A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a wonderful man, Bill, for 6 years. He is very caring, kind, romantic and good to me. The problem is that I see no change of status in sight – he has no intention of moving in anytime soon and doesn’t mention marriage. I guess I need to know if I’m being a fool because I may be in a dead end relationship. Other facts: he dated his last girlfriend for 10 years before he broke it off with her, he gets sullen or angry when I bring up moving in with me, he doesn’t include me in his life with his boys (20 and 23) and doesn’t want to spend any time with my kids (11 and 13). He rarely talks to my kids, is very quiet around them and is not really friendly to him. His explanation for not wanting to live together has been that he needs to be with his 20 yr old son (the older one left for school about 5 years ago), but I started doubting his reasoning when his son would be gone for the night, and he’d stay home alone. Currently, we see each other Friday and Sunday night and Wednesday for supper (my kids are with their Dad and his son goes out on the weekend). When I’ve gotten angry about our situation, he may stay over extra nights but it then dwindles back down to the two nights. His son does not plan on moving out anytime soon: he lives there free, holds parties there, doesn’t have many chores, Bill makes supper for him, doesn’t have to pay many of his own bills ie. insurance, doesn’t have to pay back loaned money) and really has a good life there with no reason to leave. Sometimes I wonder if Bill is providing too many incentives to him to stay.I need to know if I am hanging on to this relationship too long. I love him, but I feel that it may be leading to years of painful heartache since I often feel unwanted and spend too many nights alone. I already feel that the anger and hurt that I’m carrying inside is damaging the relationship. I think that if we keep going on like this, the anger is just going to keep building up in me, and ruin how I feel about him and us.I need to know what to do now. I have 3 ideas:1. As much as it would hurt to do so, I sometimes think that I should give him space to think about what he wants. The relationship is set up the way he wants, and he has no reason to change it. The problem is that I don’t want him to be with me only because I pressured him into it. I don’t want to ever wonder if he really wants to be with me – now or in years to come. I want him to not only say “You’re the greatest woman I’ve ever known, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life”, but also mean it. 2. My other option is to talk to him about what I want, make a plan for the future and an agreement so I know there’s an end. I would rather he come up with what he would be willing to do knowing what I want.3. My other option is for us to seek counselling. I know he wouldn’t want to go.
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female
reader, april1116 +, writes (17 November 2009):
 honey, just be reading the first part of the story yea you are wasting your time and energy he is not gonna marry you and frankly doesnt have intentions on doing so. i mean you should have looked at his previous relationship and seen that coming. let it go hun unless you like it and seems to me you don't so let him go and find someone who will marry you and wants to spend time with you and you kids you know so just think about it stop being so gullible okay. good Luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): Your Bf just isnt the marrying type. You said yorself that he was in a relationshi for 10 years. He is happy with things the way they are and wont change them.
I think it i syou that need to make a decision that you have been putting off for way too long. are you ok with just being the gf or is it time to find someone new.
I think you already know the answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): It sounds like he uses his children (who are actually adults, by the way) as an excuse to keep you at arm's length. My advice is to ask him where he sees your relationship going in the next year or so. If you don't like his answer, find someone who wants the same future that you want - and someone who loves your kids as much as you do.
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