A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't knoe what to do? I do feel weak and feel like going back to him, but this break ups always happen, but now i really need to think about it, i need help.Ever since we started out, he would leave me home and he would go drink with his friends and come home drunk to me, i actually found out once he picked up a girl at 5 in the morning to go drink with his friends. Long story short, i actually have been living with him ever since we started going out, i probably moved in with him about a month or two after we started going out. I started finding papers (printed picture) on the back of his pockets, they were porn pictures, sometimes it was not only one but a couple, i dint confront him right than and there but it still bothered me and hurt me. I found some porn pictures too in the shower and these pictures were wet! He respects and loves his mother soo much that he would never dare do anything to her. Not only did i found printed pictures but i also found them in hes phone on the internet history and also in the outgoing txt messages, he would send them to his email i guess to get a bigger picture and print them out, ugh even writting about it hurts me!Those days he has a shitty ass phone so he dint have videos in there until we moved in to our own apartment i got a contract and i also got him a phone under my contract a blackberry and the bastard dared to have porn videos on the phone i got him! videos of whores from the club dancing.I also found out that he was still talking to his ex from mexico telling her how he sometimes wanted to break up with me but he didnt want to be by himself, and how i would always ask him to throw all of her shit away and he would tell her "i would never throw out your memories, the letters u send me the backpack the blankie" and all this shit, i had also found a binder were he had her pictures and letters from her and in that same folder he had pix from girls from websites.Not only has he watched porn but also talked to girls telling them they were sexi and hot and just beeing a manwhore. I just dont understand why he does that when he has a girl next to him, and i just wonder why. Sometimes it just hurts me because he was not my first but all the stuff i have done with him i had never ever done it before he showed me how to love and ugh, i dont knoe what to do ive been staying with my best friend for about a week because i have left him before but for a night or one day but i end up getting weak and going back to him, but not only does he need help but i do too! I am just constanly thinking hes doing this hes doing that, i feel bad about myself i feel horrible i feel like im worthless i feel like im not enough for me, my story is long really long.I just need some advice he has told me sooo many times he was going to stop and nothing seems different just recently last friday i found porn websites on my best friends computer! what kind of pig does that, and i remember that morning i was just gone for not even an hour. I feel horrible im not working right now and well im just afraid because ive been depending on him soo much, when my mother needs something or go somewere i keep his car, when my mom need help with money his there. another problem we have is that he gets paid really shitty he gets paid 8 dollars at a warehouse were he has been working for 5 almos 6 years and sometimes were broke we dont have money for gas or we have no food at home! I just dont knoe what to do, someone help me! it would be woderful too if who ever is up for chatting since my story is long.These days that ive been here with my friend he has been begging me and texting and calling, he tells me that he doesnt want to loose me that he would do anything for me, he said he was looking for help and that he would also go to a couples counseling, he said he wanted be to be there too when he would find help and i told him i would not be there i would not stand to hear anything about that. I dont knoe what to do :'( i sometimes feel like this 2 yrs dont even count because of everything he has done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you for those who took the time to write back to me, i really appreciate it.
Well last night me and my best friend went to the lake (witch has a park and also a huge parking lot were people with nice cars or old cars go and cruise around chill drink and also i guess hookup) we had barelly gotten there and we had only gone around once when we were heading to the exit and well there he was entering the park, i just instantly started shaking even thou he has never ever hit me i was afraid of what he was going to do, not far away from the lake there was a cvs witch we were planning to go to since we were planning to go to houston to the beach, and he kept on calling me and calling me i dint answer he finally texted me and said "its over" it did hurt me but at the same time i felt relieved that he was making it easier on me since i wasnt sure what i wanted. He texted me acouple more times saying "do not dare go to the house" since i still had most of my stuff there, i was pisst but i dint even wanna talk to him i dint wanna make things more difficult, and he even said "and you said i was the bad one, lets see if you can find someone who will beg you so much like me" i just ignored him dint wanna noe shit abuot him anymore. After that we just went to waltmart since we dint find what we were looking for and well obously my best friend was the one that bought all the food, because officially we are on a diet and well she spent about 150 worth of stuff even thou we still have things to buy.
So after we got home from waltmart witch was around at 9 or almost 10 at night, i had noticed his car was there, at my best friends house!! i was scared, we were not even off the car yet when he was by my door already i opened it and he said "i just wanted to come and say it to ur face that this is over, if thats what you want to be doing than go ahead and find urself some1" (in a bad way) and he said dont even bother going "to my house, ur stuff is in the trash" i was just broken, me and my best friend went to "his" apartment to see if it was true when we were on our way he past us like crazy and it was only a 2 lane street, i felt horrible, when we got there he was by the door and i noticed he had been drinking he said 'go ahead call the cops, either way ur not getting shit from my apartment" i dint knoe what to do, i noe he was mad about the lake but i dint do anything wrong, he kept on saying to me like if i was cheating and well i just said that i wasnt that kind of pig like he was.
