A
female
age
36-40,
*oetry
writes:Where to start...I am a bisexual woman. I'm 23 this year and have been in a live-in, but unmarried, committed relationship with a man for four years. We have a child together now, a wonderful toddler daughter. She is my life, and really, everything I do will always be in her best interest. But I have never been ready to marry him.Shortly after I met him and we got together, I was working in a bar at the local bowling alley. A new girl had come to work there, and I was in charge of helping her out. She was obviously, proudly gay - and heartbreakingly beautiful, inside and out. But, she was 16, and I was 19, and I was in a relationship already. We became close friends, but it took no time at all before we found we were crazy about each other. However, we knew it was "wrong" so, after being honest with my boyfriend about the feelings, decided to put it out of our heads and just stay friends while I continued my commitment to my boyfriend. She wrote me letters, over and over, telling me how she would wait for mine in the mail... That they smelled like me, how I was one of very few people she really cared about. My heart ached every time. We also got together to hang out sometimes, but always respected our choice to not pursue anything beyond friendship. Admittedly, though, I always felt such a strong spark when I was around her.Fast forward to my pregnancy, and my boyfriend and I moved into our own place without roommates. I didn't see my female friend again until the baby was 4 months old, and we got together for coffee. It was very awkward and brief. We didn't see each other again until a couple weeks ago, when I had realized I could not stop thinking about her and I was dying to see her. She came over and we went to dinner, where I made the serious mistake of blabbing my feelings. I couldn't get her off my mind. For at least two weeks she was all I could think about. And I found, in a moment of both dizzying bliss and tremendous guilt, that she felt the same. She had always harbored the same feelings. But again, I told her I needed to do the right thing and stay with my family, and she was angry at first. Saying if I am miserable, it would not be in my child's best interest, and I see her point. But what is going to make me miserable is what I'd ask myself. The next day, she had gotten over her anger and agreed it made the most sense that I stay and we should try to continue our friendship again. And the day after, she wrote to me telling me about these other two women she had dated and which one she was getting back with. I was so hurt, angry, confused, I lost it. I thought my feelings for her were a phase, but they weren't. I couldn't eat for two weeks and I lost 12 pounds. I was sick to my stomach and she could not answer my questions about everything that was said because she said, in these circumstances, it wouldn't be fair to her to tell me. I wrote her long messages telling her how much I thought of her, how I had considered leaving the life I have and becoming a lesbian mother for her, how I could go about doing so without traumatizing my child with sudden change, how I longed to kiss her and just finally be free to explore my long-harbored feelings, even though neither of us would want to be in a serious relationship right now.She stopped talking to me. She blocked my IMs, won't write or send messages, won't call or answer calls. It's been days. Finally I gave up as I had acted pathetic enough already desperately trying to contact her... But I don't know why she won't talk to me - she either really dislikes me or really likes me, but I can't tell which. It's tearing me apart. I feel for her, I can't lie. I need her. It's wrong and reckless because of where we are in our lives, but I can't help it. She had said to someone that she doesn't talk to certain people for being creepy, which just rips me to SHREDS wondering if she was talking about me. I thought she felt the same! I'm only human...So what do I do? Why do you think she won't talk to me? Do I just wait and see if she ever contacts me again? This is torture.
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female
reader, poetry +, writes (3 April 2008):
poetry is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hannah, sorry I haven't left an update in a while. Thank you for your response!
Basically, she still has not spoken a word to me. I've made a fool of myself trying to get her to. I still have no clue if she thinks I am a creep or if she did it because it hurt everybody too much for us to communicate.
My boyfriend and I have become closer and worked through a lot f this over the past month, and I am so glad to have him and out wonderful daughter, but inside I still feel very strongly for the woman. I still think of her when I go to sleep at night, and feel an aura of melancholy at her absence everyday. Believe me, I am trying not to, but as guilty and ungrateful as I feel about it I still cannot help my feelings. At first they started to fade, but they come back just when I think I'm getting over it. It's been so long since she'd talk to me, it almost feels like she was never even real. Some kind of bittersweet dream.
