A
male
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anonymous
writes:I am in university, I am doing a good degree and have good friends and can socialise easily. Yet the only part of me that I'm not happy about is my relationship with women. OK I have friends that are girls but I'm not as close to them as I am with the guys. Even once when I am friends with a girl and then became her boyfriend it lasted only 5 weeks as I screwed things up. Well, she said she wasn't ready for a relationship.I've even been to a counsellor to see if they can help me but it wasn't working. I do like myself but part of me just doesn't see me at all with a long-term relationship (can't not won't), for whenever I start to flirt with a girl I have just met, my mind tells me to leave as she won't want me. Moreover being a nice/nerd/shy person I don't really want a one night stand.Can anyone give me advice on what to do to change this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
It sounds to me as if your scared of being hurt before anything has begun, So you bolt through the door to get away as soon as poss to stop that from happening, You said your not unhappy with yourself but there must be something behind all of this that your not seeing straight. Have you ever been hurt really bad in the past. As I used to be like this when I was younger Id go out with a guy who Id liked for ages and finish it before getting home from the first date thinking hold on I cant deal with this..Its self protection I no why I was like that now but at the time I had no idea, So hunny try and chill out and talk with your counsellor about anything it could go as far back as your childhood as did mine love TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 You like yourself, but you don't feel good enough. I worked with a lady who had the same issue. I asked her, why does she feel it's her position to decide why her husband is with her? It's her place to know why she's with him, and his to know why he's with her, not to attempt to analysize the other persons view from our own insecurity.How you view yourself, is not generally how someone else may view you. We live with our faults, our thoughts, our issues, etc. Someone viewing from the outside may see us totally different. I remember when a famous country star in the U.S. was asked about being in the top sexiest men in the U.S. He said, "I see myself naked every day, and never viewed myself that way." On the radio last week, only 2% who answered a survey saw themselves as being pretty. A tv show i watched, beautiful women were saying they are lonely on the wekend because they don't get asked out. They said they're just people too, but people view them as being out of their league, so their friends get dates but they don't.you're backing off because of your own view. let me tell you what I've found, when viewing dating. Women don't always look at looks. did you ever wonder why pretty women are with someone who you think, physically why their with that person. women are more emotionally based in choosing many times and not physical. they need to know you can take care of their emotions. be with them without cheating. be there for a shoulder to cry on, and make them feel secure and desired. your issue is not that much different than many guys. i have a crush on a gal, i thought was a bit too good for me, i might end up getting to be with her, not because of my fear, but because she said she feels something after my daughter opened her mouth and said I think she's hot.Being a nice, nerd, shy person is a benefit. It means you'll respect someone when your with them. Don't look at yourself as being not good enough, look at yourself as having qualities that the agressive asses who treat women as property and toys don't have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): Of course without knowing you it is hard to guess what might be going wrong! I have a number of single male friends who I am quite close to, but who seem to have trouble finding girlfriends, and I've noticed a few things, so I will try to reply to your question.There are a couple 'red flags' for me in your question. The first is that you say you aren't as close to your female friends as your male. Let me ask you a couple of questions and it is important that you are really honest with yourself! 1 - are you looking to build genuine friendships with women, or are you looking at every woman friend/acquaintance as a possible love interest? As a woman, it can be uncomfortable or threatening and feel disrespectful if you sense - and we do! - that our male friend is not really interested in us AS A FRIEND. I know it is a cliché about women and their gay best friends - but one reason that does happen is because it is easier to feel respected as an equal with a guy who loves you for your qualities as a person and isn't guessing at his chances all the time. So - I'd recommend you just work on building up platonic female friendships for now. You will learn more about women by being honest friends with a few of them then by dating a hundred of them! They will also be honest with you about what might be turning women off - but only once they are your friends. (And, eventually, they'll introduce you to women you SHOULD date!)The second red flag for me is where you call yourself a "nice" guy. Don;t get me wrong - maybe you are! But I have heard a lot of my male friends say things like "i treated her so well, but she just doesn't want a Nice Guy like me"...when the truth is, they have been too possessive, controlling, stalker-creepy, intense, or just plain selfish - in other words, not nice at all! The bottom line is that no woman owes you anything. A lot of guys aren't as nice as they think they are - and I'm saying this about some of my best friends! - but if I didn't know them and they went about winning me over the way I've seen them try with other women....well. Good luck. I really think if you stop focusing on yourself and your needs and your failings, and start expressing genuine interest in other people, you'll see things improve.
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