A
female
age
36-40,
*yreFlie
writes:I have to start from the beginning so its understandable.. (prepare for a long one...)It starts with my ex "James", We had an okay relationship. It seems okay now, mainly because we are over everything that happened and can laugh about it. We broke up because of our fighting, our fighting that started because of Porn. "James" did not have a computer, I did. Once he discovered porn, i found him coming over to my house to use my computer more than anything. Mind you this was a young relationship. We were 14-18. We dated 4 years. Anyhow I didnt mind at first, it wasnt a big deal. I had watched it, ive known all about it. I was born in the 80s everyones dad had a massive porn collection that all the kids found (or atleast in my circle of aquaintances) SO i didnt mind. But "James" and i were Sexually active and i found that more and more he was talking about porn, and wishing i could BE like that, or Look like that, or do those things, and have those boobs, and so on and so on. So obviously i developed a problem with it. It god to the point where i was ruining computer parts because i would yank them completely from the system and smash them, or just throw them out the window. The fighting was so intense and inevitably became physical. Luck, hit me right in the face that year, because his mother bought him his very own computer for christmas. So within a month or so his computer was so bogged down from all the porn, and thats when he started coming around again. I had to child lock everything on my omputer to keep him from it.. but that didnt stop him. I tried to cope with it, deal with it in my own way, but i couldnt get it out of my mind. I tried going along with it, just turning my back to it and leaving it at that. But the nagging was constant why i cant be what they are and do what they do. ... So being a teenage girl with barely a sliver of self confidence i TRIED to be like them. i laid in the sun and tanned every day of the summer, i would go without eating until i was sick.. and i did what he wanted me to sexually, and during that, i would hide my face and cry. But i didnt want to disappoint him anymore than i apparently already had. So it went on until i couldnt stand it anymore. i had done things to myself that today i cant believe, i took so many pills i was like paralyzed on my floor only able to think about what was wrong with MEWe broke up, and cut off all contact. I was single for a while. Then i found "Ryan" a polar opposite of "James". We talked for a long time, and i am an open book. i dont keep much from anyone. So once we were getting close i poured my heart out about what happened between "James" and I. He told me that as with any guy, he had watched it from time to time, but when went on with us was outrageous. I put myself on the line for him to think i was completely whacked out. But he accepted me and my situation. He promised PROMISED me that he would never treat me that way, and that he would never let something so unimportant come between us.."Ryan" and i started a relationship, and i could not be happier. I was set forever. Everyday was sunny in my eyes and nothing could change that. Then about 8 months into my relationship with "Ryan", "James" contacts me. I wait two days and i finally message him back. I did not tell "Ryan" because i was not sure how he would assess the situation seeing how "James" and I were in such a strong (and weak in more ways) relationship. So when i decided to messages "James" back, i knew that i was over him, fully and completely. If i was not, i wouldnt jepordize what i had with "Ryan" by answering. But i did. "James" and I talked for a few days and he wanted to see me... This is where things just go crazy:I was going out to Walmart, and i told him i would be there, if he wanted to see me. He showed up. We caught up with how we had each been, very simply, no problems. No cheating, nothing unacceptable. It was about a half hour. We hugged goodbye and went our own ways and i went home.I loved loved loved "Ryan" and i knew that his ex had cheated on him with someone she knew and i didnt want him to automatically think that i cheated on him because i hung out with my most serious ex boyfriend. So i didnt tell him *Even though i could almost barely look him in the face, i felt like shit*So the next day i weigh it with my friends, They all start telling me he is going to break up with me. Whether they were kidding or not i was paranoid. i ask my parents they say they dont know. Co workers tell me im getting kicked out ( i live with "Ryan") ... Its been two weeks MAX that we started talking and hung out IN PUBLIC .. but i opt to keep it a secret because i am scared to death that the best thing thats ever happened to me is going to make me leave.So one night at "Ryans" he has a friend over and we are outside relaxing having drinks and im getting txts from my friend "jeff" txts. simple. but Ryans friend demanded to know why i was disrespecting my boyfriend by testing another guy....? "Jeff" is my best friend. He has been since before i knew "Ryan" existed. So that was none of his business. But since "Ryan" hates "Jeff" he did not defend me. Ryans friend had me in tears because of my friendship that was not his issue in the first place. Once he left "Ryan" and i argued, and once it was over we were laying together, and i decided