A
male
age
30-35,
*91
writes:I have a pretty odd problem ATM lolI feel as though I'm incapable of getting 'feelings' for people. Maybe a fear of commitment if you will.Sooo, I've slept with 12 people in my life, I'd say 3 of them were people that I'd of been interested in pursuing a relationship with, the oter just one night stand kinda things. I basically lose any interest I have in a girl after ie slept with them.I always find it weird when I get talking to girls, I wouldn't say I get a crazy amount of attention, but I've talked up girls to the point of meeting up/sex and I just stop speaking to them, yeah sounds weird I know. I'm texting a girl ATM, one that I kinda just stopped texting a few months back, then my friend told me he thought she was nice, and I kinda thought 'ya know what, she is'. He's since lows to uni and she's started texting me again, she's really good looking, similar sense of humour and seems really nice, but I just can't bring myself to ask her out or move things along. I think it could be something to do with the first girl I liked. I lost my virginity to her, basically began I fall in 'love', if you could call it that at the young age I was. But she didn't feel the same, we drifted apart and she got a bf, it killed me inside and for months I just kinda went off the rails. And since then I've never been able to gain feelings of any significance really.It's beginning to bug me really because I feel as though I would like a girlfriend. But then at the time, I feel as though I'm glad I'm single. It sounds like such a stupid problem to me thinking about it, probably sounds like a load of gibberish lolThanks in advance
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (22 September 2013):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the question That was a good read Cerberus thank you for that, I'll give that a try and are what comes of it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): Well there's no "off" switch really. I stopped getting with women sexually when I figured it was time to be alone for a while it did start to catch up on me what I was doing, I did start to feel a bit empty or maybe just realized I'd felt empty the whole time. Regardless of how clear I made it that I wasn't a relationship type guy at that time it didn't stop girls getting their hopes up either which started to sour the whole thing because I was slowly regaining that thing I'd lost, my wall was crumbling and I was starting to feel bad about being that way.
My now wife became my friend through this period and even though I was a total dog at that time she was off limits due to her age and the fact she was too awesome as a friend. So I stopped it all, stopped playing the game and focussed on myself and my friendships.
I'd never lost faith in women as partners, I'd lost faith in my ability to protect myself from being hurt and I projected that onto women as being the object that could most hurt me.
That all changed as I grew to know my wife, as we spent time together as people and as a close emotional bond developed.
The difference between me and you though was it wasn't my first love, I'd had good relationships in the past so I knew the score. For me I was still reeling and in need of healing from that one vicious break up.
You know most of the time break ups don't take too long to get over if you go no contact and stuff but there's always one which catches you off guard and really fucks with your head, and the damage really lasts, the worst kind of damage then can be that emotional wall.
Maybe you're different, but for me the only way I could get rid of that wall was by building deeper more meaningful relationships with women before sex became part of the equation. It really can be too hard to see past sex once it's happened. Plus when you start shagging you can't really stop or the girl will think you've lost interest or that she is shit in bed so it's kind of a trap.
If you really want to change that it will take time but the effort you have to put in is to try and create a more meaningful connection before sex. I mean you say this girl is beautiful, similar sense of humour but only "seems" nice. Well get to know her in person, keep sex out of the equation and find out if this girl really is nice and if she is, the simple act of spending time with her and having non-sexual fun should spark that interest in you.
You just can't be afraid of letting that happen, and you also have to step out of the frame of mind of your peers too, who most likely will putting the usual "have you shagged her yet" thing on stuff. My wing man wasn't too happy when I went "chaste".
Don't worry too much about it. If you want something more deep and meaningful then make the effort to get to know this girl in a more deep and meaningful way. You've been burned in the past so you know to be protective but if you don't let girls who prove their trustworthiness in then you're really going to lose out and some amazing women.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (22 September 2013):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIamheretohelpyou that's the problem, I don't seem to have an 'interest' in anybody, whenever somebody speaks to me, I just can never be bothered to put any effort in and it's that kind of attitude that's just going to repel people and i need to snap out of it.
Cerberus that sounds pretty accurate, as degrading towards women as it sounds, I'm only seeing them in a sexual way right now and nothing more than that, no matter how nice the girl.
Is this one of those things that will just take time to pass do you think? Or is there something that I can actively do to get back on track and stop what I'm doing?
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (22 September 2013):
 I've been through this, myself. I had a really bad break up when I was a bit younger, and for years after, I was completely emotionally void and shut off. I couldn't help it. I only casually dated for a few years until I finally met someone who genuinely did it for me. But just know this will pass. One good break up can really mess you up like that.
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): Seems like you're doing all the lead up work online/through text in order to maintain a certain emotional detachment. It's only natural then that you'd want reward for that and lose interest in afterwards.
What is it that you want?
I mean if you want a relationship then break your habit and just hang with this girl, with no expectations and leave sex out of the frame for a little while and see how that goes.
I went through a phase like that but I devalued women to objects of my lust only. I got rid of that by stopping boning them and befriending them instead. That's how I met my wife. I let the emotional connection build before we had sex.
But look if you're not ready for relationship or don't want things to build into that then you're fine really, nothing wrong with having fun OP. Even then though try make it more in person and instead of just walking away why not make this girl a source of regular sex instead.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 September 2013):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy mate has ***moved*** to uni lol. Not lows!
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