A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Whar is it that comes over a woman when newly in a realashionship? I've turned into someone I don't recognize anymore. I went from being cool, calm and quite "righteous". I have turned into a jealous and very insecure woman all of a sudden. I have a situation that keeps coming up. It's been there since I met him but, now. It effects me so. I feel I have a right to be alarmed and upset and he gets mad which makes me more upset. This is the situation: My boyfriends ex will not let go. She was out of his life for the longest time and he would give me the run down on her tatics and crazy behaviors. He seperated himself completely for she was so obsessive towards him and it effected his daily lifestyle in a negative manner. I've heard the nightmare stories. Let me pick it up here, no matter what he says there is a pattern between the two of them that has gone on for years. He's just as guilty. He draws her back in and she excepts. I am just witnessing the pattern for the first time two days ago. I'm obviously not comfortable with the "dance they play". I tried to express maturully my side and could he see how it would feel on the other foot. Didn't register. He's given her the green light again and she's off and running. It is effecting the realashionship as I know it. Were not the same. Communication is at a stand still. We are in love. I know this but, I can't seem to wrap my head around the game with her. Is this a form of me sabotaging something great, or am I valid in feeling this is not right run for the hills?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to all the supportive advise. I really needed it last night. I've never gone on the web and searched out a venue to express my angst. I was in a bad way last night. The fact is it has only been hours since I wrote in. I'm hoping that the conversation I had with him this morning will give him another perspective on the situation. What does imediately frighten me though is how fragile one's realashionship truly is. As I am going through this process I recognized that just a sliight outside element { the ex } changed the whole dynamiscs between us. This is very alarming to me. Maybe all of what I'm feeling right now is valid in that gosh darn it, to have a realashionship creates you to be completley vulnerable. Your feelings for this other person have now you, your heart tied up in it. It can be rather overwelming. Now as I look back, I see why I didn't want a realashionship. { joking} It took alot of work from me ,to come back around and reason with myself and realize that the love that has grown for him is worth working out. I had to try! Exhausting! I can tell you that I've grown as a woman. He is not easy to begin with. Long story but, this man loves me truly and meant no harm to me. He is stuck with old tapes and old behaviors as I am. I will forgive him because it's worth it to me. I will not forget the act, and I will be aware of it for the future. I want to Thank all the people who responded to my question I really needed the support and I hope that when the time comes and you need that support like me you will get the wonderful gift that I experienced. Thank you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to all the supportive advise. I really needed it last night. I've never gone on the web and searched out a venue to express my angst. I was in a bad way last night. The fact is it has only been hours since I wrote in. I'm hoping that the conversation I had with him this morning will give him another perspective on the situation. What does imediately frighten me though is how fragile one's realashionship truly is. As I am going through this process I recognized that just a sliight outside element { the ex } changed the whole dynamiscs between us. This is very alarming to me. Maybe all of what I'm feeling right now is valid in that gosh darn it, to have a realashionship creates you to be completley vulnerable. Your feelings for this other person have now you, your heart tied up in it. It can be rather overwelming. Now as I look back, I see why I didn't want a realashionship. { joking} It took alot of work from me ,to come back around and reason with myself and realize that the love that has grown for him is worth working out. I had to try! Exhausting! I can tell you that I've grown as a woman. He is not easy to begin with. Long story but, this man loves me truly and meant no harm to me. He is stuck with old tapes and old behaviors as I am. I will forgive him because it's worth it to me. I will not forget the act, and I will be aware of it for the future. I want to Thank all the people who responded to my question I really needed the support and I hope that when the time comes and you need that support like me you will get the wonderful gift that I experienced. Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): To a certain extent, I think we all change when we enter a new relationship. I can relate to what you said about turning into someone you no longer recognise. Like you, not too long ago I was calm, in control, happy as I was...and then I got to know someone, developed strong feelings for them, and now...what's happened? I feel like I am turning into a nervous, insecure wreck! And I think a lot of people go through something similar. So I think this is normal, up to a point.
However, from what you have described, it sounds like you do have real, valid reasons for your feelings. I think you are right to be concerned. I wouldn't be comfortable with what is going on either. The fact that you have tried to demonstrate to your boyfriend how this is making you feel, and he didn't respond, also doesn't sound good. He is having a relationship with YOU, not his ex. So he should be putting your feelings first.
Maybe you could try, once again, to explain to him how you feel, and how this is bothering you. But if he seems more concerned with his ex, then I think you are correct in thinking that it is not right, and maybe he isn't the one for you. You shouldn't be coming second best to his ex. Don't allow for him to treat you as anything less than important. Maybe he might realise what he is doing if he is faced with losing you, and change. But if not, then I don't think you have much to lose. But I certainly think you should trust your instincts on this. Good luck. x
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (3 October 2009):
 Hiya, hope you're ok. Of course you're insecure given the situation, anyone would be.
Its like you're sharing the mental and emotional energy that goes into a relationship with her and thats just not acceptable.
The fact that it doesn't register with him suggests to me that he's putting his own selfish needs before yours and this will eat away at you.
There's no way i would tolerate this, i'm just too proud.
Unless you know you're number one, whats the point?
Please save yourself from months of heartache and get rid of him. You owe it to yourself. good luck x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 October 2009):
No, I think you're right to be concerned. There's something wrong that he continues to play this game with his ex. It's actually very cruel. If he was really over her, he'd have stopped the contact and wouldn't have played. You might well be better ending this.
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