A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:after 25 yrs of being with my wife,an ex has re-entered her life by text and email.At first my wife was open about this.He is married and lives in australia.It soon became obvious by her changing behavior,( hidden new phone and secret number,getting up in the middle of the night to text),that something had changed in her life. She also became very angry with me for asking about her ex.He was was aggressive to her during the 2 year relationship in her teens and they parted company with acrimony on her side.Please understand that I feel hurt about her allowing this ex to renter her life be it only by electronic communication.Can someone please tell me what to write to the ex to stop him continuing to communicate with my wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): I agree with the others, getting him to back off is not the answer.
She has to do that, it is up to her to get rid of him. It is your wife who is in the wrong here, not him. She's the one who has changed, she's the one doing something that she shouldn't and honestly it sounds like she's emotionally cheating on you with him.
If you want him out of your life then she has to get rid of him.
You talking to him doesn't solve the problem. In fact it will make things worse because she will probably hate you for it and think you're trying to control her life.
You have to talk to her about this and make it clear how much this is effecting you. Don't confront her, sit down and talk to her, if she keeps getting defensive and angry then she's definitely too attached to this guy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Who initiated the contact with this ex? Did he find her or did she pursue contact with him? The motivation for suddenly wanting to make contact is quite key. Although he is clearly quite a long way away people can still develop relationships by long distance so you have every right to be concerned at this development. Her change in behaviour would suggest her feelings have also changed and getting up in the night is ridiculous to send a text - unless it is a secret / urgent? Getting a new phone just for this purpose? Hey - this is unacceptable. If I were you I would say absolutely no more about it to her face because she will trip up then and take her guard down... and you can meanwhile monitor it closely. I think you need more evidence of something else going on - an emotional affair for example. If you take the matter into your own hand you will never know whether she wants / is prepared to take things further with this guy. It sounds to me like he is bored over in his part of the globe and has decided to flirt with someone perhaps he still carries a torch for? Stay cool (for now) and see where it goes - but don't ignore your instinct.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): I would not consider contacting him yourself. That is for your wife to handle. You need to find out the nature of their new contact. He is the other side of the world so there is only to prospect of texts, emails. That said, you are obviously unsettled by it. Tell her you are uncomfortable with them being in regular contact and would like it to stop. It may be that she is getting some kind of closure on an episode in her life and all this you need to consider. This really must be your wife who deals with it - I feel she would be very unhappy to have this taken out of her hands and would cause more stress between you as a couple.
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