A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My (now ex) broke up with me a couple days ago. She had said something hurtful to me and then all hell broke loose. FYI, I am a lesbian.I had applied to two programs of completely different nature for the spring. My first choice I didn't get into, and my second choice I did. When I called my gf to celebrate with her, she made the comment "so you're just taking what you can get." I was so caught off guard and confused. It made me really defensive. I asked what exactly she meant by that statement. She of all people knew how much either program meant to me. So I thought she would be really happy for me. she could tell I was hurt and put off by her words. She said she didn't mean it how I took it. But how else can that possibly be taken? And even if she didn't mean it like it came across, it had still already hurt me a bit. So she then said she was going to avoid a fight and just hung up on me. She sent me a text a few minutes later telling me I took her the wrong way and that when I felt like not being so dramatic, to call her back. Nice.I took about thirty minutes to cool off because her actions had really angered me. I attempted to call but she ignored my attempts. She said she was with her family and couldn't talk. So I left her alone. Late that night she sent a string of text messages explaining how I just make her feel like she's in a middle east relationship - her mom is from there - and that I make her feel like she must shut her mouth and just try to please me. Apparently because when she made a tactless comment and it hurt my feelings, she derived this belief. I told her I was sorry she felt that way because I always treated her with love and respect. And left it at that. In NO way was her statement true. She was the one being quite over dramatic. All i did was have my feelings hurt.The next day, I attempted to call her. She didn't answer but called me back about an hour later. I tried with everything in me to be loving and just drop things. I told her I loved her and nothing was worth fighting over. Could we just drop it and get back to normal. She said she was over it, but yet kept acting bitchy and harsh and cold. I tried again to talk things out because clearly they were not okay, and she continued to refuse and be a brat to me. So finally she said she just wanted to go. So I got off the phone with her and gave her her space. She called me later that night, hours later, so I assumed she must be in a more calm state. I tried to make small talk and carry on a conversation with her and see if we could just drop it. She persisted to be an ass to me and still maintained that she felt she needed to just shut her mouth and be my bitch, basically. At this point I was getting really frustrated. All my efforts to talk and reason with her are being shot down and she keeps talking to me harshly and coldly. I asked her if we could just speak to each other calmly and try to get back to our normal selves and get past this. She said sarcastically, of course. Anything I wanted. Go figure. I wasted even more of my life attempting to communicate with her, only to have her be sarcastic and bitchy to me still. I was exasperated at this point but still remained calm. We got off the phone and I let her know how much I felt alone and frustrated always being the one trying to make things right and talk things out. She said she would whenever she was ready and felt like it. And if I didn't like it, I should just find someone else. that I always just push her to talk when she's not ready. However, how long does one need to stay mad at someone for in the first place? The longer she perpetuates our arguments, it is hurtful to me very much. And two, if you're upset and don't wish to talk, don't call me! I gave her her space earlier that day. She choose to call me back later. For what? To remind me she was still pissed? How does that help anyone? And what was she even mad about? The fact that SHE hurt MY feelings?? What?? So she broke up with me because I apparently try to communicate our problems when she just wants to stay mad and bitchy at me. She told me I need to find someone else. But i had tried to be patient and give her what she wanted. I tried to give her space. People can stay mad I suppose, but it's unfair to talk to your partner like shit in my opinion. And its abusive to make them wait to work things out cause I just have to sit there and take the abuse until she feels like being an adult. Am I in the wrong here? Someone please advise me. What the hell happened? I feel like somehow my feelings just got tossed aside and she made everything all about her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): So when did you guys or ladies sit down and talk in person. It sounds like you guys gals have issues and are trying to resolve them over the phone. If that is the case then no reason it's not working. Conflict resolution can't really truly happen over the phone. You never can tell visibly how genuine the person is. And sometimes it's best to just lay in silence or workout. If this is a long distance relationship then of course she may have felt hurt and neglected and this is how she displayed her loneliness. I think emotionally you two aren't compatible. Also you fail to mention how long you two dated, if you two live together or within the same city. It seems like she is lonely as hell and feels like you care not to notice bc you are so caught up with whatever your doing which has made her extra mad. She pick fights bc she has issues of her own. If u continue the fight she feels better but when she sees your white flag she gets upset all over again. She has issues n expects you to be psychic to figure her issue out. Let this acting Gemini go....She is too many people to deal with. Plus we here haven't enough information on the relationship.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (2 December 2013):
 I agree with what janniepeg is saying. However, I also think that you tried to be reasonable and talk things out. Which is what you're supposed to do in relationships. I do realize that some people take longer than others to get over things. You probably just like to drop things quicker than she does. Which is good for you. It's forgiving. However, realizing that your partner doesn't get over things like you do is important. But it sounds like you tried to give her her space. Which is what you should have done. And I do feel that when you need space and time, you shouldn't be rude and hurtful to your partner. It you need space, all you have to do is ask for it. It sounds like she was being intentionally hurtful. And you're right - what is the point of calling back just to act mad? Don't even call.
Stonewalling is exactly what I would call her behavior. Janniepeg nailed that on the head. However, stonewalling is an extremely unhealthy way of coping with conflict. Ideally, in a perfect relationship, two people can come to each other and talk about their problems and hurt feelings at any given time. And both would be receiving of each other. And when one person comes to the other yet the other turns away and refuses to interact, it's more than just frustrating. It's infuriating. You tried to do your part. And you tried to give her space to cool off. But she didn't do her part. She was dead set staying mad and therefore being hurtful to you. I think she has some growing up to do. And a big lesson in communication to learn.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 December 2013):
 She's like the man in the relationship and you, the woman. I mean the typical man who stone walls when things get heated and the woman getting more upset from being ignored. Some people are blunt and don't think about the effects it has on the other person.
You both need to come to the middle. She should accept this is how you are and she needs to be careful when she talks. I do feel you are sensitive. She needs to know that the fastest way to calm a situation down is to listen instead of running away. You need to lighten up and not think the worst in people. She doesn't like to deal with strong emotions as they overwhelm her.
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