A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I ended a 20 year marriage over a year ago because my exhusband was often very difficult to talk to. He never really got on with our children either for the same reasons. I felt confused for many years being a very young mum and married too young to know any different, but I became strong eventually and left.My children now don't bother talking with their dad or visit him because of his lack of support in all kinds of ways, and this upsets him greatly. He has seen, finally, why his behaviour is unacceptable to us only just recently and sees how happy our children are and settled now that their are no arguments or bad atmospheres, if there are any disagreements these days its no where near as bad.I invite him over for dinner or cup of tea to try to keep friendly for his sake but he tends to complain about the children, they are 23, 19 and 13 so not young really! but he finds something to complain about them whether its because they've spoken in a disrespectful way to me (sometimes its just teasing) or him or they just not washed up in a while, he just makes a big deal outof everything. Yeserday he was here for a meal with the children and carried on getting agitated about things and was telling me in the kitchen what he thought of them and they could hear (i was told later) what he was saying to me.I don't know how to deal with him, he wants us all to get back as a family again and live together but the children would not like me for it. But i do love and care for my ex and i feel jealous if he sees another woman but yet i don't have any feelings of lust for him anymore after this long time apart. He only wants to be with me and no one else.He has no friends to speak of and no family living locally, he's very lonely, which makes me feel worse as he is incredibly depressed. I think he has a very depressive personality, going so far as to say he's manic and unpredictable. Next year if we don't get back together he'll go and live about 200 miles away near his sister to start again and will back away from our childrens lives. This saddens me but i don't think our children would be too upset.I also feel lonely, whilst he has come back in my life a few months ago i have found myself shunning my family and friends again as i used to when married. I know its not good for me to get back with him but i feel he may do something stupid with feeling so depressed and i couldn't live with that. I feel i want to care for him with his depression he hardly sleeps with crying and thinking and then gets angry with me, but he doesn't realise how he talks pushes us all away.sorry its a long one i'm so confused.
View related questions:
depressed, get back together, jealous, my ex, teasing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): He needs to fundamentally change and you are not the person to change him - he has to do that himself. In some way you are keeping him depressed because you are in contact with him in a nurturing way feeling sorry for him and this makes him want more of that, so he stays depressed. Its odd but maybe you should say to him that you want him to be happy again, have energy for life and have some 'fire in his belly'. If at that point of self-healing he wants to be more in contact with you then you will benefit from it and so will your relationship - but not until and he needs to take responisbility for himself. At the moment he is draining you and you are supporting his depression.
A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (8 April 2008):
 First of all, you shouldn't be feeling bad about what seems to me like the right decision. There's quite a lot going on here so I won't patronise you by attempting to answer all of it. What I will say is that I left my ex about six months ago because I, like you, realised there was something not right. I became myself again and started seeing family, going out with friends and things. My ex also suffers from depression and again is similar to your ex. And yes, because of the guilt/care or whatever you want to call it, I will see her now and again, stay over etc.Thing is, you will (and I won't) EVER be able to move on until you get past this stage. You can't go on feeling as if you have to be there for him-no matter how hard he says it is-and never, ever, feel guilty about how you 'make' him feel...it's not fair on you and so not right!Somehow, sometime, you have to stand by your decision fully, if not, you risk getting sucked back in-I try to remember that I simply can't go back there for my own sake...maybe that will help you too...It's not easy and there will be loads of excuses and reasons, but in my opinion, you should try to make as clean a complete break as you can-for your sake, and for his-what you may be doing is sending the wrong signals.I really do wish you well-all I need to do now is put what I preach into practice-not as easy as it sound tho'-it does get lonely I know, but you deserve better!best of luck x
...............................
|
