A
male
age
36-40,
*rihonesty
writes:My girlfriend and I have been through a lot. We've been together for 2.5 years and we're both 20. Back in May we broke up (although she thinks we broke up in April) and we were apart for three weeks. After getting back together things were different. Prior to our breakup she was always more needy and insistent on making this relationship work. After we got back together she was no longer that person. The roles had switched. I was the one who had learned from my mistakes and she was the one who couldn't care less. I felt like it was all give give give and in the beginning I didn't mind because I owed it to her after being a pretty crappy boyfriend. But she continued to only think of herself. I started to feel like she didn't care anymore. She stopped asking me questions, didn't text as much, didn't call as much, always told me I should hang out with my friends more, and she was always talking about wanting to start going to the gym (which she just started today).Things have always been confusing with her because she wants something, doesn't tell me, I'm wrong for not doing it, she kind of hates me for a while. She'll do one thing, say another and I'm left wondering what I should do next. Recently we came back from a month long trip to Hawaii and we went on the trip with a lot of baggage, and not the kind with clothes in it. Before the trip, I was working 60 hours a week trying to make enough money to spend over there and it was stressing me out. Whenever we did talk, we'd get into an argument. It seemed to be what our relationship was about for the last 2.5 years. When she started her job after graduating high school she met a coworker who she talked about all the time. I never actually thought anything of it until after we broke up though. She told me that they had gone rock climbing and were hanging out while we were on a break. Mind you, she assumed we were broken up a month before it was official and when she made it official she wouldn't kiss me goodbye, despite all the tears.Well anyway, I've been really bothered by this coworker of hers. At one point she wanted me to meet him but I turned down the offer. Then she said him and his girlfriend were having issues. So what does that look like? Two people in crappy relationships bonding. So on top of this new attitude of hers and all this talk about this guy and them hanging out, I was a little weirded out. And what really threw me for a loop was when her dad's girlfriend made a "wooing" sound when my girlfriend mentioned his name. The room went silent and my girlfriend looked back with a scowl on her face. I pretended not to hear it then but I confronted her about it afterward and she said her and her coworker weren't even friends and they never hung out. LIE! I'll just say right now that my girlfriend is a VERY good liar and manipulator and she doesn't think I know any better but I do.So we went on our trip to Hawaii and, because I was feeling suspicious, I put a keylogger on my laptop. I managed to grab her email passwords and I perused them a bit. There's a huge gap in what looks like a consistent timeline of emails around the time that we were broken up. I'm assuming she deleted some. But I found a few things out. She started seeing him mid-April and she everything she was telling her friends she wasn't telling me, which could've saved our relationship. She seemed to be unhappy for a VERY long time and I had no idea because one of her issues is that she never opens up to me about anything. I checked her phone as well in Hawaii and there was nothing incriminating in any of the messages, but I still didn't feel right. I haven't felt right for months.So in Hawaii, we met a kid who we both took a liking too. But she started talking to him one on one a lot and even tried Kava with him which I was completely against and she knew. The only way I knew about the Kava was because he brought it up and she was nervous when it was brought up. I mentioned to her that I was uncomfortable with the way they interact and she blew up at me. Because she blew up at me, I started to accuse her of liking him and wanting to be with him. She even made a scene in front of him by making him pull over the car on the side of the road so we could argue. Then I find out that she's confiding in him about our relationship. Emotional cheating much? She completely denies any of it. But one look at her journal says otherwise. It also shows how naive she was about the whole ordeal. Totally oblivious to this guy's advances. He was constantly putting me down in front of her and she would just laugh as if it were a joke. And I couldn't say anything because then it would start an argument. Well, I kept reading her journal and it turns out she had a sex dream about him and she described it in full detail. She said she woke up feeling gross and wrong about it but that the dream felt "so right." I read that and approached her in a way that made it seem like I hadn't read her journal but knew something was up. She flat out denied EVERYTHING!!! At one point she said, "you want to read my journal!?" And I said, "sure!" And she says, "no! this is ridiculous, I don't have to prove anything to you. You just don't trust me. you think I want to sleep with every guy I meet." Which really isn't the case at all. She has