that now was a better time than any to come clean. And i told him. "James" had messaged me and i had met with him. He asked how long i had talked to him, and who knew. And how long wasnt the issue. It was that everyone i talk to knew. and no one had informed him.He told me things were going to be different, and boy oh boy he couldnt be more right. I told "James" i couldnt talk to him anymore because of the situation, and i didnt want it bringing anymore tension to the relationship between "Ryan" and I. and he understood."James" didnt try to get back with me, or try anything with me based on our past. He was very respectful. And in being so i thought it wouldnt be harmful if i talked to him occasionally. I knew for sure that i had zero feelings for him. and i even met him in public so that it could be as casual as possible. Well, in the passing days and weeks "Ryan" was becoming more and more distanced. I understood why he was upset and just workekd on staying close to get passed the face that i was hiding something from the guy that i wanted to be with forever...But everything stopped over time.. the touching, the affection, the talking, the sex, the "i love yous"...A few weeks later, "jeff" is trying to convince me that "Ryan" has turned to porn. I defend "ryan" all that way, because no. thats not him. he promised. So on our anniversary which happened to be my day off after i was done paying my bills online, my mind took over and i went into search mode. I used to always do it with "James" i knew exactly where to look and what to look for, and when it took over, i was startled because i was telling myself he couldnt do that to me, but apparently my heart was telling me otherwise. So i look. and today i cant even describe the feeling... but there it was. The person i saw forever with had lied to me completely. To this day its left me dead inside, but thats not all...I tell "Jeff" he was right, of course being a guy, its funny to him. So i leave "Ryan" a death wish, for him of course and i do what everyone in my family does- start drinking. so by the time "Ryan" gets home, im drunk 100% Which is something i never do. So i pick a fight with "Ryan" about nothing and when he goes inside, i leave. I walked and walked and it didnt get any better. He started texting me about where i had gone and why, and i told him about the love note that i left him on his precious sex box. id think he understood instantly. But who knows, You would think he would apologize.. atleast i would. But no. He blames me.. its MY fault. i made him do it because i was talking to "James". It was okay for him "to watch people he doesnt know have sex" because "i hung out with someone i had sex with" ?? I never wanted to go back. but because i opted to drink myself to further misery i didnt plan ahead and bring my things. So i walked or hours and hours and when i came home my mom had been calling and calling because he had called her to see if she knew anything, without of course giving away WHY i had left in the first place. When i came home, still no apology for crushing my spirit and making me feel like a worthless piece of shit all over again. Days go by. i write him a letter pouring my heart out about what had happened and why i was upset and how things between us were likely to change for the worse. That i would clam up and turn cold until the relationship shattered just like it did with "James".I got no response.A few weeks later he has his new internet ready phone that he got RIGHT after i had told him about "james" .. and tells me to check the weather, which i do.. and what do i find?? .. more porn. After we already had a blow out. i went inside and threw up. and cried. And called "James". i was not going to ruin what developed into a nice friendship for someone who couldnt even apologize for stomping on my soul. I made a date to have lunch with him on my very next day off. The day with "Ryan" was very sour. He acted like he didnt know i saw it. even though i left it open on his phone when i dropped it on the ground. I had my lunch with "James" ad still talk to him to this day. "Ryan" has accepted my relationship with "James" and now says sorry for doing what he did... but it took him 6 months and a total breakdown from me to get the word sorry to slip from his lips for the first time. But its too late..To this day, i struggle to even be with him. I know somewhere i love him, because i am deeply saddened when i thnk of what we had and how much i want it back. i cry when i think of what could have been with us. We were supposed to get married. We had that fairytale relationship that EVERYONE wants. Now, again, im part of the everyone that wants it. And i cant cope with it, because i HAD it. SO i know what im missing.. this August will be 2 years since i found out. And as promised i have turned cold and all but shut him out because i dont know what to do. He wont talk with me about it. I am a writer, not a talker when it comes to my emotions. and when i write to him i get no answers, and he treats it like a joke... I dont know what to do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (28 February 2010):
 Babes, you know what.. just drop the whole thing and learn how to forgive. Ryan dosen't like porn, him and James are friends, everything is sorted now, it's only you that still feels you should be unhappy and hold grudges..
