A
male
age
30-35,
*O ON
writes:Topic started when I saw a girl in the university about a year ago .. From the first moment I felt it was a different girl .. We did not talk a lot just to say hello as colleagues .. She had a lot of friends and was very popular within the university .. i kept my eye on her for along time .. I have heard a lot about her life and her many relationships with guys and it deals with the drug and meet more people around a bad reputation ..All this made ??me feel I am responsible for it one way or another ..About two months ago,I spoke with her for the first time in concert at the university ..I expressed my desire to re-dye her hair red as before .. Then left with her friends and after about a week as surprised as she dyed it and told me she did it for me,I was surprised and came to my mind, she welcomes to speak with me for I am with the time gained great popularity in the university where I got the highest score and my family of renown and prestige in the community ,so I now have a lot of friends and she of course notes each that ..We started talking more and started to accompany me in college for long periods .. We talked on the phone a lot and asked her to change her life style .. She really started to refrain from drugs and alcohol ..almost she cut off her relations with those bad people .. and still telling our friends that she is going to be a different one ..Since a few days in the last day of university I gave her birthday gift .. it was a wonderful necklace and she insisted to lay it down on her neck myself .. it was a great day and she told me that .. she said that she told her mom a lot about me .. All of this, but I think the situation is complicated .. As the features of the relationship between us is not clear .. We did not talk about any aspects of emotional .. I told her before that I admire for almost a year from the first time I see it ..She knew that i`m interested in her to a large degree .. and always say that i`m a different one and she changes her life since i speak with ..We are now in a summer holiday and she lives in another city Which is far from mine about 90 kilometers.. the holiday is long.Of course i can`t see her and I'm afraid to ask her to go out on a dateAnd i feel that there is a far distance between us .. I don`t know what is the next step ?
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reader, Odds +, writes (1 July 2011):
 Ask as many follow-ups as you need, don't worry about it.
When I say "bribes" versus rewards, I know you're not thinking of them as a bribe. It still comes across that way. You have to consider not just the intent of your actions, but how they will be perceived. Is the gift meant to increase her affection for you, even if that's only a secondary purpose? Would you still give it if you knew for a fact it would make her happy, but also make her like you less? Then it's basically a bribe.
Leaving the nightclub to avoid embarrassing her - I get that, I just don't think it's your problem if she's embarrassed. Her happiness is not your responsibility, particular when she's with another guy. I don't think that's the reason you left, either. I could be wrong, but I suspect the real reason was your own embarrassment, not hers. You did not know how to handle the situation, only that you were having a strong emotional reaction, so you left. No shame in that, just a learning experience.
You need to realize that losing this girl is no big deal. You are acting and thinking as if this girl represented your only shot with any girl, ever. She's far from it. I just don't think you should ever view any girl as being a big deal until you've dated her for a while and have some shared romantic memories. This girl is just some chick you kinda know. Feel free to respond if she tries to contact you, but take the summer to ignore her and meet new girls. Go out with your friends, take a road trip, do something. You can pick things right back up when you see her in two months - and you'll be better off with her and other girls if you've had a good summer, met some nice chicks, and no longer worry about her approval.
A
male
reader, GO ON +, writes (30 June 2011):
GO ON is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dear Odds,Thank U very much 4 ur care and ur helpful answers to my questions ..I think u r right about many points u mentioned .. About gifts i didn`t think that they were as bribes .. i just wanted to treat her in a romantic way ..and wanted to tell her that she is a big thing for me ..U r also right about my disappearing that night but i didn`t want to put her in an embarrassing position ..Now i`m dealing with this simply .. I don`t think about her too much .. all the day i`m busy in my work and spend holidays with my friends.. we r a good group .. I also get the highest score and be the first position in my first year at university ..But every night when i become alone at the time when i and her used to speak by telephone all memories fill my mind ..Sometimes i feel that i should begin and speak with her and sometimes i say no i will let her and she is the one who should begin and call .. Look Odds .. i really like this girl but i didn`t know how to deal with .. the relationship is soo complicated ..iam sure she is shy to call me of course she know that i saw her that night and she thinks iam angry ..Tell me plzzshould i throw this idea of calling her out of my mind and wait her calling or even wait to meet her after 2 monthes ?or take the step and call her ?I don`t U Odds to be bored of me .. But understand plzz that i can`t speak with anyone about my feeling ..Only U is the one who make me feeling good .. so plzz put an end of this .. and tell me what shall i do ?
