A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello cupidI have read a lot here where people mention they really hit it off until suddenly the girl or the guy becomes distant after two three months.Okay my question is that I understand when there is mystery,we are attracted to the unknown but then suddenly as you know a person (the person is amazing ), you lose interest slowly at times.I mean the person who know is amazing and seems right but why you still start to lose interest and you have to try hard to move things forward?Can anyone explain this please ?What takes away attraction and charm suddenly when you actually want to take things forward! (Without sex and with sex involved , kindly look into both perspectives) Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (1 February 2014):
 One more explanation: a LOT (if not the vast majority) of people play a role they have constructed by themselves and by imitating other people (parents, friends and actors in movies). This play has a certain length, like a TV show that is designed to be 40 minutes long (with 20 minutes dispatched here and here, of advertising), 90 minutes for a "standard movie" to be displayed in a theater, and 300 minutes for a "director's cut" DVD for a super production like, say, The Lord of the Ring.Serial charmers do it short. A very very efficient play, that is aimed to lead straight to the bed. And nothing more after the orgasm (excepted for professional f*ckers who do need to be more organised). Normal people have a three to six months role to play, usually, that's why so many couples are born just before Christmas and are dissolved just before the summer holidays.People are basically cheaters, that's when they stop to cheat and lie (to themselves as well as to their partner) they begin to be the real-him(her).
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (28 January 2014):
 Maybe he / she is interested in someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): People form connections with many things in-common; but different needs to be met. It's amazing to find the number of people who really aren't sure what they're looking for in a mate.
One thing they know for certain, they just don't want to be alone. We're starving for passion. Have an attention-deficit that needs to be met. The distress indicator or warning-light is flashing. The engine-light is on.
(Clingy people are looking for a host to attach to.)
If you've been alone for a long-time, it's exciting and refreshing to finally meet someone nice.
They are attentive, intelligent, good conversation, and the immediate chemistry is often very promising.(*Note: Neediness often disguises itself as chemistry.) We don't realize it at the time. Don't care, if the person is really hot.
A new warm-body lights up your life. You seem to be able to carry on endless conversations. They seem to like a lot of the same things. Your personalities play off one another very well. You feel very in-sync. After a sex-drought, any sex is good sex. In the right light, everyone is beautiful.
Here's something that is happening in the brain. The mind is releasing endorphins. A french-kiss, a full-bodied hug, sex on the first-date; all creates a lot of dopamine!
You look forward to feeling their touch, hearing their voice, or getting a cute sexy text just before lunch-time at work. Men start to build-up a lot of testosterone. Women cross there legs at both the knees and ankles. How do they do that?!
Our ultimate goal is to find a compatible mate, to put all that searching to an end. So we build up a lot of hope and expectations. We're chomping at the bit.
We start to make plans for the future. Thinking in terms of being a couple, sometimes before the connection has fully congealed. Discussing having kids, a house, etc.
The sexual-tension is enough to keep things running pretty hot. You can survive on lust for months. People confuse sexual-compatibility to mean "you're in-love." You may have only found the ultimate f*ck-buddy. Date of discovery that this may be the case; to be determined. Love is often used out of context. It's misplaced. The words are screamed in a fit of passion. It cannot be recalled once in the air.
The thing about all those feel-good brain-chemicals is that you also start believing the high is love. The adult brain is wired to seek a mate, and settle-down. Not necessarily to marry, or have kids. At least to start the preliminaries.
To couple and nest. It's a strong instinct.
It's also nice to have sex available on demand, and not have to troll around bars, or online. Looking for someone to fill weekends and cold lonely nights. Not have to face Valentine's Day alone; while your ex is living it up. Smugly grinning next to their latest victim on Facebook. You're long-past your deadline to hookup with someone. So you snatch the first available candidate. Oh, when time catches up with you for that impulsive move!
Many people just get too eager. They let loneliness, desperation, or neediness; be the drive behind their attraction. Well, if you didn't, you'd never form a connection; let alone a commitment. Just to clarify this statement.
The problem is; if this is the compelling force behind your commitment, it will quickly loose steam. The bottom falls out. The fuel is in short supply. You run out of ideas for dates, and conversation over dinner is the weather. The sex-life is reduced to booty calls.
