A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Doi you think this could be a problem later? What should I do?My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and we are talking about getting married. But I'm actually a little wary of how he handles finances and I'm worried that this will affect our future together. He's the type the spends and spends. Like, right now he's talking about buying a new classic car when he already has a car and two motorcycles. He makes enough money but not THAT much money, it wouldn't help with finances at all, especially since we're talking about buying a home together. I'm also worried about his obligation to his friends. Before I say more, I actually think this is a good quality about him, too, though. He's very generous and willing to help people out financially. I think that's very wonderful of him. But I get a little annoyed sometimes. I actually like them as people, so I feel terrible when I get annoyed. But for example, a friend of his is always having money issues, yet she buys herself a mercedes and rents limos for her son's birthday party, etc. And because she can't afford things, my boyfriend will give her hundreds of dollars to help pay for things. One time she wanted to go out to dinner with a friend of hers, but she wanted to go to a very expensive restaurant, so she asked if she could have three hundred dollars. Right now she wants to buy some property together with my bf. She wants to get the proeprty to rent out and make some income. I'm worried that what will happen is that she won't be able to pay and my boyfriend will end up paying for it. I don't know what would happen after that... I know this is very nice of him, actually, and I know his friends are very important to him and he wants to help them out. (A lot of his friends ask him for money). I don't want to come between them and butt in. And if buying things makes him feel happy, like getting a new car or a new motorcyle, then I don't want to stop him from doing that either. Maybe he's not really reay to settle down with me and he still wants to live life, I don't know. I worry that he's a big spender and will be terrible with keeping a future family financially stable and safe, and I'm worried about his obligations to his friends. I'm also worried that he's still too young and hasn't lived life to what he thinks is the fullest yet (he's thirty). But I know that if my fears are true, then I don't know if I could be happy in a relationship like that. I love him very much, and I know he loves me, so I just don't know what to do. It sounds terrible, but do I keep going forward, going just one day at a time and enjoying life and love? Or do I just walk away now? It would break both of our hearts, I think.... I'm sorry it was so long, I hope this wasn't too confusing. I'm just very confused, and any thoughts would help a lot! Thank you so much in advance!
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (7 November 2011):
You're right, this is a touchy subject, since you will be trying to change something that he has been doing for some time, and he doesn't see anything wrong with it. On the other hand, I think you can do it in a gentle and guiding way to help him realize for himself that it's not productive.You can compliment him on his generosity of spirit and kindness to his friends. But then point out, "Have you ever looked at it from a perspective that it is makng your friends financially dependent on you and unable to manage their own finances? What about when you have kids, will you still be supporting them?" And talk about how much you love him and want your relationship to move forward, but are wary because with his spending habits, it doesn't look like he is ready to move forward and become financially ready to buy a house, plan a wedding, have kids, save up for retirement, etc etc. And point out that you don't want him to stop treating his friends completely. Maybe he can still get them nice (but not over the top) christmas/birthday presents. Have them over for supper. Maybe go out with them and treat them to a reasonably priced dinner every so often. Buy a round of drinks. But lending $300 for a whim to go eat out an extremely expensive dinner? That's too far. Help him to see the line. Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): Thank you both so much for your responses and help!
First of all, I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable or just not minding my own business... I do love him, and I know he loves me, and I've also just been worried about talking to him about something like this....
Kirra: wow, I never thought of it as enabling, but I think you're right. But I don't know how to bring this up to him since it's a touchy subject about his friends/friendship.
Abella: thanks for the plan. It think it's a good start. To be honest, while I'm not a spender and I do save, I don't know about all the expenses it takes to own and maintain a home or how much to save or the best way to save. Maybe he and I can take a class together on it or something...
I really hope this won't be an issue in the future. He's had a tough background, so I can understand why he is the way he is with buying things and wanting to "help" his friends (and I can even see it might be an insecurity/ego thing). I'll have to have a heart to heart with him, and if he doesn't like any of this..well I don't know! I'll have to rethink things.... Is that normal? To love someone but to walk away because of something like this?
In any case, thanks again!
