A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a woman in her early 40s. Divorced 2 years and have dated a little but find dating difficult as I never did much before marrying my first husband of 20 years. I do have a boyfriend now. He asked me after only a few dates to see him exclusively. We live 30 min apart and see each other usually on Fri and or Sat night. I will Normally stay at his place til 9 or so on Sat morn and return about 3 in the afternoon and Stay til Sunday about noon. We've been doing this for about 2,5 months now. Hes given me a house key. Recently, however, he has changed the lock on the shed door (used to be keyed like the house) and told me it's his space and I don't need to be in there. I not only feel like he's hiding something but that he's shutting me out of more than just the shed. Am I wrong to expect that when you're in a relationship like ours you shouldn't keep doors locked? We've only dated a short time but this just feels wrong - or is it just a guy thing --- help!!
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 June 2012):
 Well then OP, I think that if it bothers you, you need to at least let him know how you feel.
He does have the right to some privacy.. but if nothing has changed and things are good between you by all means, let him have his privacy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): OP it's been 2.5 months if not allowing him have any privacy about anything is the only way you'll gain trust then I'm afraid you may never learn to trust him because he sounds like he values that in certain respects. It's a shed, what's it got to do with you what's in there I certainly wouldn't have given you a key and access to my house after that time, you could come in and steal all my stuff.
If I was dating a girl and after that amount of time she felt she couldn't trust me and she couldn't allow me any privacy or she would get suspicious then I'd walk away. Because she has serious trust issues that I will have to sacrifice any and all privacy immediately to satisfy.
The explanation is simple OP trust works both ways. You still have to prove to him that you're trustworthy. I wouldn't allow a new girlfriend access to my email accounts or chat logs. I wouldn't let her go through my phone or have keys to my house after 3 months. I would most definitely not date a woman who demands to be allowed to invade my personal space. Trust is not a prerequisite, it's earned and you probably just have to earn his before he'll completely let you in you want things the wrong way around OP and are only thinking about what he has to do to earn your trust. We'll respecting his privacy seems to be an important way you can earn his. Are you going let it go and show him some faith or are you going to demand that he have no freedom to have a life separate to you
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo very confused;
I actually enjoy sharing some porn ( please don't judge) and no, I accept all of his former life, even the fact that he still sees his ex when their son and two grandkids are around.
I apprec the advise on asking the general nature of his need.
Eyeswideopen; long story but nutshell he stopped wanting sex at all. We grew into roommates. He refused getting any help at all and wouldn't pull himself out of the bottle.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 June 2012):
 Just curious, what caused the failure of your marriage?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 June 2012):
OP I get your feelings. My partner is like that... and I agree with him. We share everything with each other and have complete access to emails and snail mail (he opens mine which I've learned to be ok with since I don't have anything to hide I just think it's a bit odd)
I have journals and stuff I would rather him NOT read (such as my web blogs that are private) but if he asked I would show him...
Have you asked him what he needs his privacy for?
Do you expect him to not have porn? (maybe he is hiding his blow up doll who knows?)
Do you expect him to get rid of every last reminder of previous partners?
Are there children from previous relationships?
I would tell him that while you respect his need for privacy you would be more comfortable with it, if you knew generally what it was he was being private about.....
But yes even in a romantic committed relationship some folks feel the need to keep some things private.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll: I guess I really need an explanation of why anyone feels a need for privacy or locked off spaces from someone they've elected to be in a relationship with. I don't so I don't understand this concept. Can someone explain?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLicallion : yes, I did have access. He hasn't junked it up infact cleaning out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon response : I know I should "keep my eyes on the prize". I'm just not sure I buy into "privacy" in a relationship. I guess I'm weird but being open affords complete trust with me. Being closed just seems wrong. I suppose I dont require privacy because I have zero to hide. I don't understand requiring privacy if you're not hiding something.
...............................
A
female
reader, licallion  +, writes (3 June 2012):
Hi, maybe he just feels that the relationship is moving too fast.. or maybe he is hiding something you will never know unless you confront him about it..maybe he's thrown soo much junk in there that he doesnt want you to see the untidyness of it .You should respect his privacy, i think its important iin every relationship you have in life.. friendship and romantic relationships but you could ask him why now? when he did allow you access to it before?Did this help any?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2012): As long as he treats you well, I wouldn't worry about it. Besides, you still have a key to the house. Even if you both got married, he's still entitled to some privacy. Don't smother him. Respect his privacy and don't have a grudge about it. Don't let little things spoil the big picture. Hope this helps.
...............................
|
