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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hey guys, I was just wandering what the dealbreaker is for you in a relationship?My husband of 16 years is an honest guy, he doesn't cheat or lie. He's hardworking.So, I guess the big red flags are down.However, he has serious temperament issues. Anger problems. There's no 1-9 with him, whatever happens he's always jumping straight to 10. Anything and everything can trigger him. The only reference he has if something is going according to his plans. If it isn’t, he yells, swears, sometimes even breaks stuff. More often than not, he tries to make me a part of these outbursts. He either openly blames things on me (and later apologizes) or he wants me to get angry as well to show solidarity, I guess.The whole day was raining today, and he couldn’t get anything done in the garden. He couldn’t stop yelling. And I felt soooo small. So tired. So bored of it all and scared that nothing will ever change in our life for the better. He doesn’t want to go to serious therapy. He used to see a therapist but had never mentioned these issues. She invited me once for a session – I had no idea it was something they did – to talk about my husband’s progression. She was shocked to hear how he was behaving (anger outbursts). I felt horrible for bringing this up. She was treating him for anxiety only. I thought they were doing anger management as well. He never lied they did, I just assumed since anger problems are his daily problem.Anyway, this has been on my mind for a very long time… am I asking for too much? I know we all have flaws. Am I fooling myself in thinking that the only thing that matters is honesty? I grew up without a father and was surrounded by single women and/or single mothers. I have so many single friends (women) you would not believe. Few that are married are more or less in unhappy marriages (certainly unhappier than me). Their husbands are cheating on them and or lying about their finances. My cousin is staying with a husband she cannot stand (he's never home), but she’s completely dependent on him. She is raising their daughter to despise her own father. It’s heartbreaking. I have no means to draw the line in the sand. My husband and I have a mortgage and I have no means to move out and cover all the bills. I cannot do what I’d like to do – tell him that I love him and that I will give him space to start working on his problems with a therapist and move out for a while.I told him something and he heard it, agreed with it and then did nothing to change: If he witnessed someone tretaing me the way he sometimes does, he would get physical with that person. (I'm not saying I would want him to, I'm just saying that what he sometime does IS abuse).
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2022): First off, be unapologetic about answering his therapist's questions. He will sit there, and pretend to be making progress; but it's a truly radical move that she even bothered to ask you. I think your candid response was right on-time! He has anger issues, and probably lied about anxiety being his problem. What are you going to do? Wait until he breaks something that happens to be attached to your body???
If you're not open and honest with a therapist; you're only hurting yourself. They get paid regardless.
I have a few dealbreakers; but I had to first make sure I don't violate my own rules and boundaries. Hypocrisy requires a lot of prayer and introspection. I don't like hypocrites; so I refuse to be one!!! I don't like liars, and I will not tolerate unmanaged anger or verbal-abuse. When I say I won't tolerate, I mean one of us has to go! It's not so easy for someone in a marriage to just up and leave, or put somebody out. I've always made it my business to know my partner's temperament as part of my list of criteria when dating. That includes how they handle their emotions, how they negotiate/compromise; and I don't want to be with anybody I can't talk and be honest with. I know how to express myself; you damned well better have the ability to listen to me. Why would I waste my time getting attached to some hardheaded obstinate creature who doesn't bother to talk things out? Life is too short, and I'm giving nobody permission to shorten it for me! I can do bad all by myself! I'd rather live alone, then with the devil!!!
In my previous relationship, my now-deceased partner was an attorney. He was eloquent to say the least; but he used his legal expertise at arguments to always have his way. He'd condescend to me, and trip me up with my own words. When I was young and timid, he won a lot of disagreements he should have lost. I grew-up. That was no longer the case. I turned the tables and flipped the script! That was over. Let's flip a coin and see who gets to leave; or I'll pack for you!
When you have a mate who doesn't make effort to stop doing the things that hurt you; you have to weigh your pros and cons as to how it benefits you to stay. Divorce is a last resort, not the first option. Some things can, and should, be worked-out. It has to be a mutual-effort. You can't be an enabler by allowing people to abuse and intimidate you. If he is a man of reason, and has an inkling of kindness in him; he should be willing to listen to you when you attempt to explain the difficulty you have with dealing with his temper-tantrums. He needs help, if he is unable to accomplish maintaining reasonable civility and composure. You don't blow-up at the least bit of irritation. It's potentially dangerous! That kind of living environment affects YOUR mental-health! You have to hide or cower away from angry-people, until the storm passes. Nope...ain't doin' it!!! Calm down, or get-out!!! I WILL NOT PUT-UP WITH IT! I almost did; but for sure, now I won't!
You have been an enabler by shying away and tolerating it; but as you've grown to discover, you can't put-up with it indefinitely. It makes you jumpy, and you walk around on eggshells. You cringe when you feel the tension building in the air around them; and you pray to God they don't make a scene in public and embarrass you. If you don't take a stance, he will wear you down! He will ruin your health; and place you in an early grave due to stress and tension. You will have heart problems, high blood pressure, and your mental-health will deteriorate over the years of mental wear and tear. You will see premature-aging, and you will notice yourself becoming more and more timid; to the point you'll isolate yourself and shutdown. Cowering in a corner of the house like a whipped dog!
Insist he get treatment for his anger, and I suggest you do it together as a couple; so you can be sure he realizes this matter is so serious, it affects the fate of your marriage. He may pretend to be indifferent to a threat of divorce, and attempt to call your bluff; but if things weren't approaching that point, you wouldn't be here writing Dear Cupid. He has to realize there are consequences to his belligerence; and you no longer wish to deal with it. The only option left for you may be to leave him; and take your half of everything coming to you with you, to save your skin! You can seek alimony and financial-support. If you have to, then so be it!!! He can choose to stay just as he is; but my suggestion is, to let him do it alone. Who wants to live with some surly time-bomb, always ticking and ready to go-off???
If you have to find a family member to temporarily take you in; you'll have to swallow your pride and do that. You can't stay in an abusive and hostile environment; and think it will have no profound affects on you physically and psychologically. You'll have to grow-up, and learn to fend for yourself. Not spend the rest of your life at some man's mercy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2022): testing
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