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female
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anonymous
writes:I moved in with my sister about a year ago. (After she broke up with her boyfriend and needed help paying the rent.)For about 8 months she was drinking excessively (4-8 bottles of wine a week). Her behaviour was non-violent (and generally not aggressive), just clumsy and juvenile. (She would repeat herself multiple times, slur words, disagree with recent events, spout nonsense, and need help with basic tasks.)She would drink alone, start before I got home, continue after I went to bed and hide the bottles. She'd try to deny she'd been drinking, or tell me that if she doesnt drink her thoughts overwhelm her, and she just needs to quieten her mind so she can relax.A few times it got worse. She woke me in the middle of the night to demand I fix the TV, or to accuse me of talking to her ex behind her back. Other times she slipped in the shower or accidentally broke furniture/dishes.I do know that her ex broke up with her (at least partially) because of her drinking. (He told me because he was concerned for her when he left)But bottom line, she wasn't aggressive, just very very annoying and a mild (accidental) danger to herself/property. (FYI, she doesnt drive, no car, so no chance of DUI, she's a student with no other responsibilities)I couldn't tolerate her when she was drinking, and she would argue with me about my attitude. i.e. "I don't do anything WRONG when I drink! I'm cheerful and fun! You should just appreciate me for who I am!"She stopped drinking for a few months over Christmas to do a weight loss challenge. (FYI it's another argument of hers that because she can go months at a time without drinking, she mustn't be an addict)But this week she's at it again. Three bottles in the last 4 days.She seems to think it's my problem that I find her so annoying when she drinks.... Maybe she is right.I do think she has a problem, but it's hard to proove it when she isn't really hurting anyone but herself. She's leaning on alcohol as a coping mechanism, and she says thats her business.Does anyone have a strategy for dealing with someone like this? Who's every argument is "Who am I hurting?". Does she actually have a problem? Or am I just a square?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2021): Suggest that she gets counseling. Line-up a few therapists and find your local Al-Anon. Set-up a Zoom meeting for yourself. Suggest she setup an appointment to see a therapist, and maybe sit-in on a Al-Anon meeting with you.
Offer her an ultimatum. Either she gets help, or you will move-out. Give her as long as it takes for you to find yourself another place to live. Tell her to her face she is an alcoholic; and you will no longer tolerate it. You love her, and insist she gets help, or you will leave. That's the final confrontation. Then do it, if you have to.
You can't stay there, because you're being her enabler. If she had to go-it alone, she'd realize the truth. Sitting there judging her, while making life easier for her is being her enabler. She's playing on your sympathies and relying on your guilt that would consume you; if you should dare abandon her like her boyfriend.
Follow her boyfriend's example. If you can't fix her, leave her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here. Thanks to everyone for your great feedback and support. Really appreciate having validation for some of my feelings.
And THIS is exactly what I mean. My sister doesn't get that I'm having to be the adult for both of us.
"...she is burdening you. You worry about her and can't count on her to be a responsible adult."
So I decided I am going to move out. Its all arranged. I do feel a bit sorry for the friends she is moving in with, but at least it'll be someone new to tell her she has a problem. Maybe she'll start to listen if it's from someone new/impartial.
Thanks again everyone!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2021): Go to alenon.Never enable her.Never give her cash.Let her hit rock bottom even if you must cut her out of your life to make it happen.Tell her the only way you will ever speak to her again is it she goes into rehab...today now.Then she must go to a psychiatrist.If she will not cut her off.It is the only way.I am sorry this is all that you can do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2021): Until I was 12 I lived with my mom and her sister who was an alcoholic. She didn't drink much, but she drank every night. I suppose she was dealing with her depression. My mother was so disappointed and angry because she was helpless.
But my aunt's depression was caused by the miserable life she had.
I don't know why your sister drinks, but what I do know that she won't just quit. It never happens. She either has an underlying cause and is self-medicating (depression, anxiety...) or suffers from addiction.