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (27 June 2011):
Alright, we'll take this step by step, and expand on every point we can. I'll be as clear and concise as possible; there's a lot to say, so it may come across a bit blunt.
First, you went to her city without calling to make plans with her. Chicks take any excuse they can to celebrate, and that's a good thing - learn from their example. You drove more than fifteen minutes to her town? Party time. You ought to have called her and made plans to meet one night, even if only for an hour before going back to your own friends.
You had not yet read my first post, so I understand why you thought the flowers were a good idea. Look, chicks get lots of fawning attention from guys all the time - especially hot ones and/or slutty ones. It's background noise to them. They want excitement, so you need to be exciting. Being the best gift-giver does not make you exciting. Gifts should always be rewards, not bribes, so no gifts until you've been dating for a while. In fact, go dutch on everything until you're an official couple - no drinks, no gifts, no dinner. Dinner dates should never be before the third date anyway; preferably later at your age.
More on bribes and rewards: genuine gratitude is very rare outside of close friends and family. Never count on others' gratitude, and that includes giving a gift in the hopes a girl will be a thankful and like you more. On the other hand, giving her a small, thoughtful gift (something with personal relevance to her, not something generic like flowers, but cheap enough that she doesn't feel overwhelmed) as a means of expressing *your* gratitude is a powerful gesture, just because gratitude is so rare. Just don't do it often; the power comes from rarity, remember?
After you sent the flowers, you were terribly concerned about whether she got them and liked them. Half of confidence is not giving a crap. You weren't out with her, you were out with your friend. The flowers should have been the furthest thing from your mind. You were at a nightclub, and single - time you spent checking your phone and worrying was time not spent talking to girls. You can ignore the pretty girls at the bar when you're not single.
More on confidence: chicks dig it. A lot. The best way to be confident about something is either to be absolutely certain of the outcome (good or bad), or to not care. In this case, you were uncertain, and cared a lot. Since you could not be certain, you should have just stopped caring. Think about other things. Now, if you were doing something you're very good at, confidence would be simply knowing that you had it all under control. In any situation, ask yourself, "Can I control the outcome?" If so, control it. If not, ask, "How would I act if I didn't give a crap?" Then act that way. There's more to it, but this is a good starting position.
More on options: never, ever get hung up on one girl until you're an official couple. There are many reasons for this. Girls are uncomfortable with that kind of pressure. Time spent pining for a girl you aren't dating is time not spent searching for a better option. You'll build up an imaginary, perfect version of her in your mind that she will ultimately fail to live up to, through no fault of her own. You get the idea. Don't do it. Next time you catch yourself falling for a girl you haven't even kissed yet, cut off all contact with her until you've gotten a different girl's phone number.
Then she showed up with another guy. She wasn't dating you, so you should assume she is seeing someone else, particularly given her history. Consciously, you may have understood that, but deep down, you had built up such a crush on her that you felt as betrayed as if she had cheated on you. That's part of why you should never get fixated on anyone you aren't dating. That's why you reacted the way you did.
Disappearing only made it worse for you. It was your night out with friends - why give her the power to wreck it? If anything, if she had seen you, you could have taken the opportunity to appear completely comfortable out without her. As I said, you should have called and set something up beforehand, but since you didn't, the next-best option upon seeing her would be to act nonchalant - pleasantly surprised, but not terribly excited to see her. Let her think she's no big deal to you - that comes across as confidence, and lets you stick around with your friends to finish off the night on a better note. You let your night end with her showing up on some other dude's arm, rather than on your own terms, and that's why you feel so bad about it.
Let's emphasize that: never let some chick dictate the way you act, either on purpose or by accident, for any reason whatsoever. Some girls will try to manipulate you, and it's obvious that you have to ignore them. This one is not trying to do anything; rather, you're letting yourself get worked up over her. If you act the way a girl wants, it must always be because that's what you want. This includes honesty - if you lie to a girl, it's because you value her opinion enough to let it control you. In your example, if you had run into her and she had asked why you were in town, you should have just told the truth - "I'm here to visit some friends, have a few drinks, maybe a dance."
As for her being with some other guy - that was inevitable, you're not dating and she's apparently somewhat attractive and/or slutty. You need to stop thinking of any girl as being a great, perfect angel, even just on the inside. Better to accept that girls are flawed and screwed up, then be pleasantly surprised when you meet one who isn't, than to assume they're all angels waiting for the right guy, only to be disappointed.