Life is way too short to be unhappy for too long...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Just because Ryan has been cheated on, does not justify the fact that he should drag his old relationship into this one
and yet you drug the whole porn issue up and into this relationship ...in your own words.."It starts with my ex "James", ......
i dont know what you came on here expecting and just for the record, i couldnt care less about porn. i dont particularly like it and neither does my guy...so im not taking up for porn...i just think that you have caused a lot of this drama yourself and you will not accept any of the blame. you have now held a grudge for over 2 years and its all his fault.
if you cant forgive the guy please move on. and dont take your exes into the next relationship. guys have a way of forgiving and moving on and becoming buddies and you will be left out yet again. we girls should take a lesson from them. mal
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A
female
reader, FyreFlie +, writes (28 February 2010):
FyreFlie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis is getting more and more difficult here. im not trying to say everyone else is wrong and im the only right one.
Like i said before, its hard for anyone to FULLY understand the situation if they arent involved themselves.
I feel like im being beaten down here. Im NOT looking for sympathy, or anything really... i just wanted to post it.. so that i feel like i can open up about it.
It seems that everyone thinks that what i did was so terribly wrong.. I met with an ex that i had NO feelings left for. I didnt see him to mess around, i didnt see him to talk about being together. I saw him just because i figured we had grown up and gotten past the life we had and could be friends.
Honesty is the best policy?? i think not. Ryan never knew that i was talking to James, and James and I werent meeting in secret like everyday or any crazy stuff like that. I saw him a hand ful of times in a month or so.
Ryan was never the wiser, and since i didnt have cruel intentions through out the entire james situation i dont see the issue
Just because Ryan has been cheated on, does not justify the fact that he should drag his old relationship into this one. All the guys i have ever dated, besides James and Ryan have cheated on me. And never once have i not trusted them because of my past.
Same goes for this ENTIRE situation... before ryan and i had gotten together, he has mentioned porn a few times, and i was worried about it, but i didnt go ballistic. What he did BEFORE me is none of my business.. none of my business what so ever...
blagh, i dont know.
I know how things are with us, and thats what matters.
Ryan said he only did it to get back at me, because he let his ex cheat on him over and over and over.. and thats what pisses me off.. She cheats and cheats until the point where she gets knocked up by some dude a few towns over.. and i come clean about my situation where nothing more than a HUG occured physically.. and im here beaten down and no one understands why im mad.
In the end its not the porn.. its the promise he broke, the way he broke it, and the fact that he couldnt come to me first. He took matters into his own hands.. he assumed, and drug his past into our present and screwed things up because he didnt want to be a man and talk about it
and he made sure to get to me in the worst way he could, by dragging MY past into the equation as well.
He trusts me. I have hung out with James since then, and Ryan knows.. and thats another thing... NOW he is okay with him, like i said their buddies now... do no one find this to be a little odd?!?!?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): 3 wrongs here but the only one that you have any control over is the ones you committed. and as far as the relationship with you and ryan, i think it is your job to fix it, and to forgive. miamine has some good insight on this one i think. its up to the lady in the mirror. good luck honey, mal
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2010):
He's gained a new friend!!!!
Sure, I'm sure he can cuddle up with James then, and it's alright that you destroyed his trust in ALL women. I'm sure that his friendship with men will make up for the fact that you lied and saw an ex when you KNEW how much it would hurt him.
You don't seem to care about other people. You can't seem to see your actions have consequences that bloody hurt. All you care about is that your feelings are hurt. Well if you bloody done the right thing in the first place, none of this would have happened. Your brought this hurt about because of your own actions. When are you gonna wake up and realise that, and stop pretending that your right, and everyone else is wrong.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2010):
Can't you see how unfair your being.. He already had one relationship destroyed by cheating.. so you go and meet an ex, then you lie about it.
Again, your hurt, but then so is he. Who are you to decide how he should react about things? He's not you, for a start, he promised to never hurt you, and he would have stuck to his promise, if you didn't hurt him first.
Two wrongs don't make a right.. yep, I agree.. So I guess you'll start forgiving him them and trying to make him happy. You start forgiving first and don't stay angry and then maybe he'll change.
From what I can see, you already got a bigger problem. He's pulled away, and he doesn't trust you anymore. You feel hurt.. well, lady, take care of your business.. If you feel hurt and he feels hurt, and both of you are pulling away, this relationship doesn't sound like it's going anywhere, and you two should probably split.