We get posts from a lot of anxious people wondering if a person is losing interest, when the text messages slow down or come to a halt. If after sex, they barely hear from someone, who used to burn up their phones.
What usually happens behind the scenes; regardless of the advice we give. Let me tell you.
They get anxious, and send a long text message (or thread of venom-filled apologies) and/or e-mails to lay on the guilt-trip. Or, they get buttered up and melt; after receiving some lame emoticon that expresses a sad-face with animated tears. They launch gibberish blathered through drunk-texts. Only to regret it in shame.
Suddenly, the anxiously-awaited call or message finally comes. There is a prepared admonishment speech to end all speeches. Ready and well-rehearsed. That will inform the offender how rude they are, who they're dealing with, and had better be ready to make it up to them. The anger starts to spark new passion. It wasn't really anger, it was hurt pride or a bruised ego. Real anger would tell them go screw themselves.
They forgive each other, and lay all hard-feelings aside; have makeup sex, and it's back in honey-moon mode.
Here's the kicker. The glorious haze, the bliss, the dopamine-high wears off after a few days, weeks,months.
Hours for some guys. Usually just after sex.
Why? Too much energy was expended trying to build a momentum. Everyone has high hopes and great expectations. We are all eager to find love. Tired of the dating scene, and anxious to get past all the formalities and games.
Desperation overtakes one side; while the other-side is still very much undecided. So the desperate partner starts to apply pressure. Sometimes this is necessary with a person who can't make decisions; or has a short attention-span. They may be dating others on the side.
I call it dating ADHD. They are dating too many people at once; and forget which one they really liked. People all start to meld together, and become a indistinguishable lump of personalities. They were having so much fun, activity, and sex; they've forgotten who's who.
Now reality sets in, the dopamine-high has warn off; and you're running on fumes, and low on cash. Work is becoming a hassle. Friends are nagging you for neglecting them, and you have a load of things you didn't do while you were having gratuitous sex, hanging out late, losing sleep, and engaging in romantic bliss. Your ex who dumped you, now wants to talk.
It's over the top, and downhill from there. They suddenly seem annoying when they send all those cutesy text messages. Pics of his genitals are no longer sexy; but offensive. Her asking what's wrong, or how you're doing; now feels like nagging.
What took away the attraction?
The sudden realization by one party that things went further than intended. When you slow down, you start to see the flaws and imperfections. You start to apply the brakes.
When the ratio of dislikes to likes is higher; and tolerance levels for nonsense start to has a lower boiling point. This is the natural process of elimination that should have occurred long before a premature commitment was made. Before exchanging the titles of boyfriends and girlfriends. Let's not exclude boyfriend and boyfriend; or girlfriend and girlfriend.
You start to notice annoying stuff. She snorts after she chuckles. Wrinkles her nose a lot. He has this strange mole on his neck with a hair growing out of it. He has back-hair; or you didn't notice how thick her mustache is in a certain light. Petty things.
Suddenly they aren't so hot. Their jokes aren't so funny,
and you start standing each other up on dates. The excuses are lame, and an insult to the intelligence.
I know it's the 21st century; but people sometimes just don't see the forest for the trees. Read the book with your eyes open.
It only means your connection was only in it's "trial stages!" Nothing was firm or decided. It was still up in the air! You got all ahead of yourself.
In olden times, that was called courtship.
You just did a trial-run to see how far you could delay the
expiration-date. How many dates it would it take to get to the tootsie roll center.
Now people want immediate gratification. They want sparks to fly endlessly and their expectations are off the chart.
Wedding dresses are purchased after the third date. A reality-check is long overdue.
The solution to all this is, take your time. Getting to know people, and establishing true feelings; is a deliberate process. Not a race.
Date with your mind, not your heart; or your genitals.
The heart is idling and always has the motor running. It will take-off without warning; ahead of your better judgement. So it's off like a rocket before the master control-center is engaged. When the mind catches up with the heart, disillusionment and disappointment often results.
Suddenly, he's just not that into you. It's not you, it's me. Phone calls have long awkward pauses.
