A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok, this is strange one. what have i done!! this is even weird and awkward for me to type but... for years ive been really anxious and worried about what happened to me and my sister when we were young. i was about 12 and she about 6. we played 'doctors and nurses' for want of a better phrase and i instigated touching a few times. i didn't think too much of it, naturally i knew it was wrong but it just seemed like childish behaviour and i put it down to a strange pubescent sexual curiosity. as i got older i realised how weird this was and it has really bothered me as i obviously have no intentions or feelings like that - it was just something childish that happened. however because i was so worried about it i thought my sister probably was too and thought maybe i should bring it up a couple of years ago even though i was 23 and she 17. so i just mentioned it and it was really akward and quiet-she then later got really upset and was crying etc and people were wondering what was wrong. i think i made it a hundred times worse. was that the stupidest idea ever?-I forget about it it for a while but then the searing guilt and anxiety comes back and it's impossible to bare - i don't know what to do!? i feel so awful now and how must she feel!!!!?I know i am a dweller and i feel i am ruining my life with thoughts of the past and i am riddled with complexes - i am terrified that i have ruined things for my sister and who knows what complexes or problems i may have created for her?. I love my family more than anything and the thought that i could have done something like this to someone i love so much is crippling. what shall i do? i can't keep feeling like this! please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lotus mama808  +, writes (15 May 2009):
 a some have said, "secret play" is supercommon for children, and it is natural. With that being said, as we grow older and realize exactly what "secret play" means, we have been taught that it is wrong, which it is. I am a female, and have had 2 male family members instigate "secret play" when we were very young, and now that I am older and undrstand how children are (having 3 kids), I know that it wasnt a scarring, rape situation, it was little boys being curious. I think it's gross and extreamly akward, but I don't hate these faily members for it. I also know (without them saying it) that they now know that it wasnt right, but can it be undone? No. We just move forward and leave it in the past. There is no need to bring it up. Now I have a son who has been caught engaging in "secret play", and I have had the discussion with him concerning what behavior is acceptable and what isnt. I have also made it clear to him that if he has any questions about little girls and little boys' body part, ect., he can always come to me and ask. Since then he has. So, use that experience you had as a kid towards your own children (when and if you have them), and don't beat yourself up about it. Your sister will forgive you, let her know that you meant nothing by it, you were just a kid, and you'd do anything to take it back if you could.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): Your intentions were good, as far as wanting to bring it up. However, something so delicate as that is should be addressed with professional support to guide you through it. Although she may have had no concious memory of it, you bringing it up may have answered some unexplained questions in the back of her mind.
You can't undo what has already been done. But you can follow up by seeing a counselor. I think it is important for you to do so. For your sake as well as hers!
I wish you luck and strength to get through this!
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (15 May 2009):
 Oh dear,
In actuality, I think you are right in the respect that your initial action was simply out of curiosity. I think that it is more common than most people think.
And it may be safe to say that your sister may have felt the same things. But that is a natural response for someone who may have been surprised by the conversation.
In this case I see that you have a few options.
Realize that you both are very young. Also try to understand that she may also be harboring the same thoughts. So the first option would be to give it some time. and then perhaps in a calm manner explain your feelings and at the same time query your sister as to if she has ever had the same thoughts. Blood is thicker than water, and in this case neither of you did anything wrong, so I would approach it in this manner.
Now you may also think about this. Since you say you are having some depressing thoughts over this, is there affordable counseling near you? It is something that may in deed help you to feel better if you can explore the reasons for your guilt and anxiety.
All in all, I really would say that you can easily fix it if you BOTH put some effort into it.
Please let us know how things turn out.
All the best
GR
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): You both have been psychologically scarred and you both are in need of professional assistant. There is a loop hole of problems taking place, you want to move on but cannot find a way to confont your sister and, your sister is hurt and also want to forgive and forget but, the only way anythings are going to happen is if you get her to talk to you alone (probably find somewhere away from everyone and talk it out) or you both agree to see a therapist. These are your only two opinions for you and your sister. All the best!
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