A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I like having sex. It is very pleasurable for me. However, I only have sex in the context of a loving relationship. To me, it is something special, a sacred sort of ritual in which we expose our innermost, secret selves to our partner without fear of being judged. It creates and strengthens the bond between two people. It's the sort of magic that should be be taken lightly nor abused.My wife would laugh at everything I just wrote. For her, sex is a guilty pleasure which can be shared inside or outside of a loving relationship. In fact, I am the first person she had sex with who she actually loved. She feels that no relationship NEEDS sex to function. She admits she likes sex sometimes, but she feels it is totally unimportant in the context of a relationship. She just doesn't understand why I attach any special significance to a physical act. She finds sex in the context of a relationship mostly unnecessary except for procreation. Sex to her is about building up chemistry and expressing animal lusts. Once the love is established and the lust is satisfied then sex loses its value to her.The part I cannot reconcile is... if sex is just a guilty pleasure based purely on physical lust then why would she be upset with me if I went off and did it with someone else? (She has told me should she would be.) There must be some symbolism involved. Also, sex is a significant and mystical act in that it can result in pregnancy. Every time she had sex with a person she didn't love she was open to the possibility of having a child with them. I don't think she saw it that way, but that's the reality - especially since she never took oral contraceptives and relied on them pulling out of her in time. (We use condoms and she hates them.)She and I are trying to come to terms of what the role of sex is in a healthy long-term relationship, mostly because of our different sexual histories and our mismatched libidos. Any reading material discussing the role of sex in marriage of long-term relationships would be appreciated. I am sure there is no "right answer" but I am open to the possibility that my interpretation is unusual while she is 100% certain that most people feel the way she does.
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (7 July 2011):
There is no predetermined definition of the role of sex in a healthy long term relationship. There are socially defined norms, but these do not always work for the subjective expreience of a couple, in which case they will need to figure out what works healthily for them.
Sex is an aspect of the human experience, and it is certainly one of the most significant. There are strong links between our sexual lives and our emotional lives, including strong links between sexual behaviour and mental dysfunction. A lot of our attitudes towards sex are socially defined, they are dependant on the culture and context (including family context and religious context) that we are born into, so a healthy sexual relationship to a couple living in a villiage in Peru might look different to a healthy sexual relationship for a couple living in Berlin. There are also physical differences between men and women which affect sexual drives and rhythms, and the way a sexual relationship plays out.
Your partner might be 100% certain that most people feel the way she does, but that might have to more with our whole society's dysfunctional attitude towards sex, rather than what a functional sexual relationship should look like. It might be a common attitude but that doesn't make it best, or the highest fulfillment of the sexual potential in a relationship. That also doesn't mean that your relationship should aim to fulfill sex's highest potential either, whatever that might be, it might need to be what works well between you both and satisfies you both in your own way.
Your differing attitudes to sex reflect your differing experiences when having sex. Your wife may never have had the kind of experience that you have had when having sex. She may not have developed the capacity and may not have any natural interest in doing so. This has to do with her emotional make up and her experience. However, if she were interested, it is something she could develop in the same way that we can develop our creative aspects, our fitness, etc. to get in touch with our sexuality, sexual needs and ability to connect during sex. However, it isn't a case of right or wrong, in the same way that it isn't right or wrong whether we choose to develop our capacity for example to sing, which is also a natural ability. It is only if we place importance on it. Having said that, connecting with other humans in a deep way is fundamental to being human, and sex is a fundamental, natural way in which we can do that, in some cases the most significant way, so to me it is something for all people to consider, as part of us being fully human in our capacity.
Developing your sexual relationship as a couple is a process of human growth as individuals, and this can be very emotionally confronting, but it is very worthwhile doing if you both have the courage and are willing to face your fears. An excellent book to read on all of this is called "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch.
To answer your other question: Your wife would be upset if you slept with someone else for various reasons. You are asking the question to try to show that sex is significant to her, but that might not be why she is upset. She might be upset because sex IS actually significant to her, and that this does show she is unaware of the significance and symbolism of sex to her, which would support your arguement. However, she might be upset because you having sex outside of the relationship would be a threat to your relationship and your emotional bond, which does not directly support the argument that sex is significant or necessary in the relationship. It would also give rise to feelings of jealousy, rejection, neglect, hurt, or others which would impact on your relationship. Whatever the answer, it is true that there is always significance and symbolism attached to sex. Sometimes you are just both talking a different language when you talk about your signifcance and symbolism.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): She has a more promiscuous set of values than you do. I think you probably should not have married her given how you feel about sex.
I think your desires of sex with others probably has more to do with you feeling wronged by her past than anything else. But cheating on her now is not going to make you feel better in the long run.
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A
male
reader, Cadien  +, writes (7 July 2011):
 I don't think I'm experienced enough to provide a solid answer, however I do have a reading material suggestion. The Guide to getting it on. It has served me well in the past, and was fun to read with my partner. It discusses just about everything, and certainly the role of sex in a relationship.
I got the impression you weren't considering cheating when you mentioned it, just using that as an example regarding your wife's contradicting views of sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011):
I am the original poster.
I never meant to suggest that I told her I was seeking sex outside of the relationship! I don't know how you read that into your responses. She is the one who volunteers things which betray her jealousy and insecurities. Clearly, it is an issue for her that I remain faithful - and I have remained faithful and have never insinuated otherwise.
My point in mentioning it is that it seems at odds with her saying that sex is meaningless to her. If it is meaningless, then why would she be so upset if I went off and did it? I think she is not being honest about the meaning of sex in a relationship when she says in one sentence: "Sex is no big deal" and then in the next: "I had better never find out you had an affair." Which is it?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (7 July 2011):
 If sex is such a sacred experience to you with your parter, I can understand why your wife would be offended that you even THOUGHT of going outside of marriage.
Sorry, but it was kind of a bonehead move on your part to play up the mystical, sacred, special, and suggest getting your treats elsewhere.
Concentrate on the here and now of your marriage and your sexual satisfaction.
Both of you are not on the same page of your value of sex in a relationship. Do you both need to be on a mutual page to get what is satisfactory?
How IS your sexlife now? What bothers you more right now her lack of interest or her belief?
If you want more sex, and he HATES condoms consider OTHER methods of birth control. If you are in a monagamous marriage and std free/pregnancy protected, why are you still using them?
Stop over thinking the ROLE of what is "right" in your marriage and work towards respectful lovemaking.
Personally, I believe sex should be BOTH "dirty" and "sacred". Variety in life is a joy!
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