A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My Boyfriend has no problem telling me he is smarter then me.It upsets and annoys me and I have told him to stop, but he still does it. He tells me I'm not smart because I won't let myself grow.Sure he is smarter in certain areas, and is alot older so he has had more experiences in life, but I think it is disrepectful.What should I say to put him in his place and stop belittling me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 There is smart and being a smart ass. He is being the latter.
Be smart and dump him.
He is belittling and disrespecting you. And I'm willing to be this is just the tip of the iceberg as far as his behavior. Just because someone is older doesn't always mean they are smarter. I know people older then me who are definently NOT smarter then me :) And I know some younger then me who just might be.
Age do no = Smart
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): Perhaps it is time you put him in his place. There are many classifications of being 'smart,' but being book smart is but one of those ways. I did very well in college, graduating at the top of my class. However, this is never anything that I bring up in front of family, friends, in public, or anywhere else. Frankly, even after having achieved what I did, I would much rather be rich in experience than academics. When one is 'smart,' at least if they are truly smart, they realize how much they do not know. I may be very educated in a particular area, but I recognize that there is a great deal that I do not know. My father, a carpenter, who never finished high school, has far more knowledge in his trade from his many years of experience than most people have. I do not even dare to assert that I am 'smarter' than him, as I know we have intelligence in very different areas in life. From what I can tell, your boyfriend might be smart in an academic sense, but I would give him an F for emotional intelligence, which in the real world is probably the most important tool. Perhaps he needs a lesson in this area.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): Truly smart people are too smart to mention how smart they are. They know that being clever isn't even half of what's needed to get along in this world. That's why the next time GM or Boeing need a new CEO they won't be looking through the list of Nobel Prize winners looking for the smartest person.
Anyway, why does smartness matter? Life isn't a competition, with an "A" to the clever people.
Consistently making *smart choices* does matter, but you don't have to make those without advice or so fast you can't think them through. Cleverness helps less than you'd think -- taking ten minutes less to decide which housing loan isn't a huge win. Making smart choices is more about self-knowledge than cleverness.
What beats me if how this conversation started, and keeps re-occurring. It's not a dialog you can imagine in ordinary domestic life. It's more like it's some insecurity, rather than anything concrete. "Let yourself grow" is code for something, you could get some insight by asking him (not confrontationally, mind) how you should go about growing. For example, is it a side-effect of your difference in ages?
I'm sorry to say this, but your clever boyfriend isn't very smart. Why else would he use his cleverness to put you down and bring sadness to your life, rather than to applying it to making your relationship together a joy? It isn't his role to improve you (ie, making you grow more clever), it's his role to improve the relationship (ie: so the team of you make smarter choices).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): Truly smart people are too smart to mention how smart they are. They know that being clever isn't even half of what's needed to get along in this world. That's why the next time GM or Boeing need a new CEO they won't be looking through the list of Nobel Prize winners looking for the smartest person.
Anyway, why does smartness matter? Life isn't a competition, with an "A" to the clever people.
Consistently making *smart choices* does matter, but you don't have to make those without advice or so fast you can't think them through. Cleverness helps less than you'd think -- taking ten minutes less to decide which housing loan isn't a huge win. Making smart choices is more about self-knowledge than cleverness.
What beats me if how this conversation started, and keeps re-occurring. It's not a dialog you can imagine in ordinary domestic life. It's more like it's some insecurity, rather than anything concrete. "Let yourself grow" is code for something, you could get some insight by asking him (not confrontationally, mind) how you should go about growing.
I'm sorry to say this, but your clever boyfriend isn't very smart. Why else would he use his cleverness to put you down and bring sadness to your life, rather than to applying it to making your relationship together a joy? Almost all couples have one person who is smarter, tha
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): He is trying to show dominance it's a stupid guy thing.He is deep down trying to impress you in a backwards retarded way.From a guys perspective threatning won't work.That's just more of a challenge.I can tell you what would work for me and make me feel like I was acting like a piece of crap.If you say this seriously "When you say things that put me down it make me feel sad.It also makes me feel upset and annoyed"I want to feel closer to you and respect you.When you critize me and belittle me I feel less attracted to you." I start to wonder how could someone that really loves me treat me that way".A good guy will say omg I was just joking around.I wasnn't thinking about how you were feeling.I love you.Now that I know how strongly you feel about that I won't do it anymore. If he is a jerk or a know it all the words will go over his head.Find a new b.f.because it probably won't stop.He's got to prove his superiority to you.
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