He always does this he says stuff when hes mad really really hurtfull stuff and later on he admitts he was wrong and begs me for forgiveness when my heart is like forgive him and my head is like he said this he said that.
So after what he said i was in the car with my best friend i dint knoe what to do or who to call i dint knoe if i could call the cops but im not that kind of a person. So he came downstairs and opened my door and said "im soory babe (crying) you noe i say stuff i dont mean to, go get ur stuff, u noe i would never do that to you" i felt realived but also hurt because he did all that and he was just lying to me.
I went upstairs trying to get my stuff and he was just trying to talk to me and of course i was mad i was like "leave me alone you said what you had to say, u were the one that took the decision" and even thou he was begging me he was also getting mad.
He said that even thou after all he did he dint deserve this much hatred or humiliation from me and all this begging, and i just said "thats the least you deserve" he just blew up! he said that that was the last time he was going to be treated like a dog, and he was like you want to leave than leave he actually went to my closet got my clothes and threw it dowstairs (we lived on the 2nd floor) i felt horrible i tried to hold him back but he was acting crazy he pulled and pulled and i even fell down, i felt humiliated, i was crying he came back and he was in my face screamming that he dint deserve that and all this shit. I just got up and started getting my stuff and i was next to the bed and he like dint tackle me but he hugged me really hard and at the same time threw me in the bed, it was a horrible feeling, he crying hiterically saying he was sorry that he dint want me to leave him and i was just crying horribly because he was ontop of me like hugging me hard and wouldnt let me go thats when my bestfriend walked in and told him to get off of me, i felt emberrassed but yet relieved, i kept getting my clothes she was trying to talk some sence into him, and he said he did get mad when he saw me at the lake but he had gone to his best friends house and he calmed down because he new i wasnt doing anything wrong, he was just talking and talking telling her he did love me he dint want to loose me but he was also upset about the lake, my best friend told him "you noe why we left? because she was scared of you, scared of what you might do" right than he just broke down and i noe that hurt him very much but it was true even thou he has never ever hit me i am still afraid of him, he obiously did what he does when im about to leave him he punched the wall, he has done it before and made his hand bleed, we live on some apartments that i myself think are nice and i just wonder what they are doing to say or do after al these wholes in the wall!! he has also broken picture portraits and just scares me.
He kept on trying to stop me he was trying to stop me from putting my stuff in the bags he was also hurting my grabbing my writsts, i wanted him to leave me alone i was crying, and he just kept on doing that he was like "stop please dont take your stuff that the only thing i have left" it was just horrible.
To me this was the worst part, his mother got there! who the fu*k had called her! not me not him not no one!
i dont have anything against other religion, im just against them! all of his family is christian, one of his sisters is actually marriend with a pastor and they have their own church, i respect his mom very much but sometimes she just goes past it, and i get pisst but stay quiet.
it was horrible she came up stairs i was actually by the door putting the bags outside and he was in my face crying and crying and she just popped up and i noe how he respects her, she was like stop stop i told you screaming wouldnt fix anything. I just felt horrible and went back to the room to finish getting my stuff and i could hear her telling him stuff! what kind a mother says that shit to her son!! i could hear her saying "stop shut up stop crying, you cant keep someone living with you if they dont want to be with you, if they dont love you" he was just crying histeracally infront of his mother!! he was telling her that he cant live without me, that he could not deal with it and again she was like "well maybe she found a better life, theres plenty of more out there, you will find someone that can appreciate you and love you" what the fu*k!! i was soooooo mad, i actually went to her and screamed "i love him, i respect him" it was just getting me more mad for the stuff she was saying, she was actually making him feel bad, she also arrived at the wrong time thinking that i just wanted to leave him! she dint not see the park were he threw my clothes outside.
Knowing him, and knowing how much he loves his mother he would of done everything she had said even thou she was also putting him down saying that she thought he was the strongest one of the family and noe that she saw him like that she was dissapointed, she kept on saying alot of stuff to hurt him and me, he went to the room were i was at with my best friend and he was still crying trying to talk to me and his mom was just behind him saying "uggh stop just leave her she wants to leave" and i could tell she was mad because he wasnt listening to her, she was like come over her let her finish getting her stuff, he was like no he was actually telling her to get out that he wanted to talk to me, my bestie was like do you want me to get out, he was just begging me and he was like "please i just want to talk to you, im on ur side not my moms, im defending you" something i never thought he would do.
