A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sooo, I know not everyone believes in exclusivity. I do though. Can some one tell me why this is driving me so crazy??? I had a boyfriend, my first kiss and all, when I was 17. Fine. So we were 17, it would be unrealistic to expect anything serious right? Agreed. However, those of us who wait that long to date all know that the reason we wait is because we want to (perhaps delusionally) have our first relationship be "special" Fine, so maybe life teaches u that it doesn't work that way.We break up because, though I did it out of curiosity, I was not comfortable with how physical our relationship was getting. And when I no longer want that, I am no longer wanted.Fine. Sob story, knew it would happen. No one to blame but me. What I don't get, to this day, is why I continue to get even more physical with him after breaking up.... Idiot, right? My only excuse? I really really liked him and he had a hold on me. Ok.So, the story gets juicier when the idiot actually falls in love with me. We date, and this time he is telling me everything. I had found out that he had kissed some one else, so I kissed some one else and told him. So when he told me, I enjoyed the brilliant satisfaction of telling him I knew. Of course he then tells me he made our with some one in our school, and I flip. I dont think I have the right to flip, niether do our friends so I suppress the anger till I can't anymore in our new "clean slate" relationship.I have to tell him how I feel. So we have a pretty nice relationsship through gap year till I found out that he'd shared a "first" with this girl, that, not only could he have shared with me, buy that I'd shared with him. I immediately break up with him on the premise that I dont care that we had not been dating at the time. That he had been dishonest with me, and that our entire relationship was a lie and that I would never have gotten back with him in the first place if Id known. He asks if it matters that he'd been good to me the second time round, he really had and he had been faithful but what did that matter when I was dating him under the pretense of his being some1 else? What does it matter that you're being faithful now, when I constantly am haunted by the times you weren't, and by the girls u didnt tell about BEFORE we dated again so I could make an informed descision?So I tell him to bugger off, I date other guys, get my heart broken (see my other post) get sick of guys, take a year off dating and carry on, thoroughly enjoying singlehood and adulthood. So guess who comes stumbling back into my life again? Fine, hey, I can truely say Im over him, it doesn't disgust or anger me to see him again, I feel indifferent. So what's the big deal? He's all in love with me, still talking about marrying me like he did all those years ago, since 18, and every1 who knows him has had him cry on their shoulder about what a jerk he was and how he regrets it. Its like a freaken movie, but Im pretty determined, and no matter who thinks Im a bitch for it, or am being unneccisary I make it clear thay he is not an option. Because my last boyfriend had yo-yo-ed me, I am very careful not to yo-yo him. I tell him kindly I see that he's changed, I'm proud of him but this is not what I want, please let me go.One day, a few months later I decide, what the heck, put the guy in the maybe zone. Two years later we're married. I'd spent our dating and engaement years in a bit of romantic sobriety, not as elated as I'd always fantasised, but I figured this was due to the extreme disappointment I'd had in earlier years. I knew I had a good man and was certain that with time and security the romantic feelings would return, which they did, I mean, how could anyone who knew this man like I do, not love him?The first few months of marriage have been bliss. I have struggled with sex, penitrative sex being one thing we both, thankfully, saved for marriage, but it hurts a lot. This vaginismus causes sexual reluctance on my part, but I wouldnt sexually frustrate my husband for the world. So, when he looks at some porn, a habit which, before marriage used to bother him much more than me... (I didnt really take it too seriously but he said its a real problem) I try to come up with creative ways to relax myself so I can, well, "put out" more, if you will. I truely want to enjoy sex, but it is usually painful unless Im super relaxed, and also usually less painful the more frequently we do it. I try to act like I feel as sexy and confident as Id like to be, and sometimes it works. We, try different things he could say to make me feel safe (cus my vaginasmus is caused by fear of how vulnerable sex makes me) and its all going really well and marriage is still the most romantic thing I've ever experienced when:BOOM!There we are doing something, which, when we were still being sexually curious in highschool, was a "first" we'd shared. (For clarification, we had not been sexual in our adult premarital rship) It was one of those "something special that only we share" things, to me. Only, its not something only we share. And it wasn't like he cheated or anything, it was in that time when I wanted nothing to do with him... So whats my problem? Can you tell me? If he did nothing wrong (even according to me)why am I so enraged? If even I think its not any of my business, why does it make me want to kill some one? Why does it make me want to track all those bitches down and beat their faces in? Why am I being so horrid to hubby? Why do I feel cheated if I wasn't? Was I? Why does he disgust me? Why does it make me feel like I need to commit adultry just so he isn't the first to do it? What happened to my fairy tale?Here's what really puzzles me: he basically told me. I mean I asked him "so, u've been physical? More than one person? but not all the way? Okay, thats fine, I don't want to know any details" and he was honest with me! So I ask you again, whats wrong with me? It was my fault, wasn't it? Trying to get all intimate; "you've only ever done [this] with me right?" trying to feel secure, I swear I wouldn't have asked if I didnt think it was a yes, its just, after penitration anything remotely touching my vagina hurt, all these months, unless I felt completely treasured and secure...So there's my stupid story, and, think I'm lame if you will- life does. Life is constantly trying to teach me to give up my romantic, girly notions and live in this heartless man's world where sex is just booty and nobody cares about intimacy. For all our feminism we have still not learned to treasure this truly girly desire and I just wanted to believe its possible, ok? Shoot me!Ok... So there it is. Comments? Any one care to try to fix me? me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRomance. At least thats what I WANT from it. And exclusivity. Which I can never get now. Any thoughts?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): Anyway, I will just give you my thoughts on sex:Sex is not one thing and is not restricted by defining terms. It CAN be many things: loving, slutty, forced, convenient... It is not any one of these things, but has the potential to be all. It just depends on the partners and the circumstances?So what does sex mean between your husband and you? That's all you should think about.
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