A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,It's been 3 years since we married, and we are together for about 6 years.I confess I wasn't very thrilled when she pressured me to get married. I guess I don't see the point in one getting married when a stable and healthy relationship is just as or even more important than such 'ritual'.But I eventually conceded, and it's not bad at all. We've learned a lot and we support each other, and she seems to love me despite our divergences regarding child-bearing (she does want, I don't).There is still a lot of work to be done, I reckon. But there is one thing that's bugging me. She doesn't seem to let go of the idea that she is the one who pressured me into marrying.As stated before, I wasn't very excited about getting married but I can't say that I regret it. It's been really great, I enjoy being with her and do things together. However, she doesn't seem to believe me when I say that I like our marriage, and occasionally drop lines in our conversations such as '...even though I literally forced you to marry me...'. One time I even overhead her mentioning this to some relatives.And when there's that heated discussion, sometimes i get a 'Maybe my only regret was to force you to marry me.'I'm stumped. And if it is of any help, she does seem to suffer from low self esteem/body image issues that seem to be with her for as long as I've known her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi female anonymous, thanks for your words. Even unsolicited advice may help :DDon't worry, I won't have kids just to please her. Sometimes she mention other couples having kids (like she was saying 'See? It's not that hard, we should do it'), but then I think to myself 'There is a chance that some of these men did that just so their wife would shut up'. Of course some of them end up liking being a father, but this is a bet no one should be doing when it involves a human being.I understand that raising a child requires a lot of effort and dedication, and that's why I didn't want one. She also understands that both parents must be fully committed to the child for this to work. So, it gets messy. She says she loves me and wanted to marry me, but she also wants kids. Heated discussions usually tend to focus on the negative, which drives me crazy. So i can't help but think 'Does she really loves me, or she decided to be and stay with me because I provide for her?'Don't get me wrong, I love her and I want to be with her. But our communications suck and I'm out of ideas.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks janniepeg, the insecurity thing gave me some food for thought.
As far as I know I don't give in to her unrealistic expectations, but on the other hand sometimes this seems to affect her, which in turn makes me think things like 'Maybe she thought the marriage would be something else entirely' or 'She thought she would have a very different life' (ie. married the wrong person?).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2015): I think that you are minimizing a very big problem. Even here you have put it in parenthesis: she wants kids, you don't. That is a deal-breaker. Period.I am a woman and I do not want kids. I was lucky enough to fall in love with a man who doesn't want kids either. We have been happy together for almost 15 years.The desire to have (or not to have) children is something that cannot be negotiated with. Maybe she hoped you'd change your mind (big mistake for any woman, or man, who thinks that!).Usually people who pressure their partners (even passivly) do so for fear of beeing left alone (unless there are some cultural issues). More often than not, in their heads the first step is getting married and the second step is the baby.She knows that you do not want kids, so she cannot start a discussion on why you don't go for one. If I were you, I'd sit her down and ask the right question, directly not in parenthesis.You both have to face that your relationship may require greater sacerfices and aks yourselves is it worthy.One little piece of advice (you didn't ask for). If you do not want kids DO NOT HAVE THEM just to please her. They will suffer immensly. Especially since she obviously is not an independant type since she did pressure you into marriage to begin with. I am not saying that women should be the only ones responsible for kids, but it's better for kids if they are independant on all levels (emotional and financial).Not wanting kids does not make you a bad person, just different from those who do. Yiou have the right not to want them just as she has the righ to want them.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 November 2015):
 You can't go back in time and propose to her at your own will with no prompting. Now, she knows that getting married does not help her self esteem issues. Don't go into any heated discussion because love can not be proven by knowing all the answers, by holding onto them and by not allowing uncertainties in life. She goes into these arguments for the purpose of you reassuring her that you would never leave her. It goes both ways, you would never be sure if she would be happy with you forever. You can only take it one day at a time and enjoy each moment. Fear always belongs to the past and future. She also has to leave relatives out of this. What you have to do is just fulfill your husband duties and not give in to her unrealistic expectations. Her self esteem issues are hers to deal with alone. You can only be supportive if she stops blaming you for her insecurities. Her confidence has to come from herself because she can only control herself, and not what others do or say.
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