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age
41-50,
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writes: Hi, i hope you guys can help me out. My wife of 5 years has broken my heart with her deciet, when we first started dating she new everything about me, how i wanted to marry a virgin woman with a good personality,kind at heart and honest. I told her from the beggining before it got serious that i was a virgin by faith and choice. She told to my face that she was also a virgin. Now the truth has surfaced she has slept with 20men, how did i find one of her FWB friends with benefits is a work collegue. She confessed everything to me, am beyond hurt. I dnt know if i can forgive her, has anyone being in my situation?
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female
reader, mima  +, writes (25 April 2011):
 Its me again. Why can't you forgive, since you already have a daughter? Think about the long run,what if you fall for a mistake later in life and you get denied a forgiving heart? What about your daughter, she'd be brought up in a broken home jumping from step mum's shoulders to step dad's car. She'll grow up thinking her parents are ??? And it will affect her, plus her leading a no full sibling life.But beside these, there's no way you should hurt yourself living in agony for the rest of your life and also punishing yourselves by living with her. She could get better treatment somewhere and so could youAm proud to say I was a virgin until I got married?But even if I wasn't, my husband wouldn't have thrown me out even if I had lied about it.You told us daughter's mentality for now. You decide either way but make sure the innocent girl gets the best in any situation.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): You can stay together for your daughter, but the toxic effects this has on your marriage will indirectly affect your daughter a lot anyway. You really need to think hard about staying with your wife or not.
If your wife refuses to see how what she did was wrong then forget the marriage working. Then she has no respect for you at the most basic level and I don't think you can build a decent relationship out of that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@mima i created this account a day ago am distrout aint thinking straight i have just noticed my gender is showing F il try and change it if i can find the option on the site. Back to my problem, it aint that easy just to forget and start a new, lyng about some thing like this no matter what her reasons where.she should have left that choice up to me. You think i wasnt tempted in my youth to have sex? I maybe religous but am blessed with good looks geting or attracting girls was not an issue even now.AND YES I WAS A VIRGIN when i married her.what she did was selfish and now if i leave her it wouldnt be fair on our daughter.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): She was in a no-win situation. So what? Why was she owed a "win" with this man after she did things that he did not agree with? Now it's his problem and pain for the rest of his marriage.
Of course some people say it's no harm done, the marriage worked fine. I can understand that logic. All you have to do is completely ignore the permanent emotional hurt that was inflicted on the husband and that idea makes perfect sense.
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (21 April 2011):
When you started dating, you put your wife in a no win situation. It was either she tell the truth and you dump her because she doesn't meet your requirements, or she can keep you but has to lie to you to do it. She must have liked you, or loved you, or had a sense that this relationship and connection she has with you could be the real thing, enough for her to choose to lie to you to not lose you. In a sense she was right, your relationship is the real deal, you ended up getting married. From this perspective, you can see how she wasn't left with any good options in her situation.
That doesn't mean that your wife was right to lie, it wasn't right of her, but you can't change the past now. Don't use your wife's mistake then as an excuse to make your own mistake now, by throwing away a good thing if that is what you have. I understand that many years ago, it was very important to you, that your wife to be was a virgin as you were, but ask yourself, does it have the same importance now, is it more important than your relationship, which is on the line? Is her sexual past before she knew you anything to base the outcome of your current relationship on? Was she entitled to be whoever she wanted to be before she knew you, and was it fair for her to live by standards that aren't the same as yours? Does any of this change the person she is now, and has been with you?
I know it was a really unfair thing for her to do, and you will have to deal with that, as well as the fact that she lied, and any trust issues you have with her. You will also have to come to terms that she isn't that person you put on a pedistal all those years ago, she has faults and makes mistakes, sometimes serious ones. Try to separate the past from the present so you can see what you really have now, and be able to decide whether or not that is worth keeping.
Good luck.
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female
reader, mima +, writes (21 April 2011):
Well, at 1st I thot u were a female (ur displayd gendr) talkn about ur wife. Strange! Did u use sm1 else's page or... Neva mind.
Lying is the most hurtful thing in d world. I wl say she made a huge mistake coz one can't lie to d whole world about virginity, sm1 definately knws the truth. But I am sure she did that to avoid losing u wich means she loves u n dnt want to be wthout u.
If she had slept wth 20 guys b4 she met u and neva thot of going on after u appeard into her life, then u shud be convinced of hw well she wants u.
Love is hard to find dnt let go of the 1 u hv 4 a silly past mistake.
R u sure u were a virgin too b4 marriage? Think abt it. U can easily put that bhind n pretend its gone unless if she is still doing it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): This is one of those life tests that you have to face. Its going to put your faith to the test - can you forgive, can you turn other cheek.... Now is the time where you really will have to walk the talk. Things happen for a reason. You can imagine just how much she must have loved you and wanted to be with you to lie about something like this. Its a big lie to tell - she must have really wanted to change her ways and be with you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): Show me someone saying "it shouldn't matter now" and I will show you someone who didn't stay a virgin until marriage themselves. Most people don't see the big deal because they didn't share the powerfulness of the belief in the first place. And they didn't live the life-shaping sacrifices that it demands. They have no business telling you how big of a deal this is nor if it should or shouldn't be important to you.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 April 2011):
 Wow that is a really big thing to lie about. You must be very hurt at the moment and nobody could blame you. My guess is she knew your views on what kind of woman that you wanted and am guessing she felt like she had to lie in order for you to want to be in a relationship with you, which is probably true as if you had knowing the truth I dont think you would have went on to marry her.
I think you need to sit down and talk to her and allow her to explain to you why she has lied to you. Try and talk to each other and sort this out. At the end of the day if she has been faithful to you during your marriage well then her past should not matter now. Dont look back look forward. Goodluck.
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