A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:What to do when counselling has been a COMPLETE waste of time and money?First I lost my job and then found out I was pregnant. Several things went wrong. In laws COMPLETELY interfered. Pushed us into keeping her, WITHOUT caring about my own feelings at all. My mother in law ALWAYS mocks us and minmises about how easy it is to be struggling financially and studying with a toddler. Yet she has NEVER struggled AT ALL! She and my sister in law COMPLETELY IGNORED everything I wanted for my wedding.My sister in law lied about me, alleging I was verbally abusing her. So we get kicked out. I have been trying to get a part time job for 2 YEARS.My sister in law verbally abuses me, yet my in laws don't care. But god forbid if you say anything about their spoilt, lying daughter!We are really struggling financially. Yet my sister in law CRIES POOR because she can afford a holiday OVERSEAS AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR. Have tried therapy and got put around and around in circles. And it was rubbish. Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2015): HiyaYou sound angry because just maybe somewhere 'along'the line you actually have been mistreated,and unfortunately because you are feeling resentful this is what shows. You could actually have a very low self esteem, so to compensate for this you 'shout' to be heard,and yes of course you should 'run your own life, wedding choices' people take advantage of people when they are down, have you been checked for depression or post natal depression? I 'do not' see a selfish woman here, but a woman who needs to start liking herself and then maybe she will like other people more or at least stand up for her self. When the next person tries to pull you down or control your life,try and put a big smile on your face and 'think'about the choices you can make to be happy.Work, part time, 2 years, i don't buy this one however why not rethink your entire future and get to a special place hopefully with your family inlaws and outlaws. you are only young and can make a real positive change, why not get a good education and reach for the sky, become anything you desire. Soon all the petty talk will not fit into your mind, and words won't penetrate you quite as much because you will be somewhere better in your self. Can i suggest the art's as a therapeutic tool to help you personally, dance classes, music, painting they help you relax from the turmoil.I am qualified in the expressive arts as therapy, and a teacher within the health and education sectors. If you can not find a center that does this for free, then do it yourself, these therapies are accessible and free to everyone.Dance is a great expressive tool and helps build self esteem you could look on the internet for contemporary dance jams, or find a professional dance therapist, words are not always enough.I Wish you well and want you to transform yourself into the beautiful person you are, underneath all this petty junk.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): "I've applied for hundreds of crappy jobs".... Yes, but nobody will hire you whilst you have an attitude like that - you may think you hide it, but you don't. Employers will know who wants the job and who doesn't - you don't, therefore, you don't get employed.
I'm not going to shout it in Caps, but seriously, why do you avoid all mention of your husband?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): you really dont need therapy if its just a question of your mother in law getting on your nerves.Sadly you dont get to check the mil out before you meet the bf or many relationships wouldnt happen..but you could distance yourself from her a bit.you and your boyfriend must be able to do things without her sometimes and i am ver happy ti hear you love your daughter very much.you could quit spending on therapy and save up for a lovely family holiday ,just you and your daughter and your man and take photos of your happy time together.or read books about how to handle a mother in law.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): Try looking up narcissism.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism
The world, believe or not, does NOT just revolve around you. What's missing in your post is ANY sense of empathy at all and the idea that others are here only to assist you. That and complete and utter narcissistic rage that the world and people are not falling into place as you would like them to.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (21 August 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIve applied for HuNDREDS of CRAPPY jobs these past 2 years. Ive realky been trying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2015): You still haven't said anything about your husband, his job, his thoughts and you're also continuing to blame others.
I know it's hard to let go of the past, but that's what all of this is now and you're only hurting yourself and your daughter by dragging it all along with you.
You have to help yourself. Give up studying for a year, if you have to. Figure out why nobody will hire you and change it so that you can get a job.
