends until December because she was doing the same thing my friend of 7 years did and would call me late night crying about her problems. I blocked her number and all social media sites because I was ready to live my own life instead of someone elses. Fast forward to Februrary and she begged for my friendship back. I told her I didn't want chick friends anymore because they friendzone me (which is totally fine) but want me to be sit and watch them chase after other guys. I told her I would accept her friendship if she promised never to bring up guys she was dating or complain about guys she was seeing too me due to previous experiences. She agreed. Now from Feb to the begining of May we grew really close. She would invite me over to her house. She would text me everyday and text me "I miss you" when she hadn't seen me. She would even get mad when I wouldn't text her back. We saw each other everyday so much I had to bring up if she liked me. She said no and said I wasn't her type so I agreed and we continued our friendship. One day she tricked me into meeting a guy she liked and rubbed it in my face.Now all of the sudden new guys have popped up in her life and the texts have stopped as well as the attention she once gave me. On the occasions we do talk she lies about what she is doing that night and puts the guy she is with on her social media. My question is what is going on and what should I do? Should I just dissconnect myself from this person again and forget about her?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 Your new friend does not like you in a romantic way, you need to accept that, deal with it and move on, she never promised you anything. She said she would stop talking about guys with you so she did, and she lies. It is her choice what she writes and puts on social media, and everything she does is not to rub it in your face. She has already told you that you are not her type you need to accept that and if you don't want a friendship then end it.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 May 2016):
 I read your entire post. No, you *haven't* dropped the 7-year old friend. You may not be talking to her at the moment, but she's still the baggage around your neck, and you're still falling back into the patterns. My advice totally stands with you!
Honeypie has it perfectly when she tells you NOT to be a "best friend" with a woman who has a boyfriend. You'll be the emotional chamber pot she dumps her problems into.
If you have to *tell* a woman that you "won't be her white knight", then you should already be getting her out of your life.
You have an intimacy problem, and it's still because you're terrified!! Why can't the women you date and are sexually active with BE your best friend as well?? Why can't the women you date be the one who gets YOUR attention and be the one you want to know?? Why are you dating one woman while trying to be friends with another?? Again, that 7-year friendship screwed you up, and it still is. You're repeating the pattern with this new woman.
And also, what the hell?! Would you want to date and have a relationship with a woman, fall in love with her, and have her have a 7-year guy best friend in her life that she runs to with all of her problems with you?? NOT COOL! That's called having an emotional affair!
Again, you're scared of rejection. Find a girl who's AVAILABLE and have a real relationship. Leave girls who have boyfriends alone! That's just you insulating yourself against rejection again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): Learn the gentleman's rule of how to handle fickle females or flaky friends. You dump them. You do not deal with the drama, you don't complain, and you don't develop a bad attitude. You simply dump them, and move on. You don't hold on to anyone or anything that doesn't bring you love and joy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 May 2016):
 I agree with YouWish.
Drop her.
She knows exactly where she has you (she thinks) and while SHE might look at you as a friend, you have been holding out for more - which is not a good thing in a REAL friendship. And I DO think SHE made you think there was more going on. She IS playing games.
Stay far away from girls with BF's and BF problems. They have issues with the BF? Then they are not for you. Because they aren't REALLY looking for a friend but for someone to use as a crutch or entertainment (attention). Don't be another dude's band-aid.
A girl with a BF should be off limits. Unless of course you live for drama.
I think, you have this assumption that if you stick it out as a friend they will see what a great guy you are, and want to be with you... THAT is not how it works. Of all my male friends over the years only ONE was someone I had used to date. The rest? ALL platonic. They had their relationships, I had mine. No "friendzoning" happened.
Having friend of the opposite gender is great in my book, IF you can keep romantic notions out of the picture. Not saying that If you met a girl and you fall for each other you can't BE best friends, but starting out as friends for years then romantically doesn't always work for both. Usually there IS a reason WHY nothing have happened ALL those years. And that reason is NOT "friend-zoning" - it's the fact that only ONE develop a romantic attachment.
Stop wasting your time "pining" after a girl who likes to play games and isn't that into YOU. It is holding YOU back from finding a girl who IS into you.
Like YouWish said, START asking girls out you are interested in dating. If they say, no thanks BUT WE CAN BE FRIENDS... skip them and move in to the next. If you WANT A GF don't settle for being a side kick or a "friend".