My aunt was never aggressive, alcohol made her tired and sleepy, however she could be unintentionally dangerous, fall asleep and locking us out of the house, not hearing us knocking, ringing the doorbell, calling on the phone...
Sadly, my aunt died at 48 before she could get any help. Those were different times and alcoholics were stigmatized. I think it is better today.
You say that she is a student, she's young and she can turn her life around.
She lives with you she IS hurting you whether she think she is or not. Whenever we act self-destructively or when we stop taking care of ourselves those who live with us pick up the slack and start taking care of us. It's as simple as that. So, she is hurting you, she is burdening you. You worry about her and can't count on her to be a responsible adult.
If you don't have to live with her. Leave. Make her aware that you will go unless she seeks professional help.
The upside of growing up with an aunt who had a drinking problem is that I never drank. I never developed a taste for alcohol and now I have zero tolerance, so I don't drink.
The downside, I grew up into a chronic "caretaker" a take care of everybody I can't let go, I always organize, cook, clean, prepare, take care of everything... it's exhausting, because people lean on you because they know they can and you don't know how to make them take care of themselves how to make yourself take care of yourself first.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 January 2021):
 She obviously has a problem.
In general (or at least back in the day) the gauge of "problem with alcohol" versus "not a problem" was OVER 14 drinks a week for men and 7 for women. So more than 1 drink a day. Your sister drinks 4-8 BOTTLES (which is 24-48 GLASSES) of wine a week - well OVER the recommended 7 ish glasses a week.
So I'd say she DEFINITELY has an issue with alcohol. Also she is using it to "medicate" herself so her mind and thoughts doesn't overwhelm her. THAT isn't normal. Sure, we can all have periods of time where we can't shut down the brain easily. BUT there are tools she can learn, like meditation, getting off tech a couple of hours prior to sleep, taking control. Alcohol only dulls the brain while killing brain-cells. Not really a good way to quiet the mind a bit. She needs help.
There could be several reasons she is self medicating.
1. it's "easier". Instead of seeking help from a professional.
2. it's "instant" relief. (well sorta)
3. she might suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Since she CAN function without drinking her "excuse" that she HAS to drink is null and void, IMHO. She WANTS to drink. With SAD though, it also dulls the depression or the REAL underlying issue as to WHY she can't be in control of her thoughts.
You can't MAKE her seek help, you can't MAKE her accept reality. She has to figure that out for herself, unfortunately. BUT you can contact a AA or Al-anon group for family members of alcoholics and get help in HOW you can perhaps GUIDE her to seek help. See if you can find a 1-800 number (or whatever is available where you are at).
Also, I'd consider moving out. You don't HAVE to accept living with a drunk. She might need help paying bills, but does that mean you HAVE to live like that?
It might be a way to negotiate with her to get help. That unless she find help you are moving out and she can stumble around drunk on her own. Which I can imagine is a scary thought because what if she gets hurt and you are not there the pick her up? But ultimately, you have to decide what you NEED to do for YOU.
As to "Who am I hurting?" - she is hurting herself long term. Alcohol will damage her brain and body -WE all know that. Short term she IS hurting you by "making" you watch her live her life this way and feeling helpless. Those who love her and care for her are hurt too.
Every drunk I have ever met though they were the MOST charming drunks ever! Yet I have seen friends piss themselves, get into fights, puke on others (and themselves), get into situation that were down right dangerous. I myself has a bad relationship with alcohol, where I had a impossible time setting and sticking to a limit, until one day where I had a blackout. It was scary. Not just for me, but for my friends too. After that, I didn't drink. AT ALL. Because it was easier to just NOT drink, then trying to be in control. I became the designated driver getting free soda everywhere I went out with friends, and driving everyone home safely.
I have in the last 25 years probably had 5-8 drinks, all together. And I have no issues with that.
You sister could benefit from AA and from some counseling as she doesn't seem to have any real coping skills of her own.
There is no magical fix here. I wish there was.
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