You're capable, but you won't let yourself be.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (20 August 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe I'm quite insulted someone would think I haven't been trying counselling. I've been trying the last two years! Pregnancy crisis counseling was a disaster- got sent around and around in circles, with little help. I'm VERY ANGRY about that.Then I was in hospital months for post natal depression. But they did little to help me with the interfering in laws. My MIL threatened suicide if she didn't get her way. As always she plays MARTYR like a lot of judgmental people.I love my daughter very much. But I'm sick and tried of spending time and money and getting no help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2015): Counsellors can only work with someone who has an attitude of wanting to work with them in as mature a way as possible.Reading your post you sound far, far younger than your years and rather immature. To be frank - and I say this as a mature woman with a daughter a bit older than you and who has had counselling and REALLY struggled to bring up my daughter with NO help from anyone, financial or otherwise - you seem hell bent on blaming everyone and anyone else and very reluctant to genuinely reflect upon and take responsibility for your own behaviour.No one forced you to get pregnant. And although I understand that we can make the wrong life decisions when younger, often through lack of guidance and complete naivety, when you decide to have a child you also have to accept it is going to be very, very hard for at least the first few years. You haven't accepted this. If you had, you would be getting on with the hard grit and grind of parenthood. You may well be depressed doing so, but you'd be doing it. Instead, you just keep lashing out, including at counsellors, because you haven't accepted your responsibilities inside yourself. Until you do that, absolutely nothing will change.Yes, it's extremely hard to get a part time job to fit around bringing up a child. I know the reality of that. I know what it is to have to work full time, horrible jobs for horrible people because NO-ONE will help. I carried that 'can' for a very long time and all the ridiculous judgements and assumptions that people made about me and my daughter - ie. that we'd be given a free house in this country, that we'd be getting maintenance payments from her father, that my family would be helping me . None of it was true. When I finally saved up and bought my own property to escape private landlords and having pretty much gone without any life in my 20's and 30's, people assumed I'd inherited. Nope, never inherited anything either. The reality of parenthood can suck majorly, due to the lack of support you get. But we could all complain about this until kingdom come. Your ATTITUDE needs to change, otherwise nothing else will.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2015): i am very sorry to hear you are struggling like this and i would like to help you to reprioritize your life.Firstly i think that you are letting your anger and annoyance affect your relationship with your daughter and this should be something you need to think about.Reclaim the right to be the loving caring mother of your child as these young years dont last long and you appear to be trying to fulfill all niches for all people. You alone decided to have the baby. The inlaws may have been super keen for a granchild and you may have been surprised at the speed and progression of the pregnancy and uncertain as to your future capabilities at being a good mother when you had limited financial means, but you made the choice to keep this beautiful baby and to love and care for her so make sure you acknowledge tbis to yourself.You sound as though you are feeling totally undermined by the inlaw family and this must be extraordinarily difficult for you. Now is the time to think of branching out into a better life for yourself.You dont feel you can trust your inlaws and i dont blame you because you are outnumbered.Read any kind of self help book you can find ,but prioritise the time you spend with your daughter.Noone ever clicked their fingers and had it all work out because that is a myth and a lie and you do not have to proove yourself to be a perfect mother, just a reasonable mother who loves and cares for her little one.Dont give your daughter away,but look after her as best you can.Stop getting at yourself over the job issue..maybe you are doing the best you can,maybe whenyou are less upset you willfindthe rightniche for you.Meanwhile the babys father, your partner,must support you and the child.So take a deep breath and build your future slowly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2015): Ever considered adoption or foster care? I've seen many of your posts about this and your daughter will grow up feeling unloved and unwanted unless you change that. What's best for her?As for the in-laws (parents and sister), ignore them. They don't owe you anything and you don't owe them anything. You're struggling, so you need to sacrifice whatever needs to be sacrificed until you can afford to do it again.Your daughter comes first, not studying, so if that needs to temporarily be put on hold, then you've got to do it and get a full time job.Your husband, what does he do? What does he think of all of this?There must be a consistent reason why you haven't been able to get a job in two years. How you come across? Your time schedule? Limited list of jobs you apply for? Not applying once or more weekly? Not getting out there? Not being on time? There's something you're doing (or not doing enough of) that's making it incredibly difficult for anyone to hire you.Right now, you blame your in-laws for every problem you have, but you need to stop because they may have bullied you into things, but you were still a grown woman at the time and ultimately chose for yourself. So, stop blaming them, focus on how you can make it better for your little family - *without* complaining about the in-laws or expecting them to help you.
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