I said yes, i felt weak i felt horrible we were talking and i was crying i was like just go with ur mom just listed to her, he was like i just made my mom aside for you, i love you and i dont want to loose you, i dont care what my family says, i will go out there right now and talk to my mom tell her what i did. We were both crying he even said it himself i noe she cant be comparing us to his other brother and wife, thats what hurt me the most, comparing me to that gurl she has 2 kids one with hes brother, shes a lazy ass bitch who does not cook or clean, their house is filthy, sometimes they wouldnt have enought money for rent for buying a effin dog that was 400 500 dollars, and his brother actually gave her clamidia while pregnant with his child, thats what hurt me and i have truly never in these 2 yrs cheated on him or done anything to hurt him, i cook i clean, i noe i dont work but im also not perfect but comparing to the whores he had, im the best he has ever had.
He was telling me he wanted us to be together that he was trying to find help, he was just telling me he would just not let his mother get into this or his family, he said he dint care about what they though, his family! the most important thing, but yet i was just crying and just told him i still couldnt stay there, i want to forgive him because the sameway he has defects he also is just the most wonderful man ive ever met, at some points, i dont have to tell him to do anything when we go to my mothers house he helps cutting the grass, renovated moms bathroom,cleaning, washing, they are just sooo many things that i admire him for, yesh i noe we sometimes have trouble paying our bills but they are always on time, he is a hard worker, i actually think he does a better job in cleanning the apartment than i do, i do clean but he goes over the limit he cleans the couches the bathroom the kitchen, i just dont noe what to do.
He kissed me and kept hugging me and i wanted to do the same but i told him i couldnt stay there and he said it was fine he would let me leave with my bestie but he said he wanted to fix things, and i told him i couldnt come back until i saw a change until i saw him do what he said he would do, to see him better.
I ended up leaving with my bestfriend he called me a little bit after telling me that he told his mother that it was his fault that he was drinking and he threw my stuff out the apartment, he told me crying she had left mad at him, that she said "you are just like ur father" his real father left them or his mother left him when they were 3 very young and not so long after that she got herself another man who is now his stepfather but he still calls him dad even thou they are not together anymore, because his real dad would hit her and she would always tell us what he would do to her it was horrible to noe that she told him that, because he is nothing like that, his real dad wouldnt take her to the store or washing she had to find a way to do all that with children already!!
and yesh we dont have kids together but we've been trying to conceive but i belive there is something wrong with me, he thinks its him but i think its me, ive have gone thru the same things in my past realationship, no condom no protection and still no baby. I love him very much, and the answers i have received are great but also true, but im not sure if i can do that, umm i thank the lord very much for my best friend we are going to the beach next weekend and my dad lives in houston, i've been thinking of staying with him for a while, im not really sure what to do.
It had been since july of last year that i have not found or seen any porn on his phone but he has done it at his job so why couldnt he do it now at his job, i noe going thru his stuff is wrong and i wasn never like that with anyone until i started seeing stuff on his phone like i said at that time i had no one i would only use his and keep it so it was hard not looking at his stuff, yesh its tru about the ex stuff thats what i have told him too, but i dont noe if he has because ever since we moved into our apartment he had nothing of her there i just believe it was at his moms place.
Thanks again for the answers, and especially for taking your time on reading my loooong stories :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): He doesn't even seem to make much effort to hide his porn from you. This is a serious problem he needs to get help for. Does he even try to show you that you can trust him again? The most obvious visible effort he can make is to throw away all his ex's stuff. Move out for good and let him get individual counseling. He'll never really change if you keep going back to him.
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female
reader, Spades  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 Personally, I don't see all the fuss about watching porn. It doesn't reflect your partners feelings or lack thereof for you. On the other hand this behaviour does seem a bit excessive.You SHOULDN'T be looking through the internet history on his computer or phone. It's invasive for starters, and all you're doing is confirming your suspicions. Ultimately hurting yourself for no reason. Sometimes it's better not knowing. The same goes for looking through your best friends computer..Now, you havn't mentioned anything about children so I'm left to assume you don't have any with him. So you have plenty of time during the day to WORK. You said that you sometimes struggle to pay bills. You working would help a lot.All the feelings you have mentioned thus far are normal. Most people would feel the same under these circumstances. But you need to do things for you. Go out with your girlfriends, work, save money, have a security blanket..Do things that make you feel good about yourself, whether that be getting your hair done or whatever it is..
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): You said it yourself: he needs help, and so do you. The difference is, you need to be responsible for you and let him be.Stay at your friend's house and stay away from him. You don't need a man like that who hurts your feelings that way. Find a job and stay with your mom to save up money. Then get your own place.You'll find a much better man for you than he is.
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