This does not mean they are bad people. That's the biggest step on the path from "recovering nice guy" to being happy - just because she doesn't have the same feelings you did does not make her evil. Just because you didn't act on a crush doesn't mean she's bad for taking the initiative and finding a guy who would make a move. If anything, you could still be friends, and maybe she'll set you up with one of her cute girlfriends. The number of questions on this site by girls wondering if they can make the first move should make it clear - girls do not know how to make a move, and they do not have any obligation to wait one year for you to make it, for the same reason that you are under no obligation to wait a year for your fat female best friend to lose fifty pounds. They are pursuing their own happiness, same as you.
In fact, count the days between when you first get the urge to ask a chick out, and when you actually do. For every day you wait, imagine she was one pound heavier. That's roughly how she sees your delay.
She hasn't called or texted you - probably because the flowers made her feel awkward and uncomfortable, probably unsure of how she can gently break it to you. That's life. Learning to deal productively with rejection is part of it. It's how we learn not to spend a year crushing on someone without results. Make a move at the first available opportunity, always, or cross the girl off your list and move on. Go out this summer and meet more girls. Learn what you can form this girl and move on. If you see her again, remember, confidence means it's no big deal.
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A
male
reader, GO ON +, writes (27 June 2011):
GO ON is verified as being by the original poster of the questionU know before i read your answer which by the way was soo helpful I did a foolish action and Occurred in an embarrassing position ..
Last Friday I took my car with a friend and traveled to her city .. He convinced me to take a positive step ..I bought a wonderful bouquet of flowers ..And asked the shop to reach it her ??home ..I went to her house, where a large nightclub, and there I met many friends, as well as watching the delivery man and make sure that the bouquet of flowers came to her house ..I was waiting her to call me at least to say thanx .. But after waiting about an hour I was shocked badly when seeing her coming in a car with other guy .. It was midnight .. And she wasn`t home while i send the flowers ...
I disappear Fast because I Didn`t her to see me but she noticed my friend.. she looked at hem in panic of course she knew that moment I was there somewhere looking at her ..
I was really shocked she lied me and was in a car with other guy at midnight while i was choosing flowers for her and driving all this distance to her city .. She didnt predict my sudden coming and my sudden gift ..
She didn`t call me since Friday .. she didn`t even send me sms .. she didn`t say thanx 4 my gift or even try to explan me and be surry ...
I`m now very sad and upset ..
Can u tell me what can i do ? Plzzzzzzzzzz
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (24 June 2011):
You've fallen into the common trap for young guys of getting way too attached to a girl before you've had a relationship with her. She may be a unique snowflake (just like everyone else), but she's not special or irreplaceable until you've actually got some shared memories together.
Basically, you've built her up in your mind to be special. You've had a few conversations, and given her a gift (not something I'd recommend before officially dating a girl, ever, but what's done is done); it does *not* mean you have anything special yet.
Take the holiday to find another girl - or a few girls. Go out on a few dates. Better yet, ask some out that you have no shot with, just to get used to the feeling of getting rejected so it won't bother you as much. Just don't worry about her for the time being. Have a good summer.
Given her history, I'm willing to bet that's what she's doing, anyway.
When you get back to school and can see her again, say hi and hang out with her. Don't make a big production out of it ("Would you like to go out with me?" is too high-pressure). Just casually suggest hanging out sometime, exchange numbers, then give her a call a day or two later to meet for drinks sometime that week (Wednesday or Thursday if you want to develop a relationship). Try to kiss her by about halfway to two-thirds of the way through the night. If you don't kiss her by the end of the second date, you're in the friend zone.
Just remember that taking the shot and failing is no big deal. There are other girls just as good, or better than her, who will like you more. But failing to take the shot gains you nothing. Better a bad attempt than no attempt at all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Dude..if she is a nice girl and she changed..you should go for her..as for alchohol and drugs..and all the bad stuff..get off so that u will not be broken hearted later if she cheats or anything...
But from what u said..she changed..she likes you...she's single..and she's probably hot..i think..
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???!!!
She clearly likes you and DONT WASTE THIS CHANCE..
She might be the LOVE for the rest of your life..who knows??
DONT LET THIS CHANCE GET AWAY!!! GO FOR HER!!
TELL HER YOUR TRUE FEELINGS!
Go for it man.
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