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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: In January I met somebody who I was not particularly interested in - at the time I was hopelessly 'in love' with my married art teacher whose wife is now pregnant. He was 17 at the time and I was 14. We went on a theatre trip together and he seemed and he seemed to pursue me but I neglected to be interested in him, dediciding he was 'too young'. I had forgotten him entirely until he started messaging me on Facebook in May of this year. The messages were flattering, and quite intense: 'he missed talking to me', 'I always seemed to ignore him', he wished we could talk to eachother again because I was crazy cool just like him' ... I decided to talk to him, simply with the intent of making my art teacher jealous. We started meeting up at college. I am doing GCSEs and he is doing Alevels but we see started having lunch together, spending time together between lessons. He is a boarding student. We would hug eachother alot and talk on MSN every night and I became increasingly jealous when he talked to other girls. After 3 days I annouced to a large group of friends that we were now 'an item', not taking it seriously. That night we were talking on MSN. He went offline for a while and I sent him several offline messages. He wrote back to me telling me that it was 'kinda creepy'. I am a very emotional person and am prone to depression - I started crying and telling him over MSN that I hated him, he really upset me, he didn't know anything about me. He then told me that he had been abused for most of his life, he was raped when he was 9 years old, and he felt suicidal, he has alot of issues basically. I was secretly overjoyed and began to feed of his insecurities, encouraging his self-hatred. I would tell him he was ugly, I was only with him because I was using him and no one else would want him. I encouraged him not to see anybody else, only me. I told him I was fed up of falling in love with people who didn't recipriocate my feelings; he told me he would never have started talking to me if my feelings were not recipriocated. I made it obvious I liked him and assumed he felt the same way, I told him I had done a horoscope combatibility test for us and he seemed pleased, I became quite controlling and would tell him what cloths he should wear, how he should style his hair and he would listen. He talked about eating me jokingly, to which I said I was too skinny and probably not very satisfying - he said 'Maybe if I was a pack of lions I would go for someone else but I only want you.'Things exploded a few weeks later. I phoned him 20 times over a period of 5 hours and then went to our college to find him. He came over to meet me and we ended up standing in the doorway hugging for several minutes (day students are not allowed in at weekends and boarding students are not allowed out) before he told me I had to go before we were caught. I messaged him on MSN later that night and he told me he felt bad because 'he didn't feel he was giving me all that I wanted', and he had, 'so much going on', he was touched that I had come to see him and wished we could have just gone for a walk and talked for a few hours but couldn't because he had to revise for a maths exam.' - I was asking too much from him.'I told him I was sorry and I had never meant this to happen and it was only because I cared about him. He then told me that it would be 'sick' to date someone 'so much younger' and he would 'never do that, EVER.' He then told me: You're not an adult yet, neither am I for that matter but I'm closer than you. You may be intellectually mature and physically mature but you are not emotionally mature - that is all that counts in the grand scheme of things.' Then that 'he saw me as a friend, a younger friend and somebody he would want to see occasionally but not to spend alot of time with.'I pointed out that I didn't want to have sex with him, (he is bisexual but does not agree with sex before marriage?) and then I told him to read a story I had written which was about alot of things, such as my dad who I am no longer in contact with, and about the art teacher I was in love with, and also about him. We both believe in telling the future. It was a story I wrote just over a month ago and I had predicted exactly what would happen. He said he didn't know what to do anymore. I spoke to him a few times after that, but our conversation was stilted. On the 28th June he left to go back to Australia for the Summer. I cried for 3 hours after he left and was in pieces for days afterwards. I sent him a message the day before he left but he didn't respond. It was his birthday (18th) towards the end of the summer and as I was in Tanzania at the time (for a month) I sent him a message just wishing him a happy birthday and rambling on a little bit but nothing more. Last week he came back from Australia. He saw two of my friends on Tuesday and stopped them to ask how I was and whether they had spoken to me lately. One of my male friends says he also saw him down town and started talking to him. He asked him how things were going with me and him and he responded, 'I really don't know at the moment because I haven't spoken to her in a while.' I have seen him around a few times. The first time I smiled at him and said hi, then I asked him what his (slogan)t-shirt said and read it out and laughed and said I thought it was funny. Since then I have ignored him. I have seen him a few times but I have always been chatting to other guys at the time coincidently - it wasn't planned!) On Friday he had a lesson in the room I was waiting to use so I was lying on the stairs outside and he came out a few minutes after everyone else and stared at me for a while (really intensely), and I ignored him and pretended to be texting someone and then he walked off but he looked really upset and I don't know what is wrong. I felt really bad afterwards. He is not popular and people have always teased him for his accent and his hair, also he is autistic (as am I). He has been beaten up in the past by the other guys in his year. I don't know what to do. Should I talk to him? What should I say? Does he like me? How should I approach him? Please help I feel like I am going insane!x
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male
reader, The Piglit  +, writes (14 September 2008):
 I'd just like to apologise to the person who posted the question for me posting both my original answer and the edited version! Well it was my first so forgive me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is entirely a coincidence that we are both Autistic. The college we go to is 'special', but not because it caters for students with mental disabilities. It is just very liberal and relaxed so there is no uniform, teachers and students are on first name terms, that sort of thing.
