A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:There's a part of me that's just shaking my head at the fact that I'm posting a question like this. I am very, very aware of the whole wishful thinking element involved. By the same token, I'm also aware of the fact that people that I click with are few and far between. So with that as a preface...Three years ago I met a man via an online personals ad. He lives in a different country than I do, travels frequently for work, and was in my city on business. We spent a few evenings together having drinks and getting to know each other and slept together the night before he returned back home.In all honesty I never expected to hear from him again. I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and wanted to explore dating and he seemed very much like a fly by night playboy.Fast forward three years and he's still very much a part of my life. Our relationship has been based predominately on online chats (a combination of IM and video). We chat about 8-10 hours a week total, almost always at least once a week - sometimes more and occasionally less.In these three years we've seen each other another two times. On both occasions I was very much in tune to the possibility that who he was online was just some sort of mirage constructed out of my own fantasies and neediness, but no. The conversations we have in person really are indistinguishable from those we have online.Our conversations run the gamut. Sometimes they're very sexual. Sometimes they're personal. We talk about everything that friends and lovers talk about - from the banal "what did you do today" to more deeper issues that get to who we are as people.After about six months of knowing each other he told me he had a girlfriend. I've also known right from the start that he sleeps around quite a bit when he's traveling (he's home about 12 days out of 30... you can do the math when it comes to the notches on his belt). I developed romantic feelings for him a long time ago and I have no idea what his feelings towards me are. We talked around the subject about a year or so ago and it boiled down to him saying "I've given you all I can and I can't give you anything more."I've reached some sort of internal tipping point, though, and I'm not sure what to do next. I'm sick to death of feeling like I'm in love with someone an ocean away, but I'm loathe to do anything to damage what has become a very important friendship in my life.The clearest option I think would be to talk to him about it, but that runs the risk of damaging our friendship. I've thought about finagling some things at work so I have an excuse to be in his home town for a few weeks (which would actually be professionally legitimate), but I don't want to be the other woman. It's a sort of "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" phenomenon. If he's cheating on his girlfriend while he's away, that's his thing. If he's doing it at home, I feel some greater sense of culpability. Or I can simply let things continue as they have, which is insanely unsatisfying to me.I apologize for how long this is and thank anyone and everyone who's managed to wade through it all. At the end of the day, my question is probably pretty simple: what do I do now that I want more but don't want to risk rejection or losing a good friend?
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female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (31 December 2009):
 I know your feelings as I experienced the same with an online affair for 4 yrs and recently just a month ago, I ended up our relationship as I feel it is very hurting. He could not give more to what he can just give and he is married and worse a womanizer in net. I tried to understand everything about him and tried even to love his imperfections but it will never be a harmonious relationship because of his limitations.Move on with your life, don't look back. It may not be easy to let go but it is the best thing to do. Right now, am still on the stage wherein I feel loneliness but I am doing my best to pluck him out of my mind for me to move on, it is difficult but I need to be strong and you need to be strong and think of what is best for you. Just strengthen yourself, leave your comfort zone, you will feel excruciating pain with him if you will stay. Choose to lose him rather than you lose yourself...it was so true with me. MOVE ON and LET GO.GOODLUCK TO YOU
A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (30 December 2009):
 It sounds to me that he has been totally upfront with you. He enjoys your company, He likes who you are, but he cannot and will not give you anymore than he already has.
You deserve more than what he can give you, no matter how exciting the conversations and meetings are! He can't give you the life you need and want. You may be able to remain friends as you get on with your life, but let him know that's what you intend to do. If he truly is a good friend he will understand and be supportive! I know, because I once had a friend like that!
Good Luck!
~BG~
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