A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 14 years old - nearly 15. I would like to think of myself of being exceedingly mature for my sge (if slightly unbalanced!) I know that every single person on here is going to scream at me when I say this, but I will anyway - I tend to go for men alot older than myself, and for who love is forbidden for many reasons. Let's just say my past 'boyfriends' have included my married art teacher (whose wife is now pregnant - not than I could care less anymore) and the 23-year-old brother of my estranged dad's abusive long-term girlfriend. I have a multitude of problems, as people like to call it - I am autistic, dyslexic and have OCD, I find it impossible to relate to people my own age and have therefore been bullied for my entire school life (I now attend a 6th form college), I've lived all over the place, I was anorexic for 3 years, I was abused my my stepfather, was the daughter of a teenage mother etc lets just say the list goes onA few months ago I started talking to a guy who is 17, nearly 18 on Facebook. Or rather - he started talking to me. I did know him, as he reminded me. We went on a theatre trip together in January. But to be honest I had completely forgotton him what with everything else.He started messaging me on a regular basis, telling me how much he missed talking to me and thought I was an amazingly 'crazy cool' person, 'just like him', and I always seemed to ignore him. After a while (although still in a relationship with my art teacher at the time and therefore not interested in him) I decided to response and agreed to meet up with him at college. We began to talk on a regular basis, both at lunchtimes, during free lessons, on the phone, on MSN, everything really. After I had known him for about a week we had an argument one evening. As a result of this I told him that I was fed up of always falling in love with people for who my love was not or could not be recipriocated - to which he told me he would not have started talking to me if it wasn't in his case. He then told me that I was the only person in England he could trust (he boards at the college ... has lived in seven different countries ... currently Australia) and he had 'the urge to' tell me things - before explaining that he was also autistic, had been raped at the age of 9 and was until recently abused by his father. I was stunned but decided to stand by him, as such. For the next few weeks we continued to see eachother every day and have online conversations which would be considered flirtatious.However, I wanted more.So I decided to make my feelings more obvious. I began to phone him more often, and last Saturday I actually went to the college to see him. He didn't seem to have any problem with this, in fact he actually came and sat with me for almost an hour and kept hugging me, that sort of thing.However on the evening of he behaved in a way that was very new to me.He told me that I was 'physically, emotionally and intellectually immature' (I hasten to add this isn't true!) and would 'never, ever, date someone more than two years younger than him'Also that I was 'too clingy'He then send me the following messages:your asking too much from me. I have so much to deal with and I know thats not your problem... but I cant give you everything that you need. Which makes me feel bad. Im just so exhausted at the moment and while I wish I could be there for you Im too spread out. Like today for instance. I was really touched that you came to see me...and I wished I had the time to just go for a walk with your for a couple of hours and just talk but I couldnt cause I had to do maths for my exam on thursday and it just makes me feel bad generally.You're a friend but to me youre a younger friend someone I like to see occasionally but not spend alot of time with... I have people my age that I need to socialise and trust me thats enough trouble as it is'That just doesn't make sense to me. It's the fact that he first tells me that he DOES want a relationship, but doesn't feel able to.Then that he doesn't feel that way about me at all.This was a week ago. I felt suicidal at first, but now feel okay again. He has tried to contact me a few times but I have mostly ignored him - on the one occasion I didn't he just went on about his stupid maths exam and didn't even bother to apoligise or talk about what he had said.The problem is I still love him, despite all my friends (who are in many cases his friends) telling my to forget about him.I was talking about I with a few of them on Monday who informed me that he was 'wierd', 'depressed' had 'no self-confidence' and had actually told both of them the alledged secrets about his past (being raped, abused by his father)He's clearly very mixed up emotionally - he isn't close to his family- he has no real friends - I want to help him but I feel so awkward and angry with himWhat should I do?
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anorexic, bullied, different countries, facebook, flirt, immature, msn, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): I wouldn't say I'm delicate; just a little melodramatic.
I'd love to hear what you've got to say.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): Hi Miss anonymous 14year old,
It's difficult to know what to say to you. Usually when I come across 14year old girls who play around with older men, and try to destroy their marriages I'm usually quiet harsh and say exactly what I believe. But you are very delicate and in your own words "unsteady", so I have to watch what I say so I don't drive you to suicide by being unkind.
Please don't self harm, don't hurt yourself and try not to get too upset when I say your boyfriend was right to say that your 'physically, emotionally and intellectually immature"
Are you ok, I dare not say more, since knowing your history, and your "multitude of problems", I am scared of your reaction, (no matter how kindly meant) to what I have to say. Please update to reassure me that your ok by what I have said so far, and if your strong enough for me to continue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): I'm not severely dyslexic, not really at all anymore - it's only certain words I mix up - mainly I have dycalcula (dyslexia in relation to numbers)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): If there's one thing that stick out a mile here, it's the fact that your question is written in a very concise, lucid manner, yet you say you are dyslexic. I find it very difficult to believe that, unless someone else wrote this question for you.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (14 June 2008):
 Do you hear me screaming at you? Not at all. Many girls find older men attractive. I would only mention, as forcefully as I can without putting you off reading the rest of what I have to say, that emotions and understanding of people and relationships is only in the very beginnings while you are in your early teens - which is why in the UK you can neither marry nor have sex legally until you are 16. Emotional and sexual decisions made at an earlier age have a nasty habit of going horribly wrong.
So let's have a quick look at this man you have an interest in. "He's clearly very mixed up emotionally.... he has no real friends". Ah.
And how did it make you feel when he started to give you mixed and contradictory messages? Suicidal, you said.
It's really not good, is it?
I fully understand that you empathise with him - because some of his problems are very closely related or even the same as those you yourself have experienced. You know how difficult these things can be. That immediately puts you on the same wavelength as he is.
Look, I could talk all around this for paragraphs and paragraphs until you were thoroughly bored but possibly convinced. I'm going to give you the shortened version instead: You sound like a strong person right now. You've conquered the worst of your own problems - I can see that from your writing. You are literate, intelligent, and you can put together a good, strong argument. You aren't daft. You most obviously are not "emotionally and intellectually immature", but what you crave, I think, is a strong figure in your life - which is primarily why you go for older men. That's not necessarily bad, as long as you wait a little until it's legal, otherwise it WILL end in disaster. What you really don't need is someone who has just the same problems you are now beginning to handle yourself. And, worse, someone who is going to mess with your head. You can't go round helping lame ducks, and more importantly you shouldn't go around mistaking empathy for the basis of a relationship.
It's absolutely obvious to me that you are a very much better person than someone who ought to be looking at a relationship like this with a person like this.
I think you should set your sights much higher - much, much higher.
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