A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a LDR of 11/2 months. When we met my boyfriend started talking about serious plans for our future like marriage and kids but he wanted to get his financial situation together.Two months down the line, I found out he was still talking to other women which he knew before him. We had a conversation about it and he assured me there is nothing going on with those girls and they are just friends. I did not believe it based on the contents of their chat so I asked that he get rid of all these girls. He told me that I should give him time preferably by December everything will be ok.I have been snooping and just watching him. Although he has got rid of every girl except one I still don't think it is acceptable especially because this christmas or newyear everyone was expecting a proposal. I knew I wasn't going to get one becuase we have been having ups and downs. He has been backing off.I spent xmas and new years with him. We spoke about the current state of our relationship and I confronted him about this main girl he keeps talking to. He told me this girl has done nothing to him so he can't just get rid of her.Now after our conversation, it was clear that from day one this man really was scared of commitment and has always kept his option open while i was the fool to cut ties with my men. If one really wants to be committed to a woman, I believe that you have to cut all other women that shows interest off or stay away from any distractions so you can focus on your woman and your relationship.I am very confused becuase I have met his close friends and relatives and they are refer to me as his wifey. SO I dont understand why he will still want to keep his options open. Am I being used a trphy girlfriend since almost all his friends are married?I have been reading books from Rori raye and Michael Fiore and I know I have done a lot of things wrong in our relationship like doing too much so now I am trying to get my power back.So since this is a new years, and I belive I have done more than communicating, I believe I have to move into Plan B to protect my hear. I have stopped calling him and making him call. Althought this is sending mixed messages to him like he told me the other day I have too much pride. Also plan on not having sex and see what happens between now and May before having sex again. Also we dont say to each other "I love you" anymore. It's like he just doesnt care to chase me. Will it be wrong if I withhold sex and ask for exclusivity from him now? Am I insecured in this relationship? SOme prople told me it is me he wants why do I worry about other girls. But is this a normal thing to accept?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMarieclaire did you read my entire post or you are basing your judgement on the title. If you read my entire post, you will see that I said I ahd problem with him chattinf, flirting romantically with other woman. He is in a relationship that is supposed to be exclusive. If we are not exclusive then i can do the same thing he is doing. I have seen the content of his emails, and he sounds like he is leading the women on or enjoying the company of woman who are still interested in a relationship with him.
My case is totally different. He can talk to women but not in that manner. I am not uptight? I gave him a year and half to stop the behavior and I am uptight? Please keep the negativity away from here.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 January 2012):
 my now ex husband could not keep the friends with women out of his life. he had flirtations and ego stroking conversations and he needed it to make himself feel better.
I was NEVER enough no matter how much I loved and adored him and took care of him because he was never enough for himself I was never enough for him.
you are not calling him to see what happens and you are not having sex with him to play a game.
game playing does not belong in relationships
if he cant' make a commitment and you don't trust him what kind of a relationship is this?
will YOU EVER not wonder if he has lady friends?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did not want to get into a LDR but he seem kinda very eager to settle down in the beginning which made me think the distance will be temporary. He has tried to move down here but did not get a job so he moved back to his home. I can't say he did not try.
I just feel like while I have the patience and faith to wait for him, he has to show me he is worth waiting for. I have dissected our issues and it all boils down to him not focusing on only me in the relationship. My belief is that the minute he drops all negative entities and focus on the relationship, his mind will definitely be settled and ready for a promising committment.
Although cutting all the women except one makes me to feel like he is trying to change, it just bothers me that it is taking this long and I wonder why it is difficult to tell the other woman off.
Trust me if they were just friends that chit chat every now and then, then this will not really be an issue. But the fact that he has never really refered to this woman as an ex and obviously still have feelings for her tells me a lot. She is constantly calling and writing him and sending pictures to him. I have picked up the phone once before and told her who I was and why she should not call his phone anymore. The fact that she was hurt and surprised tells me he has never told her he is in a serious relationship with me.
I watched his reaction when i told him i answered the call from the girl and I saw how bothered he was. He had to leave my house to take a walk. The calls stopped for a while but I am not sure what he had told her again for her to start communicating heavily with him again. Like the other perosn earlier, he may change for me but it will never stop. This kind of behavior makes me believe I will deal with for the rest of my life. Did I also add that this lady leaves outside the country which he frequently visits for his business.
