A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is going to be pretty long, I apologize. But if you are willing to read this I appreciate any advice. This isn't exactly easy for me to handle. I've never been good with relationships or dealing with my feelings, I think mostly because I've only had one girlfriend and it didn't end well. But anyways, I don't know if I'm in love with her, but I have feelings for my best friend, I want to be with her, except she has been engaged for well over a year.Here's the situation in detail.I've known her for about 6 years, when I met her we were freshmen in high school and she was dating a best friend of mine. Well I hung out with them every day at school and spent a lot of time with them outside of school as well. As I got to know her more, I developed a crush for her, but she was my friends girlfriend and I'm way too principled to do anything to get in between their relationship. They broke up after about three years, by that time it wasn't just a crush anymore. I knew that I wanted to go out with her, so I asked her on a date. But much to my disappointment she rejected me saying that I was like a brother to her. I did luckily get a girlfriend not too long after, but my feelings for her never disappeared. She started dating another guy, one that I have met in 7th grade, who coincidentally was a new guy who started to bully me. Although he didn't know I wasn't the kid to mess with back then. So she started dating him, and while I was already rejected, I went along with being the friend. By this time we are in a community college, and so I began to hang out with her and this guy who I hated, only for her sake. I started to get to know him more and I actually began to like him the more I did. He turned out to not be such a bad guy, even though in high school he was a womanizing douche. Being with her actually changed him and I know this because I accepted his offer to be his roommate for a while, about six months I believe. It was pretty great for the most part, he became a good friend. The bad part was that because of all of this, she was around a lot more, and my feelings grew more, especially considering we had two classes together and spent the days at the college together. Two to four days a week we were together all day long, and my feelings for her grew stronger. by this time me and my girlfriend have broken up and we tried to be friends again, so I asked her for some advice. I have had stronger feelings for her and even a dream that she kissed me, I felt incredibly guilty about it and didn't know what to do. Well my roommate, also her fiance by this point, noticed the messages on my computer as it was still on my email when I let him use it (stupid me). So there was an issue to be settled, and we were very civilized about it. No yelling or fighting, just talked it out calmly.This is where things get confusing for me, I was actually ok with keeping everything to myself, it was sustainable. But what she said made me wonder about a lot. I remember it word for word. "When you asked me out after me and (friend's name) broke up, the truth is I didn't say yes because I didn't want to risk our friendship for it." This is all that she had to say about the situation, no acknowledgement of the dream, or any comment about the feelings I had for her. Only about the time I asked her out. The way she said it sounded like I actually still have a chance and she actually has feelings for me. I never had any indicator that she might have feelings for me before, so obviously I started freaking out about whether she does or not. It's been awhile since then, and I have moved back to my parents house, not by my own choice mind you. I just had no where to go. But anyways in the present situation that I am in, I'm living at my parents, going to school still, no job, no car, almost broke, and with little idea of what kind of future I have for myself. She also lives with her parents, has a job, and is still engaged to the same guy. He has a job, a car, and is well paid for what he does. I don't know if I am in love with her. I don't know if she has feelings for me. I don't even know if I can provide better for her better than him in the future.All I know is that what I feel is that I want to be with her. No matter what happens I want to make sure she is happy every day, because I love to see her smile. I know that if we were together we would be a good couple. I know that right now I don't seem like much being jobless and borderline broke. They have been engaged for over a year and a half and it doesn't seem like it's going anywhere for them. I have always been against getting in between relationships but I'm getting to the point to where I have to tell her because I hate lying to her. I can't be around her or him without feeling so horrible that I feel this way for her. I've been avoiding them for awhile because I'm afraid I'll just come out with it and say something I'll regret. I don't know what to do and it's not going to go away on it's own. I need some advice on whether I should keep this to myself, or be honest with her.
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female
reader, Leannee +, writes (4 January 2013):
 To me it seems like this girl is confused as to who she wants to be with. The thing she sent you definitely sounds like to me that she does have feelings for you. I say dive in for it! You're never going to know the truth as to how she truly feels unless you sit down with her face to face and make her come out and be truthful and say more to you than she did before. All these people on here can guess her feelings and what's happening. But my advice is don't believe what people say about her and what she's doing. Only she knows what she's doing and how she feels. Just listen to the advice people give you on what to do about the situation. You should definitely talk to her about it. If you don't it’s just going to sit there in the back of your head and haunt you and you'll just stay in this position you're in now. If it does come to it that she doesn't want any romantic relationship with you then so be it. Don't push it because that can ruin your friendship. If it is a no, then that's better (and not) for you. You would know what to do and you could start trying to get over her. Also, if it does turn out to be a no then the best thing to do to get her off your mind is find someone new. Someone who makes you feel so special and just feels like the right one for you. It will help you forget about her in that sort of way. It takes time and determination, but it helps. But, if it comes to a yes (crosses fingers for you that is does) then the weight is off of your shoulders and you no longer have to worry about her finance and what to do about the situation. Then you can finally start getting things to work out between y'all two. You'll feel so proud of yourself no matter what the outcome will be. It will make you feel so much better. I wish the best of luck to you!! ((:
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 She is playing you both. It doesn't matter if their relationship is going nowhere. She is engaged to him. If she has feelings for you she should break off the engagement and come clean to him. She can have feelings for you but not necessarily the kind that will lead into a romantic relationship, but feelings that do hinder her devotion to her fiancee nonetheless. You yourself were having a relationship with a "girlfriend" while developping feelings for her. Neither one of you have a secure footing in your relationships. It makes it hard to trust one another based on your relationship history. She may not want to be your girlfriend but she likes the attention that she may not be getting from her fiancee.
Not accepting a date for fear of risking friendship has got to be the biggest bullshit there is. When you upgrade a friendship into a relationship you become more secure, you are each other's best friends and more, and there is nothing to lose. Her line succeeded in keeping you on a hook.
She knows that you have feelings for her but she is not acting on them, nor does she expect you to act on them. After all it is not too hard to break off an engagement that apparently is going nowhere, something you hope. If she is staying engaged it means she loves him somehow. Or maybe she likes him for his money and this is not something you can control.
If you do lose your cool and confess your feelings and she says no. Then you have to break off this friendship otherwise you would just be going around and around in circles, or until she gets married to him and you would have no choice to back off. I do think that you want to tell her to lift your burden. Fake engagement or real engagement, I still think you should keep it to yourself otherwise you risk disrespecting their union.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): TO me you should tell her, because if you dont you WILL regret this. Let her know you have feelings for her and that these are real and they wont go away. And about the no car and no job thing, if she loves you she will not care cause all she would want is you. Now you said she said what she said in a tone. If thats the case MAYBE just maybe she feels alittle the same way. You never know until you take a chance! :)
P.S. Good luck in which ever path you take.
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