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A
female
reader, FyreFlie +, writes (23 February 2010):
FyreFlie is verified as being by the original poster of the question"You hurt him, why the hell shouldn't he want to hurt you back. Why do you think your the only one hurt by this, can't you see your actions are much, much worse. You kept secrets, well, hell so did he. But who started first, who pulled away first? Lady, I think you have a lot of apologies to make to this Ryan guy."
Understood, im not trying to get people to point fingers as to who is and is not wrong.
But we are grown, and dont we learn all through life that two wrongs dont make a right?
I know all of you are outsiders and its hard looking in at something you cant completely grasp.
For instance, Ryan was angry about James. Yes. But HE was intense about the way he went about getting back at me. And i say that because - now, in this day. After HE is over being angry about it. He has met James, and his Girlfriend. And he LIKES them. They like alot of the same things, and in May theres an all weekend car show we go to, and Ryan asked ME to ask James if he was going. They play xbox together and all of that.
So yes, i did hide the truth, and yes it hurt his feelings AT THE TIME! But me? My feelings are still hurt, and i dont trust him, because he brought the issue back up. I never trusted James, and pieces of that still bother me, because i feel like now i cant trust Ryan. I pissed him off and now look, im still upset, and hes gained a new friend.
SO whats the deal?!
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2010):
"So i look. and today i cant even describe the feeling... but there it was. The person i saw forever with had lied to me completely. To this day its left me dead inside, but thats not all..."
Ryan is not addicted to pornography, he is not James.. However, he is very angry about the way you behaved... Read your own quote.. you went and saw your ex boyfriend, somebody you had a very intense relationship with. Ryan knew all about James, how you felt about him. Ryan had an ex girlfriend that cheated... so what do you do.. you go and see your old boyfriend, you say nothing about it to him, you keep it all secret.
You hurt him, why the hell shouldn't he want to hurt you back. Why do you think your the only one hurt by this, can't you see your actions are much, much worse. You kept secrets, well, hell so did he. But who started first, who pulled away first? Lady, I think you have a lot of apologies to make to this Ryan guy.
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A
female
reader, FyreFlie +, writes (20 February 2010):
FyreFlie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts hard to say why i met up with James. When we broke up and were dont for good we had talked very few times before i met Ryan. And they too were innocent and meaning nothing. I learned the hard way that James and i were better at being friends than dating because YES we were young and YES we were immature, so we didnt know how to make a grown up relationship work.
When he messaged me, i dont know i was curious to see how he was doing. I dont have feelings for him, and i dont understand your "fishy feelings"
James was the first person i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with, so there is a closeness that im okay with having. Now we are friends, he is someone i can talk to, and its just as odd to me as it is to any of you im sure. I was his first EVERYTHING.. maybe thats why he was so careless.
He has a new girlfriend for about the same amount of time that ive been with Ryan, and she and i are civil as well. Its an innocent relationship between the two of us and both of our Significant others have come to accept. We knew everything about each other and never knew until now how to communicate maturely.
As for why i didnt tell Ryan. .. Simply Because i was scared to.
Ryan and i got to know each other very quickly. He knows me, i talk to alot of people. I have alot of guy friends. By no means does that make me a skank, i have girl friends as well. and in the beginning of the Relationship with Ryan he was A O K with all the guys that i talked to, but as time when on he was trying to cut ties for his own reasons. "Hes a scumbag", "He just wants to sleep with you", ect ect.
I was offended! I would never tell him who he can and can not be friends with, i also wont degrade his friends simply because he doesnt like who he thinks they are. He likes none of my girl friends because they all have children by multiple guys.
back to point: As he started to slim down the people i "should nad shouldnt" be talking to of course he directly listed James. Which at the time we werent talking at all.
When i realized that Ryan would be the one for me i told him "Even if James walked back into my life, I know now that you are the onefor me" ... and to ME that was my way of telling him that i was over James for good. Because when i left him i was always ALWAYS afraid that i would run right back to him, even though he hurt me... because i was so attached to him... Maybe the choice of words wasnt good??
Im not sure. but AFTER James had messaged me, i toyed with the idea of telling him and made a small mention of it, and he wasnt like enraged, but he angrily said that if he found out, i was out. gone. no questions asked. ... SO i was scared. I didnt want to go. i loved this guy, why would i want to tell him and get kicked out??
