A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can I talk to my boyfriend about wanting to get a place together? We both currently live with our parents but spend a lot of time together. We have been together for almost 8 months an have known each other since childhood. I want us to get a place together but am not sure how to bring up the topic. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): eight months doesn't seem like long enough for me, but I understand everyone's circumstances are different. If you have never lived outside your parent's home before, I would strongly, strongly suggest that you go flatting/renting first and live alone (or with flatmates/housemates depending on what you can afford, but not your boyfriend) for a while first. That way you can have the opportunity to be independent, and learn about running a household and enjoy having your own personal space before you live with your boyfriend. I know it is tempting to couple up start sharing all aspects of your lives together, and it seems like an ideal situation, but do not be in a rush to do so, independence is very important to have for a healthy, enjoyable life and in turn, a healthy relationship.
A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (23 September 2013):
Knowing somebody since childhood is totally different than being close to them physically,sexually and sharing a bathroom together. Its a lot different when you just get together have a nice romantic evening and then he slips out in the morning to go to work or school. You have to communicate with him on the subject. I am assuming you want to take the relationship farther. A monogamous one no? Ask him how he feels? Maybe he is not quite on the same page as you at the moment.Using my relationship as a example the subject of living together never came up until after seeing kate for almost a year and both agreeing that we were going to be committed and a monogamous couple. We talked a lot about this and i did not make the habit of dating and bedding Kate in her apartment. I was fortunate that my parents traveled a lot and their big home was empty about 6 months of the year. I had her come over about 95 percent of the time. By the time we became committed to each other almost a year into the relationship we had a lot of mini weekends at my folks place or my uncles cabin up at the lake. We had lots of opportunity to interact and check each other out. I am glad we did what we did. It helped me, it helped Kate and when she finally said its my place this weekend i just smiled and said you know it. I felt fantastic and so did she. And to this day we would of not done it any different. Moving in together is a huge change, done slowly it is very rewarding and equally challenging. But as you know there is nothing more satisfying than waking up beside the person you love in the morning and the chemistry and interaction is one of the best feelings in the world. Move forward and take some of what i have said to you inconsideration. Good-luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 September 2013):
 have you even spent a weekend away together? If not then it's little premature to think about moving in together. Relationships go through stages.
Ask him if he'd like to spend a weekend away with you.
If all goes well then after you can tell him, "gee I could get used to this" - and that should be his cue to confirm that he feels the same and is confident enough to say so. That could lead on to another conversation.
If the above does not give him a big enough hint then you can ask him more.
For instance
You can ask him ONE of these questions:e
"how did that weekend feel, were you comfortable with me this weekend ? "is there anything you would change about this weekend we have spent together?" " what made you feel comfortable about spending a weekend with me?
A guy who's been hit with a thunderbolt of attraction will actually start talking about being together with a girl forever during those first few months of the relationship. This is the "serious crush stage". Some girls even seal the relationship this early with talk of engagement etc. But I think that is too soon/
Sometimes the Serious Crush Stage fizzles out too early. And a couple breaks up. This happens to many relationships
Some couples rush from this early stage to the next stage of "getting to know you better" and then live to regret that they rushed.
And certainly some couples rush into a sexual relationship, but fail to secure the relationship, thereby later losing the relationship hardly before they even started.
I think the best method is to hasten very slowly. Get to know him better. He is likely to bring it up, (prospect of living together) up if he's really serious about you. Get used to talking about anything at all with each other. Note if you still feel comfortable or uncomfortable about talking about anything.
Living together is not all romance. There is trash to take out, cleaning to do and beds to make and rooms to tidy and money to budget. So it is important that the relationship is solid first. Money and how it is managed can derail any relationship. Sometimes there is a friend of one who the other half of the couple does not like. Discuss it. work it out. Your loyalties may seem torn at times.
When you are so comfortable that you can bring up any topic and discuss any topic you should be moving towards the "Comfortable with" stage.
This is a time when you may even start making plans to be together for the long term.
It's at this stage that it's also good to choose to take a weekend or even a week away to be with each other. Make sure the trust is high. Iron out anything that bothered you. But recognize that even these short interludes still don't prepare you for full on living together.
Discuss your finances. What you save and what you earn. How you budget. If you have any outstanding debts. Never go into a relationship blind to these essentials.
And it helps to keep your family in the loop. They know already how close you are becoming but make sure that you build relationships with his family and friends.
And finally try moving in together.
There are likely to be unanticipated little hic-cups to iron out. Make sure you are both on the lease. Set out some ground rules that you are both comfortable about. They may need a few revisions, but keep the communication open at all times.
And be open with each other every step of the way. And invite the relatives over for a meal to celebrate how well the two of you are doing about a month after you have both settled in to your new place.
Good luck with this possible big change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): Other aunts may not agree. Although you may have known each other since childhood; you've only changed your relationship to a romantic connection in the past eight months. You've got a few bumps and obstacles to overcome.
I'd say you should start saving your money for your own place now; but wait a little longer before you move in "together."
Have you ever had your own apartment, and lived on your own? Have you ever lived independently, without your parents to fall back on?
You should, before you move in with anyone else. Self-reliance isn't something to put off indefinitely. It's how you should be living now.
I have responded to many posts from people who've known each other since they were children, and their feelings changed from a platonic friendship to become lovers.
Within only months of their commitment, they started to feel uneasy and fell into a rut. They didn't know how to continue; because their feelings didn't continue in the direction they expected them to. There was a co-dependency that they mistook to be a love-connection. Sexual experimentation clouded the issue.
Later on, they lost that sexual attraction. Once that precipitated; they began to feel they may have made a bad choice by changing the dynamic of their friendship.
In essence, they felt more like brother and sister; but got the shivers to put it in such a context.
Talk about the possibility of moving in, as a general topic of future planning, anytime you like. I do suggest that you wait to see if the relationship maintains its present momentum, and the passion is not lost within 10 months or so.
Give it a year, and then you'll have a better financial-standing, and a more cohesive union.
You'll be certain that you're not acting on an impulse, you're financially independent, and all feelings are
mutual.
In it's present form, the relationship is still in its infancy. Men do not think as far into the future as women, when it comes to love-relationships. They'll fold under pressure; but disappoint you in the end. FYI
You can always get your own place anytime you want. He can visit with unlimited frequency. That way, you'll have your own privacy and independence. If things should change, you've still got your own place to call home. You'll have your own sense of power; and will not require a second opinion, unless you need one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): "how does the idea of seeing my bare breasts in person every morning sound to you?"
Basically just mention it in passing. Don't make a big deal OP, just bring up a hypothetical, see what he thinks without actually making it sound like you need it to happen.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (21 September 2013):
 You need to learn to talk to each other if you want to live together.
Why not, when you guys are alone, say something like "wouldn't it be nice if we could be alone more often?" if this is met with affirmation and approval then follow with "Maybe one day we'll have our own place where we can be" and leave it there.
8 months isn't a massively long time to be with someone so he might not be quite ready for that chat yet but you never know, he might be wondering how to broach the subject with you!
Keep it low key and offhand and if he's not ready to talk about it, don't make a big deal of it, just smile and let it go because it might just take him a bit longer to be in the same place you are emotionally.
I hope this helps AB x
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