A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I dated a wonderful and amazing girl who I met while she was on exchange at my graduate school in the United States. We dated the entire school year, over the summer (although 2/3 of it was long distance), while I studied for one semester in the European country she is from, and several months into the next semester, when I returned to the U.S., and she remained in Europe. All in all, our relationship lasted about 19 months.She is younger than I am (22, whereas I am 25), and will be starting graduate school in the United States, although in a different city than where we met, and where I will be working this coming year, now that I have graduated.The break-up was a complete surprise to me, and came on the heels of a death in her family. The main reasons she has given me for the break up are as follows:1. She is uncertain about what she wants to do with her career, and where she wants to live (in Europe near her family, versus somewhere like the United States), and she feels that being with me complicates her decision because she cares so much about me.2. Although I never asked her to move to the city where I will be working, she doesn't feel like she is at an age to make that kind of move.3. She was worried that we would only be able to see each other once a month (which is true), and that sometimes she would be too busy with her studies, and that this type of relationship would strain her year at graduate school.I can't really argue with any of these reasons for breaking up, but I know that, at least as of a few weeks ago, we both loved each other very much.After the break up, I went into immediate no contact mode, which was broken after about a week when we talked on the phone. From there, we agreed to email once a week, as we wanted to stay in touch with each other. That turned into emailing every day, like we did when we were dating--mostly due to the stress of her final exams in the spring, and her telling me how much she needed my support, and loved to get my emails. We would nearly always tell each other how much we missed each other, and about once a week or so, we would write I love you. We also started to text periodically, and have phone conversations about once a week. As I said, it was very similar to the content and frequency of our communication while we were dating. This entire process, which lasted for about 2 months, was a bit of a roller coaster for me, and I kept up with the emails because I honestly believed that I would feel worse with no communication. At the beginning of June, we agreed not to talk or email for one month, after she told me that she was missing me more and more everyday, and felt like our daily emails to each other were largely to blame.Which brings me to the present. I have no idea what kind of communication I should resume with her, if any, come the beginning of next month, and I am not sure how I should communicate with her when she comes back to the U.S. for school next year. While no contact might be best for me to move on, I feel like remaining friends on some level is the only way that we would actually date again if circumstances allowed for it in the future.I've never had a break up that was due to timing and circumstance, as this one appears to be, and I can't help but think that if she decides to stay in the U.S., we would have a real chance of dating again. Our one month of no contact will be up in about a week, and I am not sure if I should tell her that I think it's best that we continue not to talk, or whether I should try to be friends with her?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Mushroomfantasy  +, writes (25 June 2009):
 Well,,
First i will present my opinion.
Either decision you decide to abide by will result in a change in your future.
If you continue the stay in contact with her then maybe she will consider taking it further and seeing you in person.
If you do not keep in contact with her maybe she will completely abandon you, but if you meant that much to her i'm sure she wil wish to pursue you.
You should consider each option and first make sure what you want is clear.
Maybe you should ask her in a subtle way how she eels about you and the said predicament.
Maybe if you wish to resume friendship try e-mail
If you wish to resume a close friendship try phone.
Or a long distace relationship possibly phone, e-mail letters or video calls.
Hope this has been of some help...
--
J
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