But then he would tell me that as long as i didnt cheat it didnt matter, because thats all he DIDNT want me to do, because his X did and that was the end of that.. so he was sending mixed signals. so i did what i wanted to. Knowing that *I* had control of the situation. No strings attached. I wasnt going to throw my life away for James.
And its not that im blaming porn outright. Because like i said at the beginning.. i know what it is, ive seen it, ive watched the movies.. i didnt care. my first boyfriend had naked pictures COVERING his room. and it didnt phase me. Because he made it known that I was what mattered. It didnt become a problem for me until James started comparing me to something i cant be without thousands of dollars of alterations that i dont care to have. He curved my view for the worse.
Personally i dont have a problem with pornography. i have a problem with the thought that Ryan now thinks the same things that James thought, but just doesnt want to voice them
Ryan told me in the beginning that he watched it, and it made me nervous. there were pictures on his computer of half to fully naked girls, but atleast im decent in the manner that Anything before me doesnt matter.
My issue was that he told me, he promised that he wouldnt use it to hurt me the way James did. Its more to me like he broke a promise that was very very important to me, and porn was just involved...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): wow what a long post...but i did read the whole thing and i think you are confused about what the problem is really. im neither an advocate nor a basher of porn. truthfully i dont think porn is the issue here. i think you could substitute anything and the root is problem would be unchanged. for instance lets say you told ryan that you hated snakes. you were afraid of them, they creep you out and that james used them to scare you. because of that you have a real issue about snakes. then when ryan gets upset, the thing he does is go out and get a snake and bring it home. put it in an aquarium where you cant help but see it.
ok i know that porn and snakes are not the same. but the heart of the matter is. your boyfriend did the one thing he knew would hurt you... i find that immature to say the least. i think there is a mean vindictive streak there. on the other hand let me say...you were totally in the wrong to meet up with the ex on the sly. you were asking for trouble. after everything you had said about him to ryan and all the anguishing you have done over it with him .... he had every right to be upset. and now for you to be on friendly terms with james but not with ryan is just very puzzling to me. i think the problem is that you still have feelings for james and they supercede your feelings for ryan. therefore you are wanting to now justify james and crucify ryan. think about that....good luck honey, mal
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): Those two guys (James and Ryan) are scumbags who have BOTH toyed with your emotions, your trust and your self esteem. I know Ryan seemed perfect but he was lying to you the entire time. I don't know how it's possible for ANYONE to get past that. I have been in a similar situation and hon it doesn't get better. I made the mistake of toughing it out for SIX YEARS with a guy who lied to me REPEATEDLY about LOTS of things- including porn, but lots of other things also. I broke up with him a few months ago and it still is painful to think of how perfect we were before he lied to me and I lost my ability to trust him or feel comfortable with him. I lost my sexual attraction to him but would have sex with him anyway in an attempt to keep the relationship alive and salvage what had seemed like such a perfect union (a fairytale like yours).
It sounds like Ryan found out about James and you talking and decided to go straight for the heart- he did the thing that he KNEW would cause you the MOST PAIN possible. That is so fucked up, girl, and you have to recognize that a person who goes straight for the heart is not good for you.
My boyfriend once told me, during a fight, that he watched porn before because he didn't think I was attractive enough and wanted to see what else was out there. He knew it would hurt me the most because I had opened up to him previously about some past struggles I had. Men like Ryan and my ex seem perfect at first but will use any ammo they have to cut you deep when you get into a fight.
Eventually I asked myself some simple questions
1. Does this relationship enhance or damage my life?
2. Do I feel happy more often than I feel sad when I am with him?
3. What do I want to get out of life?
The answer to 1. was, unfortunately, damaging. He had broken my heart and damaged my self esteem and my trust. The answer to 2. was sad, because even when we were together and getting along, all of his lies were in the back of my head tainting everything. And the answer to 3. was amazing to me, because I'd never stopped to ask myself. And the answers were things like, travel to Paris, become successful in my field, have my own place, learn to tango, etc, etc- stuff like that. I realized that I could have so much joy and so many new experiences AWAY from my boyfriend. He wasn't essential to my life, he was dragging me down. So I found the courage to end it. And though I haven't been to Paris yet, or learned to dance, I am feeling a lot lighter and more relaxed since I ended it.
I apologise for the length but I see so much of myself in your situation and want to encourage you to assess whether this man is helping you or dragging you down.
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