A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last night my phone was dead and I could not find my charger. So I asked my boyfriend if I could use his phone because I had to call my sister for something important. I'm not the type to snoop but I saw 3 calls in the call log from a woman my boyfriend had cheated on me with during the very beginning of our relationship over 2 years ago. It was a one time thing where they had sex while drunk, but prior to this there was a lot of flirting and inappropriate behavior on both their parts. I have forgiven him and him and I completely moved on from that and have had a good relationship. As far as I know, he has not had contact with her until this last week when she contacted him. I ended up asking my boyfriend this and he has confirmed him and her have been in contact within the last week or so, but it wasn't a big deal as it was just casual talk about work, how they're doing, etc. Now I wouldn't care if this was just some friend, but technically my boyfriend cheated on me with this woman. Even though it was in the very beginning of our relationship and they were drunk, it still hurt me very much. My boyfriend told me he plans on staying friends with her and that I shouldn't be worrying because there is nothing going on and that they're just platonic friends, and that what happened with them was a long time ago and that its not even relevant anymore. He even told me he cares about her as a person (they dated briefly way before we got together so there's history with them) I'm just completely hurt tbh, I don't think he is in the right to do this. I'm not normally a jealous person, but I do feel a lot of jealousy and hurt over finding this out.We of course had an argument over this, and he's all like "fine I'll just be a dick and completely ignore her every time from now on" What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): Ok,in about 90% of cases,I'd advise exes to be friends. But this... This, your situation, is precisely why most people can not believe, nor even contemplate exes being friends.
You are in my 10%. In the 10% that should kick his b***s till they are blue and then never look back.(don't actually do this-I'd never advise on physical violence. It is more tongue-in-cheek and demonstrates just how mad his treatment of you is driving me I was so mad and angry just reading your post)
This is not just ANY girl, this is a girl he cheated on you with. Also, why does he care about her feelings? I'm sorry but I don't believe he was in touch with her just in the past week.
I also do NOT believe they slept together while drunk.
Or to phrase it more clearly- obviously they were not drunk enough and his and her actions were intentional. Otherwise why keep in touch with a rando and one-night thing?
Do you think anyone keeps in touch with their one-night stands? Hey,I don't even know the names of some of mine!
He is making a mockery of your whole relationship. Of all of your time together.
And he clearly does not value you enough to leave the "rando" to the curb.
So, my one and only advice: kick HIM to the curb. Don't look back and don't accept his excuses.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2016):
 I think he is within his rights to be friends with whomever he wants to be friends with.
What he does NOT have the right to do, is cheat. Yet, you didn't end your relationship with him. Although, you should have. And this is why. Because it still hurts like shit, and you don't ever really get over it or recover from it. If you were over it, and everything was forgiven, then this woman wouldn't cause such a reaction in you.
I mean, say he never cheated on you with her, you probably would not have objected to them being friends. So the problem isn't her and him being friends. The problem is that he is A CHEATER. And, seeing this womans name reminds you of that. Without her in your life, you can pretend it never happened and turn a blind eye to his cheating. Now that she's back in his life, it's a reminder of what he did.
But, it's not the woman that is the problem. The problem is your boyfriend...! You need to understand this. You chose to stay with a cheater. The consequence is you never know whether to trust him or not, you don't at all trust him around this particular woman, and him even talking to her feels like a slap in your face. And it is! It is a slap in your face! But that's what being cheated on does to you, so remember this, and think about whether or not this is a good relationship for you or not.
Cheating is usually a deal breaker for a reason. Sticking to a relationship, despite cheating, often result in conflicts like yours. You can't solve this, because the cheating wasn't your choice. You can't change the past, and you can't make/not make your boyfriend be faithful. But you can choose whether this is how you will let people treat you, or not.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 May 2016):
 There are a lot of questions recently about boyfriends being in touch with their exes. I have compiled a few that should help you decide what to do.
I personally would be done with this particular boyfriend, as he was hiding this “friendship” from you. He has some boundary issues. You can wish someone well for the future, hope they do fine, and all without maintaining any sort of contact.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/am-i-being-paranoid-about-this-he-keeps.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-are-back-together-but-he-is-still.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/am-i-a-rebound-im-concerned-about-his.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-i-give-him-a-chance-boyfriend-told.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-would-he-be-messaging-his-ex-in.html
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 May 2016):
 You should leave him. Not because he has a platonic friendship with another woman. Because he has concealed the relationship with the other woman from you. Because he has poor boundaries. Because he is not fully committed to you.
At this point he has admitted only to what you had solid proof of. It is highly likely that there is much more going on. It is not worth going through the pain it would take to get the rest of the truth. You will know the truth within one week of setting him loose.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 May 2016):
 Value yourself more. Seriously.
You KNOW what he is doing isn't OK, I even think HE knows, but he is pulling out all the " You can't tell me what to do stops". ALL he cares about (in this situation) is what HE wants. YOUR feelings aren't even a blimp on the screen.