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (2 November 2011):
His financial irresponsibility, especially at his age, is reckless and in no way conducive to starting a family together or even getting a place together. I personally would never get entangled financially with someone like him until he got his act together. I wonder what his living situation is, because if he is only renting, then he does not know how much it costs to keep and maintain a house what with house insurance, furnace insurance, water heater insurance, hydro, electric (if he is renting, that could be a fixed rate in his rent), fixing up the house (flooring, paint, fixing cracks, leaks, etc etc etc). The list goes on and on. And then for any fixes he has to make on his vehicle collection when problems happen. With all this spending he's already doing, has he even been saving? Because once he buys a house, he will be paying mortgage for a looong time, especially if he cant afford a big down payment, which he should be saving for instead of spending on his whims and fancies as well as those of his friends. Is he giving a friend who is down on hard times and is having trouble with food for her family? NO! He is helping his friends keep up an unrealistic lifestyle! If his friend can't afford to eat out at a 300 dollar restaurant or buying a mercedes, she shouldn't be! She should be cooking at home and living on a budget, without huge extravagances.The funny thing is, your bf thinks he is helping his friends, but he really isn't. If his friends have a certain income, they should be budgeting and living within their income, and saving, and planning for their own future. What your bf is doing is enabling them to live OUTSIDE their income level. So they aren't satisfied with what they can afford, they keep wanting what they can't. And they are getting themselves in debt because of that. And will they ever pay your bf back? Doubtful considering they are borrowing money to spend on ridiculous things. So they probably won't ever HAVE the money to pay him back. You really need to sit down with your bf and talk to him about finances. Because unless you are on the same page as to what you both should be spending, this relationship won't go any further. Or rather, it shouldn't.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 November 2011):
 I wonder if he has an ego issue, where his own insecurities mean that he Needs to be Needed? Not a good look. This is my rule: If the Bank will not take the risk and will not lend someone the money - then since when does an individual have more resources to cover the risk of a delinquent debtor?The Answer is Zero ability to match the financial, regulatory and Collection resources of a Bank.He is exposing himself to insane financial risks.And wait until he really has to try to "collect" a long outstanding debt.That's when so called 'friends' will abuse him for asking that they please repay the debt. That's when the penny will drop - they are not friends, they are 'users' who have found a guy naive enough to think 100 percent of them can repay the loan.You would be surprised how quickly people will stop asking for a loan once a former lender starts saying, "No!" "NO!" and "NOOOOOOO!!!!"Sit him down for a heart to heart talk. He is not responsible for he debts of the world. He will get burned financially if he keeps this up. Genuine people will still like him, even if he stops lending.And yes, potentially it might harm your relationship when you can't pay the power bills because he's lent one of his extravagant friends the money for a Greek Odyssey in the Aegean Sea.Your guy also needs to stop Playing the role of a "Walter Mitty" where he maintains a vivid fantasy world of living like some sort of jet setting celebrity play boy. And tries to impress others with his growing vehicle. Collection Get your man to draw up a budget. If you are the more fiscally responsible one in the relationship then you take over the finances , only after he has agreed by virtue of a written agreement with him. He can have a small amount of pocket money per week It is irresponsible to think that he can keep being the local neighborhood bank, soup kitchen / co-operative / pawn shop to pander to the wants and requests of the extravagant in his neighborhood.He's a soft touch. Tell him to grow a backbone and say, "No" He is not obligated in any way to meet the debts and wants of his friends. If he earns good money then he should be regularly saving and building his net worth now.1, Work out in the budget how much you can afford to bank each week. Bank it and forget it for now. Do not have these savings linked to any account where you or he can weaken and raid this piggy bank.2. Work out your essential utility, insurance, housing costs, not negotiable expenses. And make provision for them so you have the esssentuals covered. Do not include ANY discretionary expenditure in this group.3. Now the money-pot is getting smaller. Allocate maintenance costs. your own transports running costs if you do not use public transport. Food and cleanng etc products And small emergency fund - that you can raid for special occasions.4. Add any other categories to whatever money isleft behind. And use one of these categories for his pocket money.5. Finally you are ready to consider occasional extravagances.Once he adheres to a firm budget he will wonder how he ever managed before, when he gave in to every sob story.
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