You already have some good things going for you, you are quite capable of being a good listener and you have patience - both are great.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo it's been almost a year already since I've stopped being friends with the best friend of 7 years. She is now my ex-bestfriend and out of my life for good. This "new" friend I told her I'm not her white knight and will not be treated like a guy in the friend zone. I'm not sexually inactive and I do go on dates. The problem is this "new" friend is being shady and lying about not being able to hang out with me while she touts on social media she is socially engaging with other people.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (6 May 2016):
The biggest problem from where I'm standing is that you are saying you are friends with this girl but you're not. You like her as more than a friend and youve been hanging around in the hope that she will suddenly realise that you are the one for her. That's not going to happen.
If you were truly friends with her you wouldn't mind listening to her talk about her love interests. I have male and female friends and I do this all the time with them. The only time it would become an issue is if I had deeper feelings for one of the guys.
So my advice to you is this. If you like someone as a friend, be their friend. If you like someone as more, ask them out. If they say no then MOVE ON and find someone else. Don't hang around hoping they might change their mind. I'm afraid like a lot of men, you have put yourself in the friend zone. It's time to get out.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 May 2016):
I have special care for guys like you who can't get out of the Friend Zone and are getting frustrated and on their last nerve. So I want you to know that my advice to you is from someone who really does care about you, though I have never met you.
Before I start, I'm going to be pretty direct, but I have a feeling that you're sick of fake politeness and a "you'll make someone very happy" blowoff, and you're ready for a bit of straight talk. I'm going to number these so that you can read it easier.
1. Drop your female friend of 7 years. I mean it. Drop her right now. If you're friendzoning a girl you like, and face up to it, that's the reason why you don't want to hear about her other guys, you aren't free to find a girl of your own. She knows you like her, and she likes the attention. She is never going to realize that she's always loved you while you're with her meeting her every emotional need. So leave her alone!
2. Quit being the "boyfriend" placeholder. You're there because it's SAFE. You keep doing the same thing over and over hoping that she (or whoever else you're interested in and not making a move over) will make one on you. Ain't going to happen.
3. Stop thinking that the "first move" is to declare feelings for someone. NO! Find someone you like and ASK THEM OUT! Go on a date. Make it clear you're not interested in a friendship. You're interested in getting to know a woman romantically. But that hits to the heart of why you *are* a friend zone...you're chicken of being rejected. Time to grow iron skin and go for it.
4. Stop being available to women. You're not going to get respected if you are the dependable, drive her to work, shoulder to cry on, always on the other side of the phone, johnny on the spot with the texts, etc. Be mysterious, for crying out loud!
5. Have interests of your own. Have friends who are guys! Go out to the bars, the clubs, social hangouts, and pick up a girl! You don't need to have a one night stand. Get some phone numbers, get a few dates, go out with girls!
6. Be aloof. You don't have to be a jerk to women. But you don't always have to hold her purse either. Have nothing you need a woman for. I've seriously seen guys who look like the gum I've scraped off my shoe have women throw themselves at them, and they're not rich! They just had game and had a great personality, and they weren't always available.
7. Stop being *needy* for attention with her or any girl. Delete her from your social media. She's now someone you used to know. If she declares her feelings for you after you disappear on her, then come back here and tell us what happened in detail. Otherwise, give her the blackout treatment and act like you have been too busy to miss her.
8. This one will sound weird, but I've heard testimonials from a lot of guys who did this, but if you're a porn addict, lay off the porn for a bit. Porn is a crutch that stunts the romantic lives of friend zone guys. Try to keep masturbating to a minimum, but if you do it, do NOT use porn! You'll start noticing women left and right, and you'll start zooming in on those you want to get to know. Many guys have reported feeling like girls are so much more attracted to them once their virility isn't "sapped" out to porn. No, I'm not anti-porn. Just for your reference, look at yourbrainonporn.com and see the scientific reason why. No judgments!
9. Did I mention - drop this girl altogether?? If she's been your friend for 7 years, that means you've known her since you were 15-18? HIGH SCHOOL! You're not that guy anymore, and by staying with her, you're keeping yourself immature and devoid of real purpose and ambition in your life, two things of which girls are attracted to, by the way. This girl has been so much on a pedestal that you've not let yourself grow up and mature sexually. It's time to cut the cord and change your expectations from high school or college to the adult world. It's time.
You've been holding a friend zone candle that needs to be extinguished and thrown into the trash. It's time.
You've been hiding behind hoping some girl catches your signals and suddenly responds. It's time.
You've been hiding in the friendzone because it's safer and less risk. It's time.
Work on yourself. Go for what you want, and make no apologies for not being interested in her friendship. This isn't about "chick friends". This is about you riding a bicycle without training wheels for the first time in your adult life.
Leave her in the dust and go ask girls out. Not friendship. Not doing things for them. Not "Mr. Dependable who loves you from afar".
Catch my drift?? You scared?? Good. What are you gonna do about it?
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