If I were you I'd tell him; " You know I love you, I have loved the relationship we have been building so far. I'm NOT OK with you being "phone-buddies" with this former F-buddy of yours. And if you can't SEE/UNDERSTAND why, then maybe the two of us are not what I thought we were. I want you to be happy, I want you to have friends, but I am NOT willing to give up my own peace of mind so you can be phone-buddies with this woman. So, I think we have better end it. You obviously don't VALUE me as highly as I do. I wish you well."
Ignoring this, or "letting" him be "friends" with this woman is going to drive a wedge in and while you CHOSE to forgive his cheating, doesn't mean he gets a FREE pass to ALWAYS do what he wants. My bet is he wouldn't be OK if YOU were all of a sudden starting to be phone buddies with an ex/ex lover.
That woman is NOT a friend, she is a former F-buddy AND ex. She isn't talking to HIM because she thinks he is SUCH a great friend. There is ABSOLUTELY no need for him to be her "friend". And IF he still "cared" for her... why no contact after he had sex with her 2 years ago until now? I call BS.
Don't be naive and LET this guy treat you this way.
End the relationship GRACEFULLY, but in a way where you SHOW him that YOU value yourself more than talking this kind of behavior.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): Sorry. You need to get rid of him.
It is one thing to have forgiven him and have moved on from that cheating episode two years ago. I believe in forgiveness and giving one chance to prove you're sorry and move forward. If he had stayed CLEAN and SOBER so to speak, that would have been one thing.
But here's the other thing...
He is NOW AGAIN in contact with the woman he CHEATED with. He did NOT tell you. You had to find a call history of that woman being in touch with him or he would NOT have told you. He was keeping his resumed contact with the woman he CHEATED with a SECRET from you. A SECRET. And WHY? Because he knows it is WRONG. He knows it would UPSET YOU. He KNOWS he is straddling the line of cheating once again. And I will bet you this is his purpose. He might have fallen into a rut with you or have become bored or need another fix and she is very handy. He has the problem. Not you. He has issues within his own character that he NEEDS to do this. He cannot be fixed. It is NOT your responsibility to FIX HIM and BREAK YOURSELF in the process. He is only going to hurt you more. Destroy you more. He already did it once. Don't let him do it again. Because by keeping in touch with her, he has proven he cannot be trusted. You gave him your trust again. You forgave him. And this is how he repays you? By betraying you again? Because he IS betraying you just by keeping in touch with her. His intentions are no good. He will cheat with her. That is why he has her on the side. It is just a matter of time. Are you going to allow this? Stay there like a sitting duck just waiting for this to happen?
Let him have her. Tell him to have a nice life. Yes, you are going to hurt badly. Yes, you will regret your choice... for NOW. But you are going to be much better off without a CHEATER to bring you down to his level. He is just using whatever woman lets him use her. He is not ready for a mature, committed relationship. He might never be as long as he keeps chasing the "high."
I know you love him. This is what makes the decision so tough. But sometimes we need to break our own hearts in order to make our lives better and heal completely. Is it not better you break your heart before he does? Life is full of tough decisions. And why? Because no matter what choice you make, there are consequences. It is easier for people to remain in bad situations than face the truth. But the truth is what frees you. The truth is what you need to hear in order to find happiness. YOU WILL. With another guy. A guy who loves you. ONLY YOU. Who cherishes you. The man for whom no other woman exists because you are enough for him. Never let a man bring down your self esteem. Where you feel you are not good enough. IT IS HIM WHO IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You should never have to compete with any other woman. Your BF should always make you feel special and loved and irreplaceable. If you are not feeling this way, you are with the wrong guy.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (22 May 2016):
 You are not jealous but upset, and rightly so, that your BF is keeping in contact with a woman he should be running away from. His answer about casual talk about work is such a huge BS. Nobody casually talks with someone you have been cheating with. Frankly, you should not have forgiven him in the first place, drunk or not. Alcohol is not an absolving agent for him being a cheater. No good deed goes unpunished so as a result of your forgiveness, he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. I know that you did not ask what you should do with your BF, but I will answer that anyway: break up with him, because these sorts of things will be one repetitive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): So his words were he would just "be a dick" and ignore her when she contacts him...what he can't see is he is being a total DICK towards YOU for accepting her calls. You really believe it just so happened to start this week, and the calls were there when you needed to use his phone? I don't know your bf but I wouldn't be believing this story. He has no reason to stay friends with someone he briefly dated and even risked his relationship with. He's lucky to have you and should have ignored that woman.
Any man who would rather treat an ex better than he treats his current gf (because he wouldn't dream of being a dick to her, but is quite happy to be that towards you) is not worth having as a bf.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (22 May 2016):
 Find a new bf. He's an in considerate arsehole that is so in the WRONG. WRONG for cheating in the first place, WRONG for even accepting her call, WRONG for thinking its acceptable,WRONG for thinking you would be ok with it, WRONG for deciding that you should be ok with it and WRONG for putting her friendship above his relationship. You too, IMHO, WRONG for believing that this is or will ever be anything innocent. Sorry
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