A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am starting a business and I am the only person other than my husband trying to help me as an unpaid manager.He is a manager where he works and a good one at that.But, when it comes to my business he will suggest things such as taking an expensive class, which I did (bad move on my part) on his suggestion and I am still paying for that a year later. Then if I complain, he will turn around and say, Well, you were the one that decided to take the class.Then I had an opportunity to showcase my talents, I was approached during this situation and my husband was there, and he said to the person yes she will do it before I had a chance to say a word. Later he says that my work needs to be shown in the best possible way for this and that I need to showcase it using a top notch supplier that can do this for me. I realize this is a big opportunity for me, but, I, again, have to shell out a lot of money for this event. He is helping in the costs somewhat to this, but I am picking up a lot of the other expenses. Now, much to my chagrin, and after my friends really had to talk me into it because I was against it, I am holding an online fundraiser for the supplies I need to get the expenses down. I am embarrassed to ask for help from family, friends and the community. I fear they will be thinking, well she should go get a job to pay for this or why didn't she use a more low cost supplier and her husband makes all right money and why didn't she plan better. So far, no one has donated and I don't blame them and I totally understand with the economy being in the tank. I'll suck it up and pay if no one donates.Then I resent my husband for putting me in this position to even have to think about a fundraiser to begin with.Then I feel we are both to blame really.Huge expensive lessons learned here.This is a second marriage for us both. We have been together 4 years. We keep our finances separate what with family matters and all and he has adult children from another marriage.I'm not made of gold and rolling in the dough, but I wanted to take baby steps on this business and build it slowly and conservatively before I plunge so much money into it.So, after these lessons, I am ignoring his advice. It's my money being spent in a big way and I think his business advice is off target. What I can't fathom is he is a numbers guy and deals with that all day with accounting and is excellent at what he does yet his suggestions to me are so off base.He says all he wants to do is see me be happy and to succeed at what I do and that when opportunities such as this event come about that I need to seize them and broaden my exposure to the public. Sigh
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male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 Hi OP Thanks for the follow up. It would be a good idea in future not to have your husband with you in situations where he might push you to the side and say "Oh yes Dorothy would really like a colour photocopier on a £1000 a month contract!" or put your name down for things which can cost you money. I know its difficult explaining to him that he is costing you money, and he probably doesn't get it, but it will be even more difficult if your business folds. You hubby needs to see the bigger picture. All well and good agreeing to supplying products for an event which may bring in a few pounds/dollars profit, but it is no good if that takes up all of your time and you loose the chance to sell far more through other means. "Creative" businesses are always hard. I would go with the fundraiser if you have already paid for it. Don't let pride get in the way of clawing back lost money. You shouldn't be afraid to ask for help, as long as its sensible and not exploiting someone. Too many peoples businesses go under because they were too proud to seek help OR because they are too reliant on others. There's a happy medium. Best of luck with your business.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): The OP responding.Thank you for taking the time to tell me your valuable experiences.I am in the creative field too. The cost of this event that my husband said yes to, PLUS the many months I had to devote to producing the products for it did not allow me ANY time to do products for an online store that I wanted to start and also to market my current business to get customers. I was boiling inside from this decision that he made without discussing it with me first. I don't care about events...as a business I want to make money, not spend it in this way unless I have the money to do so.I am still very uncomfortable about the fundraiser. I had contacted the local newspaper to run an article about the fundraiser, but I am thinking of pulling it and taking the fundraiser down. It's only been a few days that the fundraiser has been up. I just don't feel it is right and that it is like begging for money. I will concoct some story that I got help at the last minute or got a benefactor and let it go at that.I'll eat the costs of the event, but FROM HERE ON OUT I will not allow myself to be talked into anything again.AND I have to start a new website which will cost almost a thousand dollars because my old web designer isn't hosting websites anymore. Money keeps going down the rabbit hole, but I have to starting plugging the holes in the dam.I will have to nicely tell my husband to butt out too and let me handle it MY WAY.This has been exasperating at best!Thank you again for sharing your stories. They were an eye opener. At least I don't feel so alone now and it's nice to know that others have gone through similar experiences.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2014): Your story is painfully familiar. 4 years ago we opened a business, high end jewelry. Listening to all "advisors" my husband went into spending spree.We sent cards to thousands households that costed us few thousands $ . That was a total waste of money. Only a handful of people showed up with this cards. We installed cameras in a store that was not even nesessary as our insurance doesn't take it into consideration. We then signed a contract with advertising company for 300$ a month for a whole year, spent 3600$ getting one customer out of it that ordered repair for 60$.Considering that we were just coming out of unemployment benefits, our daughter being in college and couple of natural disasters in our area, we were totally broke and these expenses appeared to be absolutely unnecessary. My advice will be to not listen to anyone your husband including. He wants to fly high, then he can do it when it comes to his money. Now no one can tell me how to invest into my business. I know exactly how much I can spend and what my business needs. After few years of struggling we are doing well now, and now moving into more prestigious neighborhood. There is no reason for you to be in debt. Don't listen to him, he is just an employee for a big company
