A
female
age
30-35,
*AMR
writes:6 months ago i went on a trip around europe for 3 weeks. I met a man and we continued to keep in touch after i left the trip. I live in Canada, he lives in England. When I returned home initially we talked a regularly. he even surprised me by calling me through Viber one evening, and on another occasion called me when he was drunk to tell me he missed me. I was the first to express interest in visiting him again, but it has been his own idea, several times, that he might visit Canada instead. Which of course thrilled me, considering i had never brought up the idea, it was nice to know he had thought about making the trip on his own. We had continued to talk, with the occasional lack of communication for a day or two up to a week sometimes because he had been working (he is a driver) and of course i understand with his long hours and work and always driving, i can't expect him to message me all the time. i never had to worry, he would eventually get back to me, and we would resume. 2 months ago, i went back to England for a week, my mom was working there, which mad the trip convenient. He and I were hoping we'd get the chance to see eachother, it wasn't a definite thing, since his work takes him all over europe, but turned out that he would be in england for one night before he started another job the next day. We had an amazing night, unfortunate that he had to leave so early in the morning, he was pretty disappointed about it, although i understood that he had to work and was just soo happy to see him again, he was holding my hand and always touching my knees while we were sitting at the bar or restaurant. he again even brought up coming to canada after september because he may have time off then. Now since ive been home again, i feel like something has changed. we don't talk as much, although he is all i can think about. i don't blitz his phone with messages, i'm quite a patient person, i understand his work is long hours and demanding. i'm not sure why this has begun to bother me more NOW rather than before i saw him, maybe i need the reassurance that he is still interested, before we could go for a couple days not talking and it wouldn't bother me (he even mentioned when i saw him that we hadn't spoken as much, i told him i knew he was busy and i didn't like to bother him too much when he was working, but he said i didn't bother him). i even msgd him before i left england asking him if he wanted to see me again, he said realistically he doesn't know when it would be, but yes of course! Am i being too sensitive? i have msgd him twice about a week ago and have not recieved anything, although anytime i go onto whatsapp it appears that it wasn't long since he was last online. Why isn't he msging me back? he was soo excited about me and even asked me if i had told my family that i had met someone on my trip and he wanted to met my mom when i was in england for the second time and now randomly... it's gone a bit sparse. I haven't msgd him anything since, i don't want to be disappointed with more ignoring on his part... if that is even what it is. but another part of me wants to ask what has changed. i have not dated anyone since meeting him. I really like him and want to get to know him better, but i can't do that unless he talks to me... do i stay patient and see if he msgs me? or do i send the msg and see what's going on? I don't play games, i have an open heart, if i like you then i tell you and go from there. and he has been more than honest and straight forward with me from the start. so this lack of communication at the moment i find extremely confusing and don't know how to react.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): Someday people will learn you can't maintain a real romance mainly by phone or digital device. Perhaps many readers don't realize the large number of people who come to DC with this same problem.
At some point communication slows or stops. The emotional connection is still intact, it's just that the artificial means of contact becomes a life-line for one person, and a burden for the other. This means of connection just may not be as convenient for one of the couple, as time passes.
How can someone who drives hours upon hours feel like chatting on a phone or texting all hours of the night? His day is very stressful. All he wants to do is sleep. There is very little "emotional" fulfillment in phone-chat and messaging.
Although, it may be the only way to keep communication open. Occasional visits just make you feel all the more deprived of his presence; so you feel anxious when he's not available. Contact through digital devices just becomes a tease. Some argue that their relationships are doing just fine. Only if they know they get to see each other in-person on a frequent basis. Not when there is limited opportunity. They have to over-reassure themselves it's all great; so they may be in just a little denial of the truth.
They try really really hard to maintain hope. Which might run-out. I speak from experience. The love of my life often had to travel weeks at a time, but I lived by the faith he was coming home. I kept in-touch, but didn't have Skype. So calls and e-mail had to suffice. It was only temporary.
My best friends who served in Iraq and Afghanistan, I had to pray and live on the faith; they were coming home. I could send them e-mails and waited, but that distance was "forced" between us. You have an obligation to wait under those circumstances. Your choice in these situations are either very limited, or non-existent. That kind of LDR is not voluntarily, but it is required.
Eventually long-distance relationships become harder on one person to reply, than it is for the other. If I'm lying to you, please someone prove me wrong. If you choose to maintain a relationship through occasional visits with calls and messages in-between; someone is just going to get tired of it. If I were wrong, we wouldn't have so many posts about this.
Guys do not get as much out of daily messaging as women do. It may give you reassurance he's thinking of you to hear from him, he runs out of things to say to reassure you; and it becomes tedium trying to find time in his day to "check-in". Like a time-clock at work. Checking-in and checking-out. It may sound cold, maybe piss some ladies off to read my answer; but you'll learn the reality of it regardless of my response here.
I tell people all the time, if you want a real relationship,
it has to be person to person. The more time you spend together, the more fulfillment for the both of you.
Long-distance lasts as long as two people can stand it. One may give-up before the other. The distance is the reason. Not that they don't care about you anymore. They just get tired of hanging on to you by a device. You can rest assured, if you have one going on for years and years; one or the other, is cheating like hell. They have other relationships to sustain their human needs. Scoff at this response, but again; prove me wrong.
People deserve to have intimacy, affection, and interpersonal connections on a human-level.
Using technology as your means of connection is good for those of us separated by education, military deployment, business, and family emergencies. There is the promise, at some point that this will end and you will be reunited.
Meeting someone hundreds of miles away from home, with no certainty when it will finally become person to person; is likely to take its toll. The stress of missing that person; and availability of other people within closer proximity, will most likely put so much pressure on it; it will break.
When the LDR becomes stressful, when the other end starts to lag in response; then it's time to start looking for a relationship that is local; and isn't as hard on either of you.
Please don't make that decision to give-up, until you are totally convinced you've had enough. Sometimes the break is just a little hiccup along the way, and things resume at a later time. Set your own threshold. People sometimes push the envelope. You have feelings and he should be aware of that.
Give it only as much time as you feel you can stand, before you've had enough. Don't place yourself on-hold; when there just might be some wonderful guy looking for a loving lady like yourself. And he can be found somewhere in close proximity to where you are now.
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (7 October 2014):
I can understand why your confused over the lack of communication but it would be no harm to send him a msg and find out what is going on.That way you will know for sure .However take into account that he maybe treating your encounter with him in a casual fashion or he may be treating it in a serious way.In the meantime i would not put your life on hold for him.Remember if a man wants to contact a woman he will and if he does not there is nothing that a woman can do but put it down to unhappy experience and learn from it . Kind Wishes NORA B,
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