In actually, attraction and charm wasn't really lost. When things slowed down enough to read the road signs, everybody was ready to get off at the next corner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): Lots of reasons. Some of mine are:
Wasn't really attracted to them but they were fuckable so I gave it a shot, but their personalities just didn't really light my fire so I got bored.
Rebound, both being the rebound and being on the rebound. It's hard to say no to replacing some of what you've lost from your break up with someone else, others even believe "getting back on the horse" is the best way to deal with one. It's not and most of the time when the pain eases so does your need for that new person.
Finding out they're religious, vegan, a feminist, homophobe, racist, shit in bed, arrogant, can't hold a conversation, are serial cheaters, won't pay her way etc. In other words finding out the woman has one of my many dealbreakers, sometimes you can date a christian girl and only find out months later she's believes that stuff.
Oh and the main for me, messing up. It's very easy to mess things up if you act like an idiot and you'd be surprised how easy that is. I once dated a woman who was so offended by my use of the word 'cunt' she dumped me and refused to speak to me again, we were having a discussion about slang too so I didn't even say it in an offensive context.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): I certainly think that "beer-goggles" play a part in making someone initially very attractive.A lot of young people meet potential partners during nights out where, not only is alcohol flowing but lights are low and music is up and it can be very hard to really get to know someone properly in that kind of environment. If subsequent dates or meets are in the same kind of place it may well take a little while before people get to know each other well enough to realise they're not compatible.Sometimes a couple will seem compatible at the beginning and think they have loads in common but as they get to know each other better, they'll find that this is only very superficial and that they actually share very little.For example, two people discover they both love movies, are passionate about music and travelling and enjoy eating out...... It eventually transpires that SHE really only likes jazz and obscure French Arthouse movies, has trekked the Andes and the Himalayas and generally eats out at £40 per head restaurants and HE prefers thrash metal, only likes movies with Arnie or Sly Stallone, has been to Benidorm twice and thinks that Beefeater restaurants are the height of sophistication - They don't really have anything in common at all
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 January 2014):
 Well, there can be so many reasons to why it can drop off like that.
Without sex being in the picture - it can be that EITHER party wants sex to be in the picture and the other doesn't.
It can be that there is doubt if they are well matched. You can be PHYSICALLY attracted to someone and then over time find out that you really don't SHARE anything besides "lust" or physical attraction.
It can be that one is religious and the other isn't. If religion is IMPORTANT to person #1 and #2 "hates" it - it kind of makes it hard to work around (for some people).
Maturity. It might come out over those 2-3 months that one of the parties is less mature then an rock - the other might not want to be with someone who is either "too immature" or "too mature".
Not sharing hobbies or have things in common. Again having SOMETHING in common helps.
Not having enough time together.
Thinking they can have a "relationship" over Facebook or Text. Reality is that you ACTUALLY DO need to spend time FACE TO FACE to get to know a person, to get their quirks, their sense of humor, likes and dislikes. If you only "talk" over the internet or text it can get stale/boring.
Discovering things about the other person that you really find as a deal breaker. Let's say, the girl is still talking and flirting with ALL her exes and don't think it's "wrong".
I could actually go on and on, but I'm pretty sure you can use your imagination.
NOW - if SEX is already in the picture there can be a whole other set of issues.
Some guys have this ODD double standard where they don't want to DATE a girl who has sex too "soon" - they will sleep with her but they don't see her as "gf material".
Some people find that they are NOT at all sexually compatible. Or that the partner is just too shabby/shy/advanced in bed.
It can even be that what they initially found so attractive isn't so hot after all.
To be honest it can come down to hormones too. Women tend to be more "horny" during certain phases of their cycle and thus might be attracted to a guy they normally wouldn't go for.
And some guys wearing "beer goggles" might come to realize that the woman is not really as HOT/attractive as they thought the night they met.
Or something as simple as the guys (or girls) REAL personality coming out. Some people are only able to "charm" other for so long.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 January 2014):
 People often fall in love with the idea of dating. As you know the person more you notice flaws and even deal breakers. These are the things that take away attraction. With sex involved your judgment is easily clouded by sexual chemistry. You also get attached to the person. Without sex people see things clearly and can walk away without hurting so much. Two three months is the point where you decide if you can live with the differences or little annoying habits the other person has.
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