A
female
age
30-35,
*weetcat
writes:I am a girl who is not confident about LOVE in a relationship. Now I meet a problem.It's really hard for me to write everything down here. I just need help!I've been in a relationship with a man for nearly a year. He's from other country and much older than me.I was in great depression when he stepped into my life. He helped me go through it and get me live better both materially and spiritually. He lighted my life and made me happy and see hope for life again. He taught me a lot about basic life skills and other things-he's much older than me. He comforts me when I am sad or crying. He's been trying to make me happy and study well and work well. I am a poor university student.I couldn't make enough money for living which means that i couldn't buy myself clothes sometimes. He always buy me this and that when he finds I need something. He calls me regularly to say hello to me(we can not meet each other very often because of work). He helped me get the current job which is easy and much more comfortable. He's done many things for me! I really appreciate it!And I really care for him. I would even feel hurt in heart when he cut himself when shaving. I think of him everyday. I miss him a lot! I always go to his place watching movies and enjoy life with him. I would always help clean the house every time. I've been feeling calm, happy, and hopeful when staying with him doing whatever we want or nothing. I am a shy girl actually and don't say much but do a lot to show my care for him. I love kissing him and hugging him. I enjoy giving him massage every night when I am with him. I do everything for him and feel that I can not live without him.We enjoy the time spent together.But problems still come.He asked me to keep the relationship between him and me because we are in the same school(lots of people would know the relationship and ask about it and there would be rumours about him and me-he is a foreign guy and I am a Chinese student and both live on campus) He doesn't want anyone on campus to know about the relationship and he told me that it's just about me and him, nothing to do with other people. Then I have to sneak into and out of his house everytime. Once we meet on campus, we have to pretend that we are just common friends. He's afraid of being seen with me hand in hand or having any intimate behaviours outside which I really don't understand.He's a foreign guy, much older than me, never married.He has lots of friends here, most of which are female. I do know he had sex with other women. I just don't mention it in front of him.Now I just don't understand why he does all these things. Do I really matter to him? Or is he just a playboy?
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kissing, money, shy, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sweetcat +, writes (29 June 2010):
sweetcat is verified as being by the original poster of the question hello Baddogbj ;) thank you again!
It's really funny and amazing that my name is the mirror image of yours!
You are really nice,kind,patient with me. What you said is really helpfu which is just what he mentioned once and has been bahaving. I really treasure him and love him. Now I know what to do. THANKS!
What you said is so moving and true that I've cried for a few times today. I didn't realise the truth you told me until now. Thanks again!
A
male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (29 June 2010):
 Sweetcat
Isn't it funny that your name is the mirror image of mine?
A relationship such as yours where there is love and care but no possibility of long term marriage can be a very beautiful thing but like a butterfly it is fragile and has only a short life. If you try to tie it down with too many words it will die before it should. The most important thing about an "affair" is how it ends. Like a piece of music it should end beautifully, leaving wonderful melodies in your head not anger or sadness.
"Enjoying & treasuring the time" is exactly the right thing to do. Try to make some happy memories together. Now that the summer vacation has started maybe you could take a trip somewhere together, get away from your university and go somewhere for a few days where you can be together without having to hide. Maybe go to LiJiang or somewhere like that to get away from the heat.
As a man, I'm sure that he is happy to have a beautiful younger girl as his lover. As an older man and hopefully a good man who knows that you cannot be together forever he wants to see you develop into a successful, happy woman so, he is helping you learn some new things, providing some material / financial help when you need it and trying to preserve your reputation so that the boys at your university don't think that you are a bad girl and that you have the opportunity to find a good boyfriend in the future.
Maybe I should not have said that there is a "high chance" that he is having sex with other girls. Maybe he is a better man than that. I hope so. What I meant to express is that, even if he is also having sex with other girls it does not mean that he does not care about you. Very few people on this forum will believe or understand that but I promise you that it can be true in the context and environment which exists in China.
I don't know your boyfriend's mind but I think that I do understand this situation. If I were him, what would I want to happen in the future for this relationship? I would want you to find a good young man who will treat you well and with whom you can be happy and build a life together, have a successful career and take advantage of all of the wonderful opportunities that China has to offer and have a child. But at the same time I would want you to know that you always have a friend who really cares about you and is willing and able to help you. I would want you to send me pictures of your wedding and of your baby when you have one. I would want to hear from time to time about the good things in your life and to help occasionally if you need it when you have bad times. And then in 30 or 40 years time, when you are a happy and successful woman, maybe even a grandmother already and you hear, somehow, that I have died, I would hope that you would go somewhere quiet and cry for a few minutes and think - that was a good man who brought happiness and good things into my life, I'm glad that I knew him.
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A
female
reader, sweetcat +, writes (29 June 2010):
sweetcat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Baddogbj ^^Thanks a lot for such a detailed explanation!I really appreciate it! Really thank you for spending your time on reading and replying my question.
Now it's easier for me to understand what he did ans is doing, but I am really not sure what kind of relationship I am having with him. I suppose it to be so-called boyfriend-girlfriend,but we've never talked about it, NEVER.
Both two of us don't believe in the marriage based on love. And we've never said I LOVE YOU! Is it a problem? What's more, we will not get married,of course. What I have been doing is enjoying and treasuring the time with him.
Actually I've been attached to him a lot,I feel. Because I think of him everyday and night which can be called MISS.
Why does he have such relationship with me and have sex with other women? How to explain it? Will he leave me very easily which of course would tear me down?
I tried to talk about this with him, but failed because I am too shy.
It's rather difficult for me to end this relationship now.
I am confused and deperate sometimes. I don't know what i've been looking for here about me and him. Maybe it is just a comfort that he cares.
Thank you again!
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A
male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (28 June 2010):
Sweetcat
Why does he do these things? He does these thing because he thinks you are lovely, because he enjoys having sex with you, because he genuinely cares about you and wants to help you improve your life but he has NO intention and NO possibility of marrying you.
By keeping your relationship a secret he is trying to protect both of you. Having a relationship with a student is probably against university policy in which case he could lose his job. Even if he didn't lose his job he would make enemies amongst his Chinese colleagues and amongst some of the students. He is also trying to protect you because he knows that people would say very negative things about you. Many of the young men at your university will have quite strong nationalistic ideals and many of them will not be having much sex themselves, they are sexually frustrated. If they knew that you were having a relationship with a foreign professor some of them would say very unpleasant things about you. I have heard some Chinese boys and men say that they would never have as their girlfriend or wife a girl who had slept with a foreigner. It is a sad and stupid attitude but it is a reality.
It is hard for a foreign man not to be a bit of a playboy in China and I think that there is a high chance that your friend is having sex with other girls but your friend does care about you and is trying to look after you and your reputation.
I would warn you however that these things are much harder to keep a secret than you think. When I first met my wife in Beijing 14 years ago we both worked for the same company so we tried hard to keep things secret - she even once spent 3 hours inside a cupboard in my house when my boss suddenly appeared at my house for a telephone meeting in the evening. But when we finally became open we discovered that everybody knew already.
I think that it would be a good idea for you to plan to end your relationship with him soon before you become too attached to him.
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