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female
,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend of 4 months and i had recently shared concerns that the physical affection and passion was not coming as naturally as it should. We both agreed that we really cared for one another and were still attracted to oneanother, so wondered what was going wrong... were we just good friends? I then worried taht i possibly liked him more than he liked me, and needing some reassurance ended up asking if he wanted to persevere with things. He said that he did and that he didnt want to lose me, however he didnt want to keep on trying if it was going to be a waste of time. He then went away for a month and we had little contact. Since he's been back we have split up. I needed to know one way or another what he wanted to do (as i didnt feel taht he'd been making the effort to keep in touch whilst he was away, which i was offended by). He said that although he missed me whilst he was away, it was not as much as he had 'hoped' he would have and that although he still really cares about me, we were thus just good friends. I didnt contend with this at the time as i felt that it was the right thing to do. However, i still dont understand what more you can be if you are not yet 'in love'. it is early days afterall and surely being good friends, really caring for oneanother and having an attraction, must be a good start right? whats going on? im so confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2006): It sounds like you poured in your fair share of the effort into that relationship, but you must accept that you can only control your own end of the deal. That is to say, if the other half of your relationship is being a flake, and you've done everything you can do, then that's that. From the way he was acting (implying you might be a 'waste of time', taking a trip as a barometer for your relationship) it sounds like he wasn't that interested in dating. I think you're confusing the fact that YOU cared and YOU were attracted for BOTH of you caring. It seems he wasn't very invested, and in fact may have been prolonging the break-up but acting like he was checked out already in the hopes that you would do the emotional work for him.
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