I have accepted that my feelings for her are reckless and futile under these circumstances, and that being with her, ever, is most likely not even a possibility anymore. I have a great life with great people and am very fortunate to be loved. Despite all of these amazing things, though, I still can't help the way I feel. It's like a shameful secret weighing heavy on my heart deep inside. But when I am alone, and I dredge it up, I feel the bliss and beauty of it, of her, until I remember that she's gone. I know I just have to let go now, but I don't know when I will be able to actually do that and not just ignore or deny it.
I am interested to hear your advice. Thank you.
A
female
reader, poetry +, writes (13 March 2008):
poetry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will keep updates, thanks for your help! So far the issue is that I am not feeling affectionate towards my boyfriend at all. I love him to death but I am not attracted to him at all. I feel bad but I am working on passing it if it is a phase (it has happened before). As far as the woman, well I see now that I don't NEED HER as I said in the original question, though I am still hurt, confused and sad about it all. If nothing else, I wish she would at least tell me how she really feels and why she stopped talking to me. She keeps leaving hints places where I can see the, very vague but questionable, about what she thinks of the way I acted, and they seem negative. But I admit I could just be reading too deep in my fear that she thinks poorly of me now after I acted so embarrassingly desperate.
What matters though is my daughter, first are foremost. Whether it's separating from her father, dating women, or just becoming a single mom. If I am unhappy she is going to feel that and I want to set an example that one must be true to their self. I'm just still so confused and I don't really know what I want. I'm not going to act on impulse because I always end up regretting that when I do, and I have my kid to consider now as well.
Thanks again for your help, I will update as I get answers or from time to time if I haven't gotten one.
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A
female
reader, poetry +, writes (13 March 2008):
poetry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCupidsArrow, thanks for your response! I am finding this feedback interesting because I am seeing now that maybe she was trying to do something respectful rather than cold. I am not ashamed of my sexuality and I do not think that being a lesbian mother would be harmful to my child. It is the trauam of suddenly being away from her father (or at least not around him as much as she's used to) and also the trauma of moving, being away from what she is used to and having new people in her life suddenly. She's still young so that kind of adjustment would be hard for her. It had nothing to do with lesbian parents, just to clarify. :)Thanks so much for your help!
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A
female
reader, poetry +, writes (13 March 2008):
poetry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShaboozie, thanks for your honest and helpful answer. I am not religious, but I am indeed grateful and fortunate to have someone as devoted and kind as my boyfriend in my life. He's really been, well, much beyond what anyone could expect from a person in these circumstances.
If this woman I spoke of was in fact removing her influence selflessly, she had the right idea. Each day that we don't talk I let go a little more. I've been able to focus on my boyfriend, and his efforts, more than dwelling on the situation with her. I have days where I still miss her dearly, but the reality of the situation is starting to sink in. I was horribly depressed for a week or two there, but I am starting to feel much better and thankfully, can focus on being the best parent I can be for my little girl, whether short-term or long-term.
Any advice from anyone is still welcomed and would be appreciated greatly. Sometimes it really helps to get the opinions of others for perspective. Thanks again, Shaboozie!
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A
female
reader, shaboozie +, writes (13 March 2008):
Honestly i think she loves you but you went back and forth on your decision to many time and she doesnt know what you want or if you are even sure about your feelings for her.She doesnt want to get hurt by someone that she cares about as much as she cares about you. She is letting you make the decision on your own without her influence and eventually she will come around or you will find her and everything will be ok. right now i suggest you worry about your babygirl and praise god that you have a boyfriend who loves you enough to supportyou no matter how bad it hurts him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): This is the person who asked the question... I just wanted to add, I have been honest with my boyfriend about all of this, and he is trying to support me to make the best decision... Also, I have never cheated on him with ANYONE. Most importantly, my child is priority above everything in my life. Just wanted some perspective...
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