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A
male
reader, The Piglit +, writes (14 September 2008):
Situations like this are like a big box of building blocks in the head turned upside down and scattered all over the floor.Let's see if we can sort them out a bit, pick out the ones that really matter.First) You say both you and he are autistic, and it seems as if you may well be attending a college that is, or caters for, people who need a little extra support. (Don't we all!) I am guessing that there will be people there who are professionally able to help students, and will not only have a ground level knowledge of the place and its people but also the best way to help them move ahead in situations like this.Go and see them as soon as you can.Second) At your age and his, there is, if there were to be a sexual relationship, a question of illegality. From what you say I am guessing this is rightly a consideration he's already made.Third) You say, and I quote, you...."began to feed of his insecurities, encouraging his self-hatred. I would tell him he was ugly, I was only with him because I was using him and no one else would want him...." etc....Fourth) Well as sensitive guy I personally would not want anything to do with anyone who treated me like that. You need to look very closely, and again maybe with someone professional why you behaved like that. The consequences of treating others and hence yourself that way are far reaching.Fifth) You need to work at working out the difference between what is and what isn't. It can be hellishly difficult for ANYONE to do when love turns you head but that's when it needs to be done. Without truth, there can be nothing.Sixth) ASK HIM There is no greater help for indecision and confusion than the other person saying Yes or No, to help you make your own mind up.And finally, you may hate me for saying this, but you are still very young, what seems like an endless agony today will be a memory not too long from now. There are loads of good guys out there. Take the time to find some peace in yourself and some love in someone else. (I hope that doesn't sound too cheesy!)Take care, all will be well.
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A
male
reader, The Piglit +, writes (14 September 2008):
Situations like this are, in the head, like a great big box of building blocks turned upside down and scattered everywhere.Let's see if we can tidy them up a bit, pick out the ones that really matter,
First of all, you say you and he are autistic. It sounds to me as though the college you attend is in the UK and probably caters for people who need the that bit of extra support (don't we all!). I would imagine then that there is going to be someone professional in that environment who you can talk to. Talk to them as soon as you can. They will have the ground level knowledge of the situation and probably the specialised knowledge required to help talk through things with someone who needs that extra support.
Secondly - if my maths is up to the task, there is, until your next birthday a question of legality if this were to become a sexual relationship. From what you say he says, this may be at that heart of any holding back on his part, especially as you say he is bisexual and is against sex before marriage. (I'd the latter might rule the former out but that's not wholly relevant here.)
Thirdly if, and I quote, you "began to feed of his insecurities, encouraging his self-hatred. I would tell him he was ugly, I was only with him because I was using him and no one else would want him", then you need to find out in yourself why you behaved in that way. If you don't make a start at sorting out the roots of such things they may cause you problems for a long time to come.
Forthly, as a sensitive man, if someone treated me like that I think I would be right in not wanting to know them for very obvious reasons
Fifthly, be sure in this situation, and in all that follow, to learn to recognise the difference between what's real and what's imagined, how things are and how you would like them to be. It can be hellishly tricky (I know) with emotional stuff but without truth there is nothing
Sixthly (!) ASK HIM - believe me there's nothing like the other person saying "Yes" or "No" for making your mind up!
Finally - and you may hate me for saying this, but you are still so young and what seems like an endless agony today will be just a memory in the future.
There are loads of good guys out there and you have loads of time to meet them. Take that time and you will meet one.
Take care it will be OK
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, we live in the UK at the moment, and I have just found out (from someone else) that he is thinking of applying to universities in Australia. I don't know if this is true? If we were to start a relationship, should I move out there to be with him?x
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