guy friends but it's just when she gets closer to some than others that I feel weird and I mention something. Admittedly, I'm very insecure and I can feel jealous... but only if theres ever been reason to feel that way. The last girl I liked I felt like she was cheating the whole time and it turns out she was. I actually found a poem that my girlfriend wrote about how she feels like sometimes she can be a bad girl who seduces all the guys but she tends to take the moral high road and she doesn't know why. She thinks it's exciting to be bad every now and then and she craves that excitement.Anyway, we broke three days before we were set to fly home. She would never see this kid again and we both felt weird about it. When we got home, we both got sad on the plane because we didn't know what was gonna happen when we landed and went home. Well we landed, hugged, and kissed and said we'd meet up to talk. We met up that Sunday and talked about things. We were okay, but she wanted to go slow to rebuild our relationship. Well since being back, things are sort of the same. Everything is about her. She's always going out with her girl friend from work. She just started going to the gym and working out. She's wearing new perfume and she's dressing very sexy. I went over a few days later and she said she had some issues "down there". I went with her to buy a treatment and she said, "Don't worry, you can't get what I have from another person." Uh... why would she say that? I know that already. She's also been poking fun at me more often than usual. Whenever she's using her phone she either doesn't answer the text or phone or she looks around to see what I'm doing first before she reaches for it. Otherwise she's not too protective of her phone OR computer which is surprising. She told me she had no condoms left before we went on the trip and now she does. And I think what looks to be the most incriminating is when she was doing laundry, I walked in and she was handwashing a bra that looked like it had dry cum stains on it. She was rubbing pretty hard and looked nervous that I had walked into the laundry room, avoiding eye contact and such. We haven't had sex in almost a month but lately she's been getting really intimate with me again. Like I said, she's a good liar and I feel like she could probably be playing innocent. Things with her family are more awkward than they used to be. We see each other 2-3 times a week and she lives 10 minutes from her coworkers house who she went rock climbing with. She goes walking at night and is gone for hours. Sometimes when we meet up to hang out she looks really sad and hungs me for a long time. And when I ask her what's wrong she doesn't answer. Could she feel guilty? This is consuming my life at the moment and I really want it to stop. At the moment, I guess we're fine, but I'm still trying to find something. One of the last things I read in her journal was that she loved me so much and she still thinks that I'm the one she's supposed to be with. But it just doesn't always seem that way on the outside. Whenever we talk seriously about our relationship she never thinks anything is her fault and that she's doing what has to be done to make it work. But she just doesn't make sense.WHAT IS GOING ON!?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (2 October 2010):
 I can tell by the way you write that you are far more self-aware than most 20 year olds. You've come here looking for advice, but you already know exactly what the situation is, what you feel about it, and what you need to do. Your girlfriend is treating you like a father she doesn't respect. You are too mature for this girl right now. It sounds like she's not going to grow up or change her attitude any time soon, and waiting around for her to do so is going to be a tiresome descent into increasingly juvenile quibbles and plays for power. She will continue to fail you on her tests all the time and embarrass you through belittling behavior, because she does not respect you; you've become the indulgent 'idiot' father-figure. You need to lose this girl and find someone who can treat you with respect.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 This relationship is a disaster. You need to start working on your self confidence and stop going through your girlfriends phone and computer this is really private stuff and its wrong, and to read a girls journal well that just takes the biscuit, you cant do these things they are private and you shouldn break your girlfriends trust like this. ok so its obvious that you dont trust this women, and am afraid you cant have a relationship with no trust, you cant live your life checking up on her, she is probably distant towards you because you are pushing her away by accusing her of things. You need help to over come your trust issues so i would talk to a cousellor or someone, it doesnt sound like your girlfriend is cheating but it does sound like she has had enough and is slowely giving up in this relationship, explain to her that you know you need help but also that she needs to open up to you more and be honest. As for having a dream about having sex with this guy while you were on holidays, hey it was only a dream we all do this. Good luck with sorting out your relationship
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