A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:when me and my boyfriend started dated we made it very clear what we expect from each other. Together we made the commitment to be a christian couple and live that kind of life. I just had a baby with him and he asked me to marry him, i said yes, but now i am regretting it. He promised me he would never watch porn because he thinks its gross and because I told him i consider that cheating. I found 6 pages of it on his phone the other day and i was devestated. at first he lied about it, then he finally said he tried typing in something in google and that just popped up and he clicked on it, but tried getting out of it right away. I know hes lying a purposefully looked it up because you dont just "accidentally" type in porn. also, i found "blonde bombshells" as one of the pages, and i know hes really attracted to blonde women. he honestly expects me to believe he accidentally stumbled upon blond bombshells. bottom line is it hurts me and he keeps getting really mad at me for bringing it up, he doesnt think its a big deal, but i have low self esteem especially from just having a baby. what should i do?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 March 2013):
 Firstly, there's something wrong with this picture... you both agreed to be a Christian couple? I assume that means following a good sound well disciplined life yet you're going to have a baby, then get married. Secondly, did you expect a one-sided agreement? Only he can't be naughty?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 March 2013):
 so much I wanted to say (delete delete delete)
OP, if you find porn unacceptable you will need to find a man who finds it unacceptable as well.
Basically you told him NO PORN and he agreed.
Now he broke the rule and to keep you happy he lied.
you have your choice here..
you can accept he looks at porn (and just because he looks at blondes does not mean you are not attractive to him or he does not desire you, my husband likes to look at young asian ladies in porn, I am not young or asian and I know my husband loves me)
if you can't accept he will look at porn then you need to end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (24 March 2013):
 The problem with unrealistic expectations is that they are unrealistic. He should not be lying to you, and if that's a big deal, sure, re-look at the relationship. Incidentally, that's the advise I'd give your boyfriend as well.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (23 March 2013):
 Are you two less sexually active?My guess is that if you recently had a baby, the answer is no. If he's as young as you are (18-21), expecting him to remain celibate for a stretch of time is expecting too much (and it that isn't necessarily just because he's a man).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): I am not going to sugar coat an answer to make everyone happybecause I was just dropped told why and shown the door. If I was in your shoes I would ask him why he looked at porn? Then ask yourself if this a suitable answer? Seek a resolution to the issue that is bothering you. If he loves you and wants to marry you then both of you should seek counsellors help for couples. My question to you about the porn was it degrading or humiliating women in any way? Was it sex between consenting couples? Was it orgies? Was it sex among multiple partners? Your going to be asked in counselling what upset you other than your future husband was looking at porn? Yes and I understand your a Christian. If this behaviour is entrenched in him it will be difficult to continue a relationship and having to take a back seat to a blonde bimbo in cyber land is really difficult. You decide. If you really are a Christian then you may have to hit the road and start looking at different Christian dates sites for your man.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (23 March 2013):
 Hi
Well as you 2 aren't yet married,already have a baby and find he has looked at porn,then lied,you have a problem as none of that shouts I am a christian.
I think your just vulnerable after the birth,its a big thing for you both,a new baby and all the changes,hormones etc.
Lets face it looking at porn is *not* cheating and looking at it on his phone isn't even like watching a big screen TV or PC.As he lets you have access to his phone then he wasn't hiding or deleting the viewed pages.
If you cannot find it in you to forgive or forget,if he continues to look at porn or you suspect he will,then end it and go it alone with your baby
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 March 2013):
 Heh, yeah, a couple living a Christian way of life wait to have sex until marriage. You can't pick and choose if you're calling your life Christian. That being said, porn has nothing to do with cheating. You have a right not to like it, and he should be honest with you instead of lie about it, but his looking at blonde bombshells doesn't mean that he prefers you less.
You just had a baby, so your emotions and hormones and your lack of sleep has you raw to say the least. Don't make any decisions or any reactions while you're vulnerable like this, or it'll be one big rollercoaster with no good ending for you. You and he should talk things out, without the both of you getting really mad at each other.
He has no business getting mad if he lied to you. He was looking at porn, so he might as well give up the crap. And in return, understand that he doesn't love you less. In the end, it is a compatibility issue, so it's in your court whether or not you wish to continue with a guy who uses porn or not. Don't get hung up on lying/honesty. The issue is whether his looking at porn is a deal-breaker. If it is, then you have to continue on alone. If it is not, then understand that porn has nothing to do with you. He's not comparing, or wishing he has something better than you, or anything else. It doesn't work that way. It's a visual vibrator, nothing more.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (23 March 2013):
AS you are regretting saying yes when he asked you to marry him.Maybe it would be wise for you to take more TIME.to reconsider. He knows that it upsets you when you fine out that he has been watching porn.This is very unfair on you and selfish on his part Would you consider asking him to go with you to a counsellor.Best Wishes NORA B.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 March 2013):
 What you need to do is be HONEST with yourself.....
1. "Christian" couples do NOT have children, THEN decide that they might want to marry...... You are being hypocritical about your (and B/F's) "Christianity"...
2. That detail de-bunked..... you need to understand that his looking at pornographic material is ALSO NOT "Christian"... as well... so he's hoodwinked you.... and you have the proof (a baby) to show that he did....
My advice? Dump him... then start making plans on how to resume your life as a SINGLE Mother.... and start looking at a REAL "Christian" life....
Good luck....
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