At this point, I think I have done everything. I feel like he is making me insecured when I am really a very happy secured person. Since I cannot control him, I feel like I can only control what i do.
So I am holding my feet down on not getting close with him until May. If he ask I will tell him "I do not want to have sex until I am in an exclusive relationship". His efforts towards me and saving this relationship will determine how we go from here. I know I am taking a risk but If I lose him over not having sex and distancing myself then that tells me it wasn't meant to be. Count my losses and move on. Although I am scared how this will affect our relationship. He is a scorpio and I know sex is something he feeds on. He is a sexual being and I feel like I am about to take something huge away from our relationship that will make a ig impact. The impact may fall us apart or bring us closer. I just don't have an answer to this yet. Does this sound like I am being manipulative? This is not the impression I want to give during this process?
I need more men to tell us why this happens. Should women keep their options open as well. What good will it do for me if I start flirting with men and carrying on aa afair even if I consider it non-romantic? The story of our lives...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): Hi Wow i have the exact same situation except scroll onward to where i am 2yr 9mths down the line. I told him to cut contact with women and yes he finally did and we had 6 months of bliss just him and me where i felt special and wanted and number one. Guess where this is going? Well last week i found out he emailed one of those girls again out of the blue to ask her how she was and tell her , her photo looked nice. Picture how i felt? I dont know what to do now-i love him and like u id like to get married but hes commitment phobic. All his friends are married. I feel so hurt. I guess im saying to you that if hes like that-he'll never change for you. Maybe temporarily but not long term-so u must accept that as part of who he is. I agree with first poster-maybe hes not there in his head yet with you-like my guy apparently isnt with me. But equally maybe he just loves female attention.I think to myself at the moment..is it better to have a boyfrd whos flirty and talks to girls and does nothing as oppose to a boyfriend whos quiet and then cheats on you? Sorry i dont have the answer to that question.. But good luck and ill be following this link closely to find out what others think! Hope u at least know now you are not alone so other women out there have the same issue and dont know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): I sort of understand where you are probably coming from and am in the same age bracket as you except have been in a relationship for several years. My partner did not keep in contact with a lot of other girls but did 'look' at one for several months which I found unacceptable. He hasnt done it again but it still bothers me years later that he did it at all.
I think women are prepared to happily give up everything to have the relationship of their dreams and men are more cautious and will often do it over a period of time which is very annoying and upsetting to most women. It sounds like he is trying to grow up but that it is more slowly than you would like.
I am currently awaiting the romantic proposal I was hoping for but never got, (I got a proposal but an unromantic one) and I know years later it is still bothering me that he could not simply do something that I would appreciate - and it doesnt even involve a ring or cost anything.
My point is that I do understand in hindsight that things do not change if the fundamentals were never there to start with. They can progress and you can probably have a deeper relationship with your man, but it may not be at the pace that you would like.
It is a good sign that he stopped seeing the other women, but he should not be hanging on to one if it bothers you, end of story. If he does not 'get rid' of her ie: stop communcation as you are expecting, then you will only feel second best for your relationship.
Make it clear that in a relationship you are prepared to sacrifice everything to be a great partner as that is the best way to do things and that you feel a wife/partner should be honoured and put first. (It even says this in the bible by the way).
Good luck hope this makes sense.
He may have the idea that he does not want to 'hurt' this 'friend' but if it bothers you then you need to listen to your instincts, you do not sound like an unreasonable or unreasonably jealous person. And simply saying you don't like it should be enough.
Perhaps give him a little time to adjust to the idea of making these changes but be firm and stand your ground and see what happens.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 To be quite logical (and absolutely nothing against you) he is unconsciously keeping his options open probably because of the distance issue. LDRs rarely work out among others and also amongst myself. Personally, I think theyre a waste of time. However, I see that you are taking steps to improve your part of the relationship by reading and talking to this guy about your feelings which are important. Yes, withhold sex. Its clear he has a problem with the committment. Mmm arguably insecure. Its normal to worry about other girls and their statuses with your BF however I only see that emotion as relevant and valid if you two are not in an LDR. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI meant to say I am in a LDR of 11/2 yrs guys. Please keep the comments coming. This is a do or die situation for me.
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