A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so here is the question. I'm pregnant, 37 years old and got pregnant almost immediately after I met the man who is the father. I've always wanted children and thought I would have them on my own by the time I was 40 (if I didn't have them by them) so am ecstatic about the pregnancy even though it was unplanned.The father and I continued to date but we have not been getting along at all as of late. To top things off, he lives in another country and in the 8 months we've known each other, have seen each other only four times. As the pregnancy progresses, issues continue to develop. As of late, he indicated that he would be coming here with his mother (who I've never met!) immediately after the child is born and staying for a week. I was concerned as there was no input on my end regarding my needs, what is best for the baby, etc. After the birth, I will need time to recover physically and will need a period of adjustment and settling in with my newborn. As well, I am breastfeeding and will need some time to establish a proper routine. Although he is planning on staying in a hotel with his mother, I am still concerned that he wants to visit immediately after the child is born, along with his mother. It would be different if we knew each other better or if I had an established relationship with his family or if I had a child previously and knew what to expect immediately after birth. I tried to be accomodating and told him that he was welcome to come and stay with me immediately after I give birth for a few days...just him, so that he can meet and bond with the baby. Concerning him visiting with his mother, I told him that they were welcome to visit after the baby was one month old and could come for a week. Even though they'd be staying in a hotel, at that time, they'd be welcome to visit as often as they like during that time.The response I received was surprising. He was quite rude and I also received an e-mail from his mother that was very rude as well. She went so far as to question the paternity of the child...indicating that I was 'claiming' that this baby is her son's. They seemed to focus on the fact that they never planned on staying with me, but would be staying in a hotel so I didn't have to worry. But, my concern is not whether they are staying in a hotel, but the fact that they want to visit in my home so soon after the baby's birth. It will be an overwhelming time as it is..let alone to 'entertain' someone I don't know that well (him) and his mother (someone I've never met at all).I'm not sure how to proceed here...I want to do what is right and have him establsh a relationship with the baby amidst all of the complications involved. But, at the same time, I am not prepared to be insulted by him or his mother or have them make decisions on what they think is right concerning this baby, without any consideration to my thoughts at all. HELP!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): personally i'd have the baby, not tell him and wait for my rountine to be established - thats me. lol. But i can understand their excitment to meet the newborn so soon - i would say just be thankful they aren't demanding to be in the room whilst you give birth. Side note, if he's from a different country but wary of leaving your baby with him as one hears all sorts of horror stories of men kidnapping their children and leaving the country etc. Be super wary, not saying you cannot trust him but its best to be safe than sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): I had this when I gave birth. I had met my mother in law twice before I gave birth and it was hatred on both sides instantly. I refused to let her stay in my home and it all became very nasty. We never even speak now and that was 20 years ago. Your request has been very fair and she shouldn't be imposing herself on you so soon. A months grace is fine. Whether they stay in a hotel or not is immaterial it is about how long they stay for, will they just pop in and can you get rid of them when you have had enough. Stand your ground. It is stressful and tiring enough giving birth without the added complication of trying to be nice to someone you don't know. If they were that rude to send an e-mail I would make sure she stayed well away. The father is fine as that is nice and natural but not his mother, but are you sure you really like the father still or would you rather do this on your own? You are obviously more than capable.
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