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (8 May 2014):
Hi,Im sure your husband means well, but I think he needs to understand that his strengths clearly lie elsewhere. He is clearly keen for your business to take off big time and its great that he supports and encourages you as many husbands would not. BUT if he is costing you money or making poor decisions then that could cost you your business, your customers and a lot of profit. Making decisions about a business is fine when you are not directly involved with it. He is detached from it enough to think its easy to take risks, spend on courses or whatever, but he is not he one trying to balance the books. If he works for a big company for example he might be used to course costs being absorbed easily or extra expense being claimed back. Being a (I assume) smaller, newer business is very different. Plus a big corporation can more easily use creative accounting to balance the numbers.Its wonderful he wants you to succeed BUT he needs to be wary of trying to make your business run before it can walk. Most smaller, new business run at a loss before they make a profit, yet he is probably used to working in a company which is mature and profit making. I do a lot of photography. Its my love, my passion and my main hobby. People kindly tell me that I am a brilliant photographer and that I should start my own business. What I struggle to get people to understand is that setting up a photography business isn't just a case of being a great photographer, its also about being great with book keeping, finance, Tax returns, dealing with issues and complaints, dealing with customers and working to a brief. Taking pictures of subjects that interest ME, at my own pace, is one thing, but taking pictures to a brief of subjects I find boring or difficult AND dealing with customers who can give you the run around is quite another. I did do the odd photographic work a few years back. I did three weddings NEVER AGAIN!!! I got roped into it by my then GF who said "it is easy money!" The reality was 200 guests, emotions running high, bad weather, tantrums, an overly aggressive so and so trying to get into every pictures and me rapidly trying to work out who was who among the guests to ensure I got the right people in the shots. I took shots of a restaurant at my mothers request (my brothers GFs fathers establishment) and almost got my head kicked in when four gentlemen turned up to "persuade" the owner that a change of management was about to happen! At the risk of sounding like i'm over generalizing people, in my experience SOME people who are very, very good academically are sometimes not the best people to understand "real life" aspects of business. Ive worked with people who are super brilliant with maths, language, knowledge, history, etc and are very well read, yet they dress and act like they are stuck in a different world or time zone if that makes sense. One person I knew started a business after years of being in trouble, being evicted and so forth and is now thriving. He understands the struggles, the realities and so on. His previous life made him tough, realistic and determined. Another guy I knew started a company and was very academic and bright, studied at University and all of that, yet his hitherto life of living with middle class parents and background in academia and theory seemed to make him quite naïve to the ways of the world and he got led up the garden path too many times. We have a director at work who is incredibly bright and knowledgeable but really lacks social skills to the point of being quite difficult to work with. Its not uncommon for "numbers guys" to focus so much on facts and figures that they loose sight of the more ambiguous aspects of business. I work for a charity organisation that puts on musical gigs. We have a brilliant guy doing our finances who is super clever with numbers (My pet hate) yet he doesn't seem to appreciate that we are trying to make money from "Art". Its not like churning out toothbrushes. He will "advise" us on how to make more money without seeing the realities. We are a small organisation with mainly us volunteers doing the work. He wanted us to "go big" and try and compete with the bigger theatres and cinemas. They spend more in a day on advertising that we can in a year but this guy just doesn't get it!Sorry if I am rambling but I hope what I have put goes some way towards making you understand the problem with your husband. He is clearly a great guy, very proud of you and wants you and your business to thrive! But its your name on the door and your name, reputation and business that will thrive or die on the decisions YOU make. One of the best pieces of advice someone once gave me is don't employ friends or family if you have your own business. Inevitably, friends and family will either think "Julie's a great friend/sister/cousin she wont mind me having a morning off/ringing my Bf, etc" and your business suffers, or they get emotionally involved with helping you become "big" and try and make important decisions without the skills or experience to make the correct judgements. Another problem is that once a married couple are closely involved in a new business, especially in these tough times, work problems can become marriage problems. Plus if his advice leads to disaster, its YOU that is ultimately responsible, as its your business. This is not about fault or blame, its about taking responsibility and, as the person who owns and runs the business, ensure you don't get talked into anything you are not happy with. In any business the manager has to be able to make tough decisions. Whether that be firing someone, disciplining a member of staff, making redundancies, chasing late payments or telling a husband that his judgement is incorrect. Having seen that he is not to be trusted to make a sensible, rational decision you MUST keep your business and marriage separate. Talk to him, make your own choices and the